Property question

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, my first post on this board.

I think me and my wife are heading for a separation further on, although it's not outspoken yet. We have two kids 11 and 9.

This morning my wife emailed me with a kind of ultimatum regarding our properties. A bit of background. We live together in a home that we own 50/50. We also have a rental property not very far away that we own 50/50. I have used this once to get away when things got especially bad. Its value is about 1/2 of the property we live in.

I have also used it as a mental crutch when thinking about separating. It would need some remodeling down the line to live in with the kids, but it's in OK shape right now.

Now my wife wants to either put it on the market in spring next year, or that ownership is somehow transferred to me. The latter would probably either mean switching so she gets ownership of our home, or that I need to take a loan to pay her share.

I'm not totally against the idea, it's a scenario I have been playing with in my mind. I'm wondering about the legal implications of it, if I don't own part in the home I live in.

The financial part (that she gets ownership of the more valuable property) is not a big issue to me. She's put in more to begin with, from an inheritance.

Thankful for any advice.

[empathic]

Hi all, my first post on this board.

I think me and my wife are heading for a separation further on, although it's not outspoken yet. We have two kids 11 and 9.

This morning my wife emailed me with a kind of ultimatum regarding our properties. A bit of background. We live together in a home that we own 50/50. We also have a rental property not very far away that we own 50/50. I have used this once to get away when things got especially bad. Its value is about 1/2 of the property we live in.

I have also used it as a mental crutch when thinking about separating. It would need some remodeling down the line to live in with the kids, but it's in OK shape right now.

Now my wife wants to either put it on the market in spring next year, or that ownership is somehow transferred to me. The latter would probably either mean switching so she gets ownership of our home, or that I need to take a loan to pay her share.

I'm not totally against the idea, it's a scenario I have been playing with in my mind. I'm wondering about the legal implications of it, if I don't own part in the home I live in.

The financial part (that she gets ownership of the more valuable property) is not a big issue to me. She's put in more to begin with, from an inheritance.

Thankful for any advice.

[ForeverDad]

Have an experienced family law attorney review any and all such 'deals'.  In some states ownership alone does not determine what the marital equity is or whether it can be modified from within a marriage and not the usual way in a divorce.  If you do things along the typical, standard ways then court has clear processes for that, if it gets complicated and away from the norm then the outcome is unpredictable when acting-out PDs are involved.

[whirlpoollife]

If there are mortgages on either or both properties , and you both transfer from 50/50 to one each, both will have to refinance to have the loan in individual names.

It's nice of you to think to let her stay in the more valuable property that she used inheritance to put in to it. What was our marital house, I used inheritance for down payment and new roof etc. During the settlement process,  xh  wanted it free and clear. He did not get the house but got 62% of the equity which was still in his favor. 

Is the rental house in the same school district as the main house ?

Something to consider when it comes to custody orders.

[ForeverDad]

WPL makes an important point, if you two change the deeds (informed with lawyer's warnings and advice) then you MUST re-synch any mortgages, equity lines and liens to reflect the new reality.  Why?  Imagine that she gets the expensive house but you're still on that mortgage.  The lenders won't care one iota that you no longer have an ownership interest or voice, they have a contract and they will want their money from you if she defaults.

Also, courts have a poor track record on enforcing their orders.  For example, if she is to get the house and she is supposed to refinance it in her name only, you may easily get it made into a court order along with other items.  But courts are generally reluctant to enforce their own orders.  Unless 'Consequences' are included as part of the terms of the order, enforcement could require several returns to court with ex given more and more time repeatedly to do whatever.

So yes, if she's willing to make reasonable financial changes now before separation, divorce or whatever, then that is good.  Just make sure to protect yourself legally along the way.  (And if she gets somethings she wants then you should get something you want too.)  You probably know her best, whether high conflict is less likely or whether false allegations and obstructions are a real risk.

It may be that since she wants the house, then that may be your 'Leverage' to get other things done too.  But once she gets what she wants, be aware her cooperation may morph into obstruction.  When dealing with acting-out people, Leverage is important.  Ponder what leverage you do have at this point.  Don't ignore it or discount its value.  Don't 'Gift' it away.

For example, if there are minor children and your spouse is possessive or entitled, you may want a parenting schedule specified so that once she's got the house she doesn't unilaterally deny you time with the children.  She can still do whatever she wants but at least you'd have some written documentation to the contrary to present to the court if necessary.

I know you didn't ask about custody but the most complicated aspect of any separation or divorce discussed here is not the property nor the finances - court is set up to handle all that with standard processes, procedures and policies - but the Custody and Parenting Schedule.  Repeat, if she is at all possessive, controlling or dictatorial, then C&PS will be your largest issues by far.  If you can get some documented (written) agreements and leverage in early, it will help you later if/when the fur starts flying.