bf is (voluntarily) committed - how do I handle these (staff) issues?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Because my bf was experiencing some severe side effects of one of the meds he was taking (really bad nose bleeds, high blood pressure and arrhythmia) and needed to be pulled of them fairly rapidly, he and his psychiatrist came to the decision to do this while he was committed. In the past, he has experienced psychosis when pulled off meds too quickly and ideally it would be something to avoid, but they don't have the luxury of weaning him off slowly this time. The cardiologist said very bluntly that he needs to come off them *now*, and they will be closely monitoring him while this takes place.

He 'checked in' last Monday and seemed okay with the situation, but things quickly deteriorated. I don't think I need to explain to anyone here that being ripped off his meds this quickly isn't very good for his mental state. He's (understandably) a very unhappy guy right now and mostly takes this out on me. When I visited on Wednesday, I got stuck in traffic (there had been an accident) and arrived halfway through the visiting hours. It's illegal here to as much as hold your phone while behind the wheel (even when traffic is at a standstill) so I couldn't let him know that I was running late and what had happened to cause it. As expected, by the time I did arrive, he was beyond pissed and accused me of not even caring enough about him to even show up on time, as well as a handful of other things before telling me to get lost.

I expected as much and honestly, it didn't even bother me. After years of intensive therapy, he's gotten a lot better at calming himself down, so I stuck around the hospital for the remainder of the visiting hours in case he'd come around before they were over. They have a decent bookstore, and I found a book he mentioned he wanted to read, so I got it for him and dropped it off at the front desk when I didn't hear from him by the time visiting hours were over.

Then came Thursday, and I learned a couple of things:

- They put him in isolation after I left because he was 'demonstrating aggressive behavior', where he 'progressively got worse' (which to me is no surprise, since being locked in is a huge trigger for him. He doesn't even lock his house while he's in it for this exact reason and won't even close any doors). Knowing him, 'aggressive behavior' means shouting. He's never - never - been physically aggressive towards anyone but himself.

- One of the nurses told him she'd be surprised if I even came back after the way he treated me the other day.

We spoke about this and he told me to leave it, that it was fine. This, to me, is not fine. He was not fine, either. Following his request partially, I didn't raise questions about the isolation (in part because I do realize that this is ultimately a judgment call from the people on the floor - I wasn't there for it). However, I did confront the nurse and asked her if what he told me she said happened. She said it did, that she felt strongly that 'these people' (I nearly bit off my tongue while trying to let that slide) needed to be made aware of possible consequences of her actions. I - somehow - managed to stay polite and told her to let me set my own boundaries and enforce them as I saw fit. After all, this is my relationship and I don't appreciate other people taking an active roll in it without invitation. She scoffed at that.

Since then, I've been unsure of what to do or how to handle this. If my bf says he'd rather leave it, I don't want to invalidate his choice by going around him and addressing it anyway. I did tell him I wanted to talk to the nurse, because she made assumptions about my reactions ('she probably feels', 'don't be surprised if she decides', etc) and I wasn't okay with her speaking for me. He was okay with that.

However, I don't have a good feeling about the situation as a whole. The way they 'handle' him seems very counterproductive to me, and he has a habit of rolling over and taking it. While I do get that this is ultimately his call, I wonder... .At what point (or even if) I should voice my concerns? And to who?

Any input on this matter would be greatly appreciated...

[HopeAndCoffee]

Because my bf was experiencing some severe side effects of one of the meds he was taking (really bad nose bleeds, high blood pressure and arrhythmia) and needed to be pulled of them fairly rapidly, he and his psychiatrist came to the decision to do this while he was committed. In the past, he has experienced psychosis when pulled off meds too quickly and ideally it would be something to avoid, but they don't have the luxury of weaning him off slowly this time. The cardiologist said very bluntly that he needs to come off them *now*, and they will be closely monitoring him while this takes place.

He 'checked in' last Monday and seemed okay with the situation, but things quickly deteriorated. I don't think I need to explain to anyone here that being ripped off his meds this quickly isn't very good for his mental state. He's (understandably) a very unhappy guy right now and mostly takes this out on me. When I visited on Wednesday, I got stuck in traffic (there had been an accident) and arrived halfway through the visiting hours. It's illegal here to as much as hold your phone while behind the wheel (even when traffic is at a standstill) so I couldn't let him know that I was running late and what had happened to cause it. As expected, by the time I did arrive, he was beyond pissed and accused me of not even caring enough about him to even show up on time, as well as a handful of other things before telling me to get lost.

I expected as much and honestly, it didn't even bother me. After years of intensive therapy, he's gotten a lot better at calming himself down, so I stuck around the hospital for the remainder of the visiting hours in case he'd come around before they were over. They have a decent bookstore, and I found a book he mentioned he wanted to read, so I got it for him and dropped it off at the front desk when I didn't hear from him by the time visiting hours were over.

Then came Thursday, and I learned a couple of things:

- They put him in isolation after I left because he was 'demonstrating aggressive behavior', where he 'progressively got worse' (which to me is no surprise, since being locked in is a huge trigger for him. He doesn't even lock his house while he's in it for this exact reason and won't even close any doors). Knowing him, 'aggressive behavior' means shouting. He's never - never - been physically aggressive towards anyone but himself.

- One of the nurses told him she'd be surprised if I even came back after the way he treated me the other day.

We spoke about this and he told me to leave it, that it was fine. This, to me, is not fine. He was not fine, either. Following his request partially, I didn't raise questions about the isolation (in part because I do realize that this is ultimately a judgment call from the people on the floor - I wasn't there for it). However, I did confront the nurse and asked her if what he told me she said happened. She said it did, that she felt strongly that 'these people' (I nearly bit off my tongue while trying to let that slide) needed to be made aware of possible consequences of her actions. I - somehow - managed to stay polite and told her to let me set my own boundaries and enforce them as I saw fit. After all, this is my relationship and I don't appreciate other people taking an active roll in it without invitation. She scoffed at that.

Since then, I've been unsure of what to do or how to handle this. If my bf says he'd rather leave it, I don't want to invalidate his choice by going around him and addressing it anyway. I did tell him I wanted to talk to the nurse, because she made assumptions about my reactions ('she probably feels', 'don't be surprised if she decides', etc) and I wasn't okay with her speaking for me. He was okay with that.

However, I don't have a good feeling about the situation as a whole. The way they 'handle' him seems very counterproductive to me, and he has a habit of rolling over and taking it. While I do get that this is ultimately his call, I wonder... .At what point (or even if) I should voice my concerns? And to who?

Any input on this matter would be greatly appreciated...

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[JH68]

In my opinion, what the nurse said was terribly inappropriate. When I read that she scoffed at you for insisting that you can set and enforce your own boundaries, I felt infuriated. I wouldn't want her treating my loved ones. Your BF may be okay with this but understandably you're not okay with this. Since the nurse was speaking for you, it is your business to decide whether you will escalate this or not.

I think the nurse was triangulating.  She cast herself into the role of "rescurer" in a Karpman triangle and had you cast as "victim" and your BF as "persecutor."  It was probably a surprise to her that you didn't accept the role she had assigned to you. https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[JohnLove]

If she cast herself in the role of rescuer that probably suited him just fine. pwBPD "love" triangulation. An ally if you will.

When my BPDexgf was involuntarily committed I had all sorts of "trouble" with certain staff but I think some of them get a little crazy from working there.

It ranged from innappropriate interference, blocking outside support (I believe they knew "better", to being just plain unhelpful and rigid.

It can be very difficult to achieve what you feel is needed when they are the authority and you are on their home ground. I told my BPDexgf if she was to return that I would not be involved.

It is now my belief that sometimes you just have to practice radical acceptance, step back, and let things take their course.

It is my personal opinion that some of the staff in the facility I was involved with should actually be patients.

[HopeAndCoffee]

Thank you both for your input, I hadn't picked up on the triangulation...

It does give me some insight my lingering irritation about the whole thing - people often underestimate me and I don't like it. I like it even less when I try to point out that I can hold my own and I feel like I'm not being taken seriously - which is how I interpreted her scoff. I still haven't figured out what it is about me that triggers this response from people, though my therapist once suggested it might just be something as simple as my height I guess it doesn't matter. I've politely stated that I didn't appreciate it, and as long as it won't turn into a recurring thing I'll try and let it go.

I suppose it doesn't help that their home ground is also my home ground. I work with a completely different age group, but it's the same field. I should perhaps remind myself of that when I step in as a visitor and indeed step back and let things take their course. Maybe that's also what irked me about the isolation; knowing him, it triggers a knee-jerk reaction somewhere along the lines of 'that wouldn't have been my choice'... .But of course, it isn't up to me. Something to work on!