Reaching out when hopeless or bored

[Depression = 72% of members]

Recently my soon to be exwife of 2 years has suddenly started to text me when she either felt helpless or she is bored and wants to make small talk (I'm assuming bored).

She will vent to me, then tell me things like "I shouldn't be telling you this" or "No offense, but I don't want to talk about this with you." right after she tells me her issues. I confront her and she acts hurt and wants to be left alone. Then later will apologize for over reacting.

Either that or she will text me and be a little playful, nothing really flirty but just playful.

In either case she will suddenly stop responding to me once she feels better. Is this a common behavior of BPD? Or is this just a common behavior period? I've never experienced something like this form someone who has left me.

I am guessing she still has residual feelings for me and has to stop and/or is just using me. I asked her to meet me for coffee or hookah or something like that and she said she isn't ready for that but in the future she would. I don't understand, she left me, went to another guy, he was narcissistic, emotionally abused her and dumped her. Then she went to another guy she thought she was falling for and now I think she has no one, she said she is alone. (Who knows what the real truth is.)

I feel like she uses me, I brought that up but she denies it.

[Polis_Ohio]

Recently my soon to be exwife of 2 years has suddenly started to text me when she either felt helpless or she is bored and wants to make small talk (I'm assuming bored).

She will vent to me, then tell me things like "I shouldn't be telling you this" or "No offense, but I don't want to talk about this with you." right after she tells me her issues. I confront her and she acts hurt and wants to be left alone. Then later will apologize for over reacting.

Either that or she will text me and be a little playful, nothing really flirty but just playful.

In either case she will suddenly stop responding to me once she feels better. Is this a common behavior of BPD? Or is this just a common behavior period? I've never experienced something like this form someone who has left me.

I am guessing she still has residual feelings for me and has to stop and/or is just using me. I asked her to meet me for coffee or hookah or something like that and she said she isn't ready for that but in the future she would. I don't understand, she left me, went to another guy, he was narcissistic, emotionally abused her and dumped her. Then she went to another guy she thought she was falling for and now I think she has no one, she said she is alone. (Who knows what the real truth is.)

I feel like she uses me, I brought that up but she denies it.

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

Yes it happens. My ex wife did this until she landed her now husband. Three days after the wedding she wanted to talk and started moaning about her husband to me. Im not sure what drives it. Whether I was a stop gap and she was wanting to keep me on a back burner just in case. Or whether it was something else.

[Polis_Ohio]

Ah that is weird. I am the only one she can reach out to when she feels like that I imagine, or at least she believes I am the only one. At least she apologized for overreacting.

I don't understand her wanting to keep me around in her life and not being able to see me. I stood up for myself yesterday, she was not happy by that and yet apologized later so I think she understood her actions. Last week we were being playful via text, then, again, stops responding.

Ignoring me when I initiate small talk is childish, IMO, if she doesn't think we should text she should just tell me that and not mess with me.

[enlighten me]

My exgf has a supply of orbiters she can reach out to so no need for me.

My ex wife on the other hand wasn't as sociable so her circle of friends is very limited.

[Learning_curve74]

My exgf was like that with some of her exes. It was mostly the ones who were less healthy about enforcing their boundaries and more susceptible to her charms, part of which is playing the damsel in distress.

I and the guy she was fooling around before me are more grounded, probably healthier, so she never bothers us. I think it's the rejection, loneliness, and bad feelings she would have if I ignored her or were cursory if she tried to reach out to me. I'm friendly but stay out of drama.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yea I should set some boundaries with her that she cannot reach out to me like that when she has someone she is dating. That's her new boys responsibility now.

I flirted with her today, she was pretty offended. I don't even know what to say; it wasn't even sexual in nature.

[Polis_Ohio]

Well I'm taking the rest of her stuff to her on Saturday and I might see her tomorrow to drop off this last bit of paperwork. I am going to apologize to her in person for blaming her so much about our relationship and some other things I have done.

I am laden with guilt that my own flaws I have are so obvious but I never went to therapy to deal with them; these decayed our connection slowly and changed who I was and she changed who she was, it was a mess. I still love her and hope she gets help and we potentially have a chance in the future, but that is far fetched pipe dream. I feel very guilty although I had no idea what was wrong with me.

She got help, but she definitely seems BPD, just her patterns of relationships and how she treats me now. I regret never getting help for myself, even when I knew I should have early on in our relationship. Now she sees me as horrible some days and a shoulder to cry on other days.

I hope it's ok I use this as a journal type format. I am very confused still, have days of extreme depression and other days of anger how I was treated after she left and how she left, telling me one thing and doing the other.

[enlighten me]

Hi Polis

Its good to just post on here like you say as a journal.

It seems as if you've come a long way in a short time.

Its easy to feel guilty but surely the level of guilt should be linked to how aware you were of any wrong doing. In my opinion if you didn't realise you were doing anything wrong then surely your guilt shouldn't be as great as it is.

[guy4caligirl]

Hey folks , I have been reading ,not posting much but this topic touched me , after 5 years R/s Almost 12 months of B/U, numerous ,hate mail claiming "blissfully happy with her fiancé " reaching out for me when ever she felt like it the last time she said consider me dead .

I certainly "did " and went NC  now more than  sixty days( I use to count but not anymore ),Which I think for me is the best solution .

Last night I got a text  I hesitated to post it , but if it's ok I will do that if  You guys insist ... .?

What a change in me !

I did not even blink or reacted to that plead for help text ! Not at all I am proud of myself that No More , I don't fall for her manipulations , i am not going to respond ... .For What ? I know all what she would answer if i did ask ,so why bother right ?

Stay NC and go on with your life you can't make a blind horse see !My favorite saying in this drama ,Thanks Skip !

I read a lot about they don't contact you because of shame or guilt, my answer to that is : They just don't care about anyone but themselves , i don't even think that shame exists in their complex thinking .

Good luck to all of you , time will heal all the wounds and get you out the fog jus like it did me .  

[Polis_Ohio]

The issue is I knew something was wrong with me but I ignored it like I did many issues in our relationship, hoping it would go away. Really that is how I treat conflict between me and other people in general sometimes; it's not healthy. Literally when I tried to open up and talk about myself I would become so stressed it was difficult to think.

Now though I am working on that with my therapist.

Unfortunately my ex also had many, many issues; both of us tend to put other people first. She somehow claims she never was in love with me the way she wanted (she proposed to me, wanted to get married, etc... .clearly was in love she told me all the time) and that when we got married she was just "crazy". It hurts... .a lot.

I am still holding onto some bitterness, the way she left, the fact she told me we would try counseling and never did and how she is so "over us" so quickly. It stings, I'm bitter about it but nothing I can do but be civil. I am trying very hard to keep my anger under control, I never did yell when we were together in fear of hurting her (stupid I know but I was messed). I am different now, not perfect but just different.

That is why I feel guilty; I know she does too, she told me many times she feels horrible about what she did.

[guy4caligirl]

I am sorry you are hurting Ohio . Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel , it's a tough and a hard road to recovery .

It's a process believe me I went through hell and back with my EXPBD .

You will also... .It's easier said that done I know  , the sun will shine again the best of luck to you ... .

[Polis_Ohio]

Yes it hurts that she doesn't want me at all... .just over 3 months ago we were together and she wanted to work on us. 3 months and she is completely gone. I don't even understand how someone can cut ties so fast.

She always has to have a boy too, it's ridiculous she cannot be single, needs a new victim and really desires sex. Somehow for months and months she failed to tell me her attraction to me was fading even when I asked what was wrong, she claimed she didn't know. I have much pent up anger as to what she did to me, leaving me after she started to hangout with this other guy, claimed she didn't leave me for him then two weeks after started dating him. I'm glad he dumped her hard.

I hope her new guy dumps her and sees her crazy.

[guy4caligirl]

Ohio , I asked myself billion time that question and am sure many fellow members did , guess what you and I would never what goes in BPD's mind ... .This mental sickness is horrible to them and us also , They lather rinse and repeat ... .

You  will come out of it with time but sadly they won't .

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry you're hurting Polis, hang in there. 

Remember that often for aa person suffering from BPD, feelings are considered facts to them. And people almost always rewrite history to fit what they feel. Borderlines suffer from severe attachment issues and lack of emotional maturity, so think of her like a two year old in adult disguise. One moment she can be in love with you because she feels you're the sole source of security in the world, the next moment she might feel you're the devil for not giving her a shiny new toy she wants.

You said earlier she was offended by your flirting with her. Her feelings are hers, and yours are yours, right? Have you learned some coping or self soothing techniques from your therapist to help deal with these negative emotions?

[Polis_Ohio]

I have not been given any exact coping technique, except to remind myself I need to put me first and that whatever she is saying is likely her lashing out or trying to get what she needs.

I agree she suffers from severe attachment issues and a lack of emotional maturity, that is her to a T. At least she realizes her attachment issues; once I asked her why she never worked when we were together, she said she couldn't bear to be away from me and she would have to work nights or weekends so I could watch her son. That would have killed her to do, missing me so much. That is severe attachment for sure.

She also over reacts a lot and will be hurt over simple arguments sometimes. That is why i avoided arguing a lot; I was afraid of hurting her then losing her.

I miss the good times; we were a family.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yesterday was fairly quiet. I think my wife has fully moved on from me now, it hurts, a lot. I cried this morning in the shower, I miss the old her and my stepson so much.

I feel like she has decided not to love me, whether she does or not, and refuses to hangout in fear of her feeling something again. Else I do not understand why she is not ready to hangout but yet is already latching onto someone else.

She has yet to finish her paperwork; for someone who wanted this done ASAP two weeks ago she is sure dragging her feet. I don't get it.

[Polis_Ohio]

I asked if she would be available Friday after 3 pm to drop it off but she is ignoring me now. I don't get it.

Now the paperwork is not a big deal. I just want her out of my life at this point so I don't have to deal with her.

I love her deeply but this person is not her.

[enlighten me]

If she hasn't filed the paperwork yet are you able to?

[Corgicuddler95]

I asked if she would be available Friday after 3 pm to drop it off but she is ignoring me now. I don't get it.

Now the paperwork is not a big deal. I just want her out of my life at this point so I don't have to deal with her.

I love her deeply but this person is not her.

I'm three months out from my breakup and I'm finally moving on. I get this feeling, I love who my ex was and always will but the person I've known for the last 6 months is not the same. It's like the great girl I knew died.

Anyway I can't imagine her contacting me when bored, I don't think her pride would allow it and she has plenty of online friends to distract herself with. Maybe when she feels hopeless, we will see but I also hope I never do have to.

[Polis_Ohio]

If she hasn't filed the paperwork yet are you able to?

No she has to put her info into the sheet. She was all pissed off and gungho about this. Now it's whatever to her.

I don't even know why she ignores me then talks to me it's juvenile. Should I ask her if she's upset? Seems a bit pushy.

[Polis_Ohio]

I feel like I need to address her behavior; reaching out to me when sad and down and ignoring me most of the other time.

Has anyone found this to be positive for themselves? I need to set boundaries but maybe waiting until she does it again and address it is the best course of action.

I am having a very hard time accepting that it is over. I really need to apologize as I feel horribly guilty for blaming my ex for so much now that I realize my own issues. However; her behavior after leaving was basically unacceptable in my eyes, dragging my heart through the mud by giving me hope. Now she is cutting me out of her life except when she needs a shoulder to cry on it seems.

I cannot believe she went from thinking we had hope to no interest in a mere 2 weeks but that is what BPD or related issues (If she has BPD even) will do I am learning.

[enlighten me]

If you feel you need to apologise then write her an email or send her a letter.

Before you do this though you need to be clear what your end game is. Is it going to be a "I realise my part in all of this and I am truly sorry it didn't work out. I hope that one day you can meet someone who makes you happy".

Or will it be "Im sorry for my behaviour. I realise it wasn't healthy or helpful and would like to workon it if you will give me another chance".

With the later you must realise that you are basically accepting her behaviour and are willing to change yourself and put up with it. Is this what you are willing to do?

You must also realise that just because you may want it to work doesn't mean that she does.

[Polis_Ohio]

I am apologizing to right a wrong and to help me basically, I need to tell her I understand my own flaws in our relationship. It's mostly purely selfish but I am a person that needs to right my wrongs or I will hold onto the shame forever.

She has told me she doesn't think we will ever work out, but she said that before and then told me opposite and then told me that we wouldn't workout. So I have no hope for reconciliation, even if I want it. I will not be asking for another chance, if she wants to try again she needs to approach me.

I am changing myself because the issues I have, have ruined most of every relationship or budding relationship I have had. I look back at my behavior during my marriage and other relationships and notice that I have a very intense fear of abandonment and attachment. I completely lost myself in my marriage, holding down my needs and expressing only what fear would let me, if that makes sense.

However, I initially blamed her heavily for leaving and never telling me what was happening to her, despite me asking. She also lied to me, saying we would go to counseling then leaving when hysterical then saying she was being stubborn and we'll try then going back to not trying.

I am not the same as I was three months ago. I am working on realizing when I am holding back my own needs and putting up a front of what I think others want.

[enlighten me]

Its very eye opening isn't it.

I had never heard of co dependency. Before all of this I wouldn't even have acknowledged it if it had been suggested to me. I now see my own behaviour and what I must do to resolve it. Its not an over night thing but at least I can now realise when I am slipping into it.

I sent my exgf an email apologising for my behaviour. For not listening to what she was trying to tell me. This was before I even heard of BPD and co dependency. Luckily reading it back many months later I had covered everything I wanted and in a manner that was right.

[Polis_Ohio]

Did she ever respond to you?

My ex will respond, we were best friends and I believe she still feels pretty guilty about what she did. I understand why she did what she did; how she left I do not understand. A few days before she left I was the one she wanted to be with and I was amazing. A day before she left I was worth fighting for and figuring this out.

Then a switch flipped and she ran.

I feel a bit used as well; she was untreated when we met and we went through so much, I was there through thick and thin, supporting her in all her endeavors and health issues. All of that, everything we have been through, our friendship, our bond was not worth it to her. I know she tried hard throughout our relationship to get me to open up and tell me what she wanted but I did not listen, sometimes on purpose to avoid conflict. When we finally talked about it, she left.

[enlighten me]

All I got was a thank you for the email.

[Polis_Ohio]

Ah that is probably all I would get as well.

I sent her a letter I wrote early on after she left, but it was long and rambling and did not tackle my issues.

I need to stop obsessing over her though, while she was great there are other people out there too. I'm not sure I'll ever find someone that I related to and got along with as much as her but I do not know.

[enlighten me]

Taking into consideration mirroring. Where you getting along with her or your own reflection?

[Polis_Ohio]

I believe it was her, she didn't morph herself to have similar interests or personality traits. We already shared common interests when we met, that's how we met actually.

As for personality traits, we both had similar traits; except we both changed over time, me less myself and her a different person after her medication. She fell out of love when I lost myself and became, basically, what I thought I should be to make sure she didn't leave. Obviously highly detrimental to a relationship but we both had a hand in it.

Our relationship was very secure and I thought we would be together forever; in fact she was making plans for us right before she left. It's so confusing, something clicked and she ran. I think her therapist convinced her she doesn't really love me so she told herself that; I'm not sure what to believe, only she knows, but her avoidance of me is very strange.

[Polis_Ohio]

Ummm... .we texted a bit yesterday. She was making casual conversation with me and invited me over for a beer and to see her son.

That was out of nowhere... .completely out of nowhere. I could not go because of an eye appt. but what? She just didn't want to see me last weekend now invites me over?