Communicating my discontent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

While I know this board is for romantic relationships, I am currently going through a potential "breakup" with a friend who has really strong histrionic/borderline traits.  A few weeks ago I decided I would try and slowly ease myself out of the friendship and hopefully not have to deal with her anymore.  This is clearly not working and she seems to be sensing the distance and inserting herself more into my life.  Calling, texting emailing, etc. a lot more.  And also being incredibly more reckless, selfish and self absorbed.  I think my attempt at taking distance from her is triggering her.  She has seen that I am spending time with a different group of friends, and so she has begun to insert herself into this group as well.   As a result, I would like to at least try and communicate with her what the issues are, that way she will not continue to behave as she is and she will at least be aware that her behaviour is pushing me away.  The behaviors I have a problem with are the following: She is incredibly self absorbed and selfish, and uses people and she positions herself as my rival in every social circumstance. Whenever she sees I am speaking to someone she immediately has to insert herself somehow and divert the attention of the person I am speaking with.  She will do this in all sorts of manners: with me it will be through flirtation.  I am having a conversation and she will come over and give the man a kiss on the cheek for example.   The other problem is that she uses people.  While she plays all these flirtatious games, she also has a boyfriend whom she is simply stringing along until she finds someone better, or even someone else.  I see the behaviour, and it repulses me.  Of course I can't tell her in the terms I've described it, however I feel like I need to communicate to her somehow. Does anyone have advice on how this can be done?

[caughtnreleased]

While I know this board is for romantic relationships, I am currently going through a potential "breakup" with a friend who has really strong histrionic/borderline traits.  A few weeks ago I decided I would try and slowly ease myself out of the friendship and hopefully not have to deal with her anymore.  This is clearly not working and she seems to be sensing the distance and inserting herself more into my life.  Calling, texting emailing, etc. a lot more.  And also being incredibly more reckless, selfish and self absorbed.  I think my attempt at taking distance from her is triggering her.  She has seen that I am spending time with a different group of friends, and so she has begun to insert herself into this group as well.   As a result, I would like to at least try and communicate with her what the issues are, that way she will not continue to behave as she is and she will at least be aware that her behaviour is pushing me away.  The behaviors I have a problem with are the following: She is incredibly self absorbed and selfish, and uses people and she positions herself as my rival in every social circumstance. Whenever she sees I am speaking to someone she immediately has to insert herself somehow and divert the attention of the person I am speaking with.  She will do this in all sorts of manners: with me it will be through flirtation.  I am having a conversation and she will come over and give the man a kiss on the cheek for example.   The other problem is that she uses people.  While she plays all these flirtatious games, she also has a boyfriend whom she is simply stringing along until she finds someone better, or even someone else.  I see the behaviour, and it repulses me.  Of course I can't tell her in the terms I've described it, however I feel like I need to communicate to her somehow. Does anyone have advice on how this can be done?

[Samuel S.]

Caughtnreleased, although your circumstances and mine are different, it seems as though you are doing the best you can in a tactful way to release yourself from her clutches and her manipulation. I have been very frustrated for a long time, like 10 years. I will tactfully ask my BPDw not to do something, if it is terribly offensive and if I have the nerve to do so. I sense that you and I have a big time amount of FOG.

It was only several weeks ago that my BPDw made some horrid, verbally abusive remarks about my side of the family which are absolutely not true, and she has not seen them for about 15 years. So, I was at my wit's end, and I shared with her tactfully about how verbally abusive she is and how she affects me emotionally. I even asked her, if she would have liked me to say those kinds of things to her, and she meekly replied no.

It is only because I communicated with her like that, that she has stopped being verbally abusive with me. Instead, she has become more complaining about other people. At least, the verbal abuse with me has stopped.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Samuel, Thanks for the advice. It sounds like you are making progress, even if it's a little.  I guess I am just unsure how to say to her that she is self absorbed and uses people.  I can't say it that way, that's for sure, but I have difficulty seeing how I can frame it so that I can actually let her know what it is about her behaviour that is bothersome to me.  She keeps trying to see me on a one on one basis. I think she wants to discuss things... .I don't really know for sure, but I sense it.  How do you tell a person they are self centered and manipulative!