uBPDw has no clue...

[Dobzhansky]

A little background:  Years ago wife and I planned upon retirement (a few years from now) to leave state where we live and move to be nearer her family.  My girls and I aware things w Mom's ability to regulate emotions, etc were sub-par.  Fast forward... .uBPDw leaves family and kids and moves ahead of sched w/o warning and thru numerous lies exposed to be as such in order to facilitate her move.

uBPDw gone from family 18 mos.  Oddly, uBPDw and I text daily w/ lots of smiling emojis (but no "I love you".  We talk by phone most weeks for 30-45 minutes.  Often less.  Rarely longer.  I have seen my wife and my children their mother for about 3 weeks total time in 18 mos.  Girls and I have jointly come to the conclusion that

a) We are anxious she will NOT be part of our lives

b) We are anxious she WILL be part of our lives.

Which means we are comfy with where she is.

Tonight's talk by phone w uBPDw highlighted what I have seen to be a disturbing trend.  uBPDw does not understand, for some reason, that the manner of her departure from us a year and a half ago, the BPD-linked abuse through girls lives and my marriage, and her proclivity for ignoring/minimizing what happened have us blown-away confused.

She continually pushes for girls and I to fly and visit her (we have no cash and T thinks it a bad idea anyway).  She keeps original plan in mind and cites these past-made plans... ."Oh, you'll be coming here soon anyway (Summer of 2017)".

I have made it clear I will not be coming (and girls have said they will not travel w/o me) until uBPDw and I receive some substantive counseling help.

Upshot:  I feel myself slipping.  Am I a cad?

[OnceConfused]

You just have to stay strong and steady on whatever path you want to take. If not, your suffering will never stop.  I think BPD often does not hear what you say, they only hear the one they want to hear.

[Ceruleanblue]

[quote

You just have to stay strong and steady on whatever path you want to take. If not, your suffering will never stop.  I think BPD often does not hear what you say, they only hear the one they want to hear.]



 





 [/quote]
Wow, this is so true! With BPDh, he'll twist what I say to be something the opposite of what I said, and it's always turned into something negative and ugly, because he wants to think of me that way, probably because he liked to play victim. It's infuriating, and no amount of saying "that is not what I just said", or repetition will change his mind. He DOES hear only what he wants.

Original Poster: When you say you are slipping, do you mean you are slipping and thinking you'll go visit her, or move there? Or did you mean that you are thinking of staying where you are and continuing to engage less?

[Ceruleanblue]

a) We are anxious she will NOT be part of our lives

b) We are anxious she WILL be part of our lives.

To me, this is the quandary of living with someone with BPD. They push/pull us, but we also end up having feelings ourselves of push/pull, I think due to fear. It's all just so sad. Have your girls had therapy also, to work through some of this?

[Dobzhansky]

Update:  As a "What the hell" move I texted uBPDw this AM.  Wrote "Question:  Do you understand clearly why the girls don't communicate with you?"  Reply:  "No but I am heartbroken about that"  I offered that we should maybe throw around a few ideas sometime soon.  No response. 

Part of my challenge is I do not know what path I want to take.  I know the sure, true, safe path in which I do not count on her for anything.  Plan on my own existence separate from uBPDw, but one that closely involves my girls (as much as they are willing).  Ideally (in the movies) she would realize her way of thinking was not conducive to an intimate, loving relationship and mend her ways.  What is a realistic way to think here?  Probably not to count in anything from her.  I am public enemy number one.

uBPDw is often one to resume the "status quo" (her term).  When I say slipping, I am imagine slipping in to an old well-known 30 yr old role.  Resuming my life with her and the abuse.  This is crazy, but seems easy, even though any and all intimacy is dead.  I cannot imagine any circumstances under which I would feel comfortable in the same bed.

Thank God the girls and I both go to T in joint session - to a guy who offers his services pro bono when he heard our med insurance was sketchy.  Has offered to make up gaps both financially and logistically here and there.  Sometimes girls go alone as well, sometimes me.  I spend much of the time helping to draw the girls out of their shells.  They do the same for me.

You guys are amazing.

[OnceConfused]

No but I am heartbroken about that"

I guess she does not want to elaborate on your question as to THE WHY. She is not even curious about why her own daughters want not to be with her.

I might be wrong here, but what she said was another illustration of BPD focusing solely on their own need and not the need of others.  That is why they won't change.

It sounds to me that you are slowly get into the clear.