I'm finally broken and empty, completely

[citylist]

Ahhmmm... .{short exhausted sigh} I think I'm beat. Problem is tho, I'm not truly convinced. BPDw stands firm on believing that I am Narcissistic, controlling, abusive, non caring, having an affair and plotting with the world on how to screw her in life. She has 2 grown girls (both out and in college) I have a HFA son, 14, who lives with us every 2 weeks. I am exhausted. My wife believes that her 7 year use of Lamictal is causing lower abdominal pain so she is being weened off of it. She has a DBT book that she is pounding, thinking that she will be cured when shes finished. I read it with her at her request and she just doesnt seem to get anything from it accurately, that I see anyway. She is paranoid and thinks I have a side girl. Never happened in my life, not me. She misplaces her moccasins and thinks I moved them to mess with her head. She thinks "I" open cabinet doors to make her believe a paranormal present opened them. This is what I have tried to rationalize with for 12 years. It seems to be getting worse by the day. Now she wants to be a mental health spokeswoman and share her good findings and "growth" with the world. I'm behind her all the way. I have always been 100% supportive of her in everything. This is now beyond what I can handle and I think she should be hospitalized to get regulated. She has been thru the suicide thing, drugs and alcohol etc. I have papers setting on a lawyers desk waiting for me to sign. I cry. Is this really it? Is there anything I can do to fix this? I am concerned about my son and me getting stabbed in the chest while Im sleeping. I read what I write and journal and I know a "normal" person would choke at these behaviors. They are a normal part of my life today. WOW! I am so broken. Sometimes I feel like I should be in a hospital. This is the 4th time for divorce. Each time I filed she would do a 360 and get better for a minute. My therapist says this is a "play" on me. She seems genuine. I just cant complete this decision. I think tomorrow I will just pick up the chips where they fall and go sign the papers and just be done.

Thanks for letting me share. Im just having a very hard time walking away.

[Frog!0707]

Good luck with whatever you decide It is a real emotional strain when you always have to be the one who is caring for someone else and then getting raged at the same time.  I'm in the same boat and have been for 20 years at times it improves but then it gets worse sometimes they may seek help if you are leaving only to make excuses not to go.  Hope everything works out for you.  I'm no expert but all the best.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey citylist, I wouldn't describe your possible decision to leave as "walking away."  Instead, I would suggest that you could look at it as a healthy reaction to a chaotic and highly stressful situation.  Maybe it will be better for all if you take a break from your r/s.  In my case, leaving was a way to reduce the high conflict household for our children.  Plus, it put an end to all that care taking I did, which was unhealthy for me and my Ex.  It's hard, I know, but all growth is painful, in a good way.

LuckyJim