Guess I initiated the break up, scared it won't stick

[satahal]

The quick backstory: 8 years with a udBPD partner. I have tried to stay because my youngest child adores him and he's been a strong father figure.

Unfortunately, in the last few months I've been breaking down emotionally and physically due to his black moods, sniping comments, suffocating behavior (scrutinizing everything I say and do for it slighting and hurting him), and of course his worst behavior of all - chronic lying.

It got to where I would hyperventilate when he launched into one of his manic rages. Then I started feeling like I was very short of breath just being around him. I had several fainting episodes but after a myriad of tests the doctor found nothing wrong with me. The shortness of breath is what finally got me to tell him he had to leave my house.

He's been mostly gone for about 2 weeks. He's come by around dinner time so that my son would think he was still staying here (he sneaks out after my son goes to bed). I still don't know how to break this to my kid.

The trouble is my partner doesn't get that it's over. He's gone the gamut of groveling, bargaining, lying that he's going to do x,y and z, cutting off my access to the bank account and now, pretending everything is fine. He's out of town on business and returns tonight or tomorrow and my anxiety is mounting. I wish this could happen peaceably for the sake of my son but I don't think he's going to let go without major drama.

I'm afraid I will lose my resolve and let him back in to spare us all the fireworks.

[OnceConfused]

be strong and courageous to do the right thing - telling your son the truth.

Be strong and courageous to tell your partner the truth - it is over. please respect your privacy and your home.

if you continue to be unclear and wishy washy in your conversation and behaviors then things could get messy.

It appears he is trying to work his way back into your life, to break your barrier a little bit each day. Thus, be true to yourself.

What do you really want ?

[satahal]

Thank you OC.

I told my partner again today that it's over. I was clearer than I thought I would be able to be. He gets that he's not coming home to my house, but I know he thinks he can turn things around.

What do I want: Right now, I'm praying for serenity, maybe even rare moments of joy and gratitude, feeling at home in the world again. This whole thing has been so isolating.

I wish I could make it work with him but I can't go back to that r/s. The depression and anxiety were/are debilitating - I literally felt like I couldn't breathe in his presence.

This is all kind of surreal. I've tried to end this so many times and found myself reeled back in. His begging and promises were always so convincing and gratifying - I believed then that he'd finally gotten it and was truly ready to change. I can't believe I spent 8 years on this merry go round.