"It feels like abandonment... "

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There are a lot of good signs in my relationship with uBPDh. He is seeing a therapist whom he has told about his abuse of me; he is able to self-soothe when he is feeling 'distressed' and have conversations that are difficult for him. We've been able to talk about his 'enmeshment' and 'codependency' with me, and he seems to understand that there need to be some boundaries. Although, those boundaries are interpreted as pushing him away; I suppose they are to some extent.

Recently, I had realized that my wearing my wedding rings was giving him the message that things were 'okay' with our marriage, so I decided to take them off. That was a difficult thing for him, and he started to be 'concerned' about my deep seated anger at him and bitterness. The evidence of the anger was the rings. He was most upset when we were at church and I had them off.

The other thing that is triggering him is that I have decided to not be at church on the days that he is serving in an official capacity. People are asking him about me when I am not there. This makes him 'feel' like I am abandoning him or that I am having an affair. He is also aware that our relationship is not so good, and he needs to make some changes in order for me to continue in it. I told him that it needs to be a place that is good for both of us.

Anyway, for myself, I am trying to come up with the things that I need to see happen in our relationship in order to continue. One of the things that is coming to mind is that I need to be able to have freedom to meet my own needs and the needs of others without that being seen as a betrayal or abandoning him. I'm not even sure that this is possible for pwBPD... . 

[empath]

There are a lot of good signs in my relationship with uBPDh. He is seeing a therapist whom he has told about his abuse of me; he is able to self-soothe when he is feeling 'distressed' and have conversations that are difficult for him. We've been able to talk about his 'enmeshment' and 'codependency' with me, and he seems to understand that there need to be some boundaries. Although, those boundaries are interpreted as pushing him away; I suppose they are to some extent.

Recently, I had realized that my wearing my wedding rings was giving him the message that things were 'okay' with our marriage, so I decided to take them off. That was a difficult thing for him, and he started to be 'concerned' about my deep seated anger at him and bitterness. The evidence of the anger was the rings. He was most upset when we were at church and I had them off.

The other thing that is triggering him is that I have decided to not be at church on the days that he is serving in an official capacity. People are asking him about me when I am not there. This makes him 'feel' like I am abandoning him or that I am having an affair. He is also aware that our relationship is not so good, and he needs to make some changes in order for me to continue in it. I told him that it needs to be a place that is good for both of us.

Anyway, for myself, I am trying to come up with the things that I need to see happen in our relationship in order to continue. One of the things that is coming to mind is that I need to be able to have freedom to meet my own needs and the needs of others without that being seen as a betrayal or abandoning him. I'm not even sure that this is possible for pwBPD... .