Back together, anxious, seriously depressed, overwrought, and exhausted.

[Larmoyant]

After a break of 3 months I decided to give my relationship with my BPDbf another try only to be dragged right back into the misery and exhaustion. At least this time I'm not so confused! Last time I didn't know what hit me until I started reading about PDs. However, I am already depressed after the last time, the months and months of mood swings, rapid changes in emotions, anger, ranting, raging, paranoia, constant questionning, push/pull, etc. etc took their toll and I lost just about everything, job, friendships, you name it. I'm too depressed to go on. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

Foolishly, I believed this time might be different. Just prior to us reconnecting I'd met another man. It was early days and we'd only had a few calm, perfectly enjoyable dates. He seemed perfectly 'normal', no rants, rages, just a nice, regular guy.  However, my ex got in touch and before you know it I willingly signed up for another round of madness. I didn't run with my instincts to stay away and now here I am, once again, full of anxiety and stressed out embroiled in the nightmare of a life with a person inflicted with BPD. After a very brief honeymoon period it started all over again. The last week couple of weeks I have been interrogated, insulted and raged at because of this second man who I had every right to date given my ex and I had well and truly broken up. I have tried every technique in the book not to engage in the endless circular arguments, tried not to feel insulted when called all the names under the sun, not to be angry when he blames me for everything, not to have over the top anxiety and fear when he insists on spying on the poor second guy who has done absolutely nothing wrong and neither have I! He's started to go to the same places as the second guy. He says it is to find out what I've been really up to, to uncover the truth. Whatever that is! When I ended it with the other guy he was disappointed, but said he understood and wished us both well. That was the end of it, but not according to him. He's gone out again tonight, trying to find the poor guy. I don't think he's dangerous or violent just deranged and obsessed with me and this man. I didn't dare contact the second guy myself for fear of repercussions, however, we have mutual friends and I have informed them so this poor man can at least take some action if need be and protect himself. 

I am so, so tired of it all and now here I am waiting, scared of what he's going to do and tonight at some point or other he's going to ring me again and interrogate me, over and over, about this man. In the last week I've hardly had any sleep because of the early morning questionning (when I'm with him) or endless phone calls when I'm at my place.

I'm just so tired. Thank you for listening.

[Mel1968]

Oh Larmoyant, you sound as though you're having a terrible time. I don't really have anything constructive to say other than express my understanding of exactly what you're going through, having been in similar situations myself and felt so powerless and undone emotionally and physically. 

What's your next step, do you know?

Mel

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, it does sound like he's obsessed with this other guy. I mean, I think it's natural to ask questions, or have some curiosity, but to follow the guy around? I can see why you worry, and how intense this all must seem.

Can you set some boundary in regards to the interrogations? He only gets to interrogate you if you let him, so maybe stop letting him? I know that sounds simplistic, and I too am having to really work on boundaries, but instead of letting him rope you into a lot of denial, and answering questions, can you just tell him you'd love to talk to him, but are not going to keep being interrogated over the same issue over and over? You may have to leave the conversation a lot of times before he gets the picture that you just aren't going to entertain those kind of conversations anymore.

I'm someone who tends to obsess, and as someone who does, it's actually great when someone "reminds" me not to, or diverts the conversation kindly. I do it with my daughter too, who got the obsession thing from me. You aren't doing him any favors by feeding his obsession by answering all the same questions over and over, because as someone who used to struggle with obsession greatly, HE has to curb it, but feeding into it just gets you more of it. He'll catch on, it just might take some time.

Listen to your gut, and take care of yourself. Have you read the tools on the right? I used to think I had to worry so much about BPDh, and I felt much as you did, depressed, scared, and I even felt crazy at times, questioning if it was ME. I always knew it wasn't though, and with time, therapy, and some detachment, I've learned to not get so down during the bad times, and not get too high when things are better. I have sort of learned to find a middle ground, and to try to keep my focus on ME, which has helped a lot.

Keep posting, and know you are not alone.

[OnceConfused]

From reading your post, I am wondering what about your BPDbf that made you come back to him?. What are his positive qualities ?

I am afraid for the safety of this poor man who went on a date with you. If something were to happen to him, you will have regrets to live with for a long time.

Part of the boundary settings, you should set conditions to which you get back to your BPDbf. Those conditions must be clear and enforceable.   Obviously, you came back with no conditions and as such the whole BPD cycle restarts again. You are back to ground zero again.

Ask yourself a simple question: why am I letting this person abuse me ?

[unicorn2014]

Larmoyant, I too am sorry you are going through all of that. Have you heard of the pros and cons in dbt, where you look at the issue from four points of view, the pros of staying, the cons of staying, the pros of leaving, the cons of leaving? Are there some positive things you can say about your ex romantic partner?