Accepting My Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been confused for so many years about so many things in my life. I started therapy last year and the core has led to my mother. The person who I thought was protecting me and loving me has actually been manipulating me all of these years and I didn't know it or understand it. Now that the rose colors glasses are off we had a big explosive fight in April and haven't spoken much. As I learn more about BPD I'm finding new ways to stay in touch and manage my responses. She has stopped calling me her daughter and only refers to me by my initials. She has also launched an attack on my dad in messages that she sends me (they have been divorced since I was 5years old). My mom was raped by her father all of her life. So learning about BPD is helping me to gain some compassion for her but I need help. Communicating with her at times is emotionally exhausting and I get tired of her insults and always having to take the higher road. I am beginning to set boundaries but it's been a painful process. Any help including personal feedback or readings which may help is appreciated. Thank you.

[msjuanita]

I have been confused for so many years about so many things in my life. I started therapy last year and the core has led to my mother. The person who I thought was protecting me and loving me has actually been manipulating me all of these years and I didn't know it or understand it. Now that the rose colors glasses are off we had a big explosive fight in April and haven't spoken much. As I learn more about BPD I'm finding new ways to stay in touch and manage my responses. She has stopped calling me her daughter and only refers to me by my initials. She has also launched an attack on my dad in messages that she sends me (they have been divorced since I was 5years old). My mom was raped by her father all of her life. So learning about BPD is helping me to gain some compassion for her but I need help. Communicating with her at times is emotionally exhausting and I get tired of her insults and always having to take the higher road. I am beginning to set boundaries but it's been a painful process. Any help including personal feedback or readings which may help is appreciated. Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi ms juanita

I am sorry you are in this unpleasant situation. What led to that explosive fight you had with your mother? Did you perhaps confront her about the way she treats you now that you realized she might have BPD?

It's quite hurtful that she now doesn't refer to you as her daughter anymore but just by your initials.

Your mother's history is very traumatic, it's horrible that her own father did this to her. Did your mother ever get any help for the trauma she has experienced? Has she perhaps ever been in therapy?

How is your relationship with your dad? Does he also believe your mother is disordered?

We have several communication techniques on this website that can be of great help communicating with someone with BPD. I've selected some resources and encourage you to look into them, also some information about boundaries:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Express yourself: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

I hope these resources can be of some help to you.

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