SELF ASSESSMENT | Which best describes your approach to detachment?

[michel71]

I am in total RESCUS.... with my uBPDw who moved out today.

My best friend says " I am worried that you will go back with her". I just say "no". That's a lie.

I am pining for her already. Sent several texts that I love her. Dying to hear it back but she won't.

She says that she needs time to process. Wants some space. I am trying to take her at her "word" and hope that she is not just trying to punish or get me to an even weaker, less empowered state.

[Keef]

>Do not resuscitate<, since I've totally lost faith in this relationship. She discarded me 3 w ago after I wouldn't apologize for something I never even did (sleeping w someone else). This summer she abused me physically in a bad way - I'd liked her to have apologized for that... .- and I guess that experience has grown on me. There's no stopping the demise of this relationship, even though she's started therapy.

She's reached out two times the last two weeks. First with blame mail, and then after a week of silence with another e-mail, saying 'I miss you'. Well, sorry baby. It takes more than that to make us two dance yet another tango.

[unicorn2014]

I'm working with a therapist to do release with grace

She wants me to take a 1-2 month sabbatical from the relationship. I have unsuccessfully been able to do that so far however today I started a stopwatch on myself in terms of when I reply to his text, and I'm also starting a text count before I read. My therapist does not want me to block him but to learn how to ignore him.

I communicated to him per her instruction I need some time to get my head back together after some difficulties I've been through. I asked him politely not to text me so much. He of course went ballistic. She's working with me to ignore his texts and to kind of have a "so what" attitude towards them.

I've unfriended him on Facebook, sent his email to junk and put my phone in do not disturb mode. Text is the one thing I have to deal with. Oh, I also unplug my landline when he starts calling. So far today I have not talked to him on the phone so I guess this is day 1.

There were periodic no phone contact when he would go on a trip, but this one is initiated by me.

[SonicGhost]

Do not resuscitate--she ended the relationship after 30 years. I am working toward releasing her with grace.

This is a great survey question. I appreciate the candor with the responses.

I heard through my adult kids that she recently left the state. Good riddance!

I am now more focused on gaining healing for myself and for our kids. Thankfully they have begun to open up to me about their issues and incidents with our BPD wife and mother over the last 10 years. Horrifying stories! I always find it fascinating how a BPD can twist the perspective on almost anything to make themselves look good.

I am moving on. I will work on my severe codependency issues and consider another relationship some time down the road. It is going to take some time to recover from what appears to be 30 years of BPD and Bipolar.

[tlc232]

Other -- Depends on what day of the week it is and what happened.  I am feeling that NC would likely be most effective but I have a requirement that I am not happy about with the exBPD (a contractual one).   I would love release with grace, but as usual, only one of us is being graceful and it isn't effective.

[Speck]

Do Not Resuscitate

High functioning uBPDw left me four times.

I can no longer lasso a wild horse; may get kicked in the teeth.


-Speck

[clvrnn]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?


I am in DNR mode. She has changed her number and I have no method of contacting her, except on Instagram (which I do not have). I was in NC for ten weeks before I found out she'd done this.

What drives me to remain silent is that she is able to destroy my mental health through her words and actions (even if this isn't her intention). I suffer anxiety attacks, severe depression and suicidal thoughts when I'm in contact with her. Regardless of how much I want to return to her, the most important thing is my health and I can't do that to myself anymore.

[clvrnn]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?


I am in DNR mode. She has changed her number and I have no method of contacting her, except on Instagram (which I do not have). I was in NC for ten weeks before I found out she'd done this.

What drives me to remain silent is that she is able to destroy my mental health through her words and actions (even if this isn't her intention). I suffer anxiety attacks, severe depression and suicidal thoughts when I'm in contact with her. Regardless of how much I want to return to her, the most important thing is my health and I can't do that to myself anymore.

[Calli]

No contact (and a bit Resuscitate if I’m totally honest) 

Such a great thread.  I am in the NC stage, which I know (and he knows) is what is best for both of us.  I know that he wants what is best for me, and himself, and vice versa.  It’s incredibly painful sometimes.  But I know it’s what it should be.  But to be honest, I do know that I wouldn’t trust myself if he tried to contact me.  I feel like I would be sucked right back in.   There’s a part of me that wishes we could go back.  Try better?  But I also know it’s not possible (as I did my best).  So somewhere inside of me there’s a part in resuscitate mode.  And I would bet it will be there forever.  Which frustrates me so much if I let it.  But then I remember that I shouldn’t fight it.   Let it be.  Accept that part and let it go.  It’s ok to be where I am now.  I have hope for brighter days, and already I can acknowledge that things are much better and simpler in many ways.  Thanks for this thread. My heart goes out to all of us struggling with letting go. 

[Goosey]

I’m doing it the hard way.
Agonized so much it becomes a sad comical.
  (And that’s a step forward (maybe) to realize that)

My reality now is…. Know anything that will never happen between us is worse then what I feel everyday without her.
   My riddle.
    Like a crime scene. Don’t go back to the act.

[SaltyDawg]

What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in?

This poll is geared only for one BPD relationship, I've been and currently am in two, so I answered 'other'.

With the uBPD/uNPD/u+exgf - DNR w/ NC would be in order, that is what I did with no regrets.

With the uBPD/uOCPDw - RWG would likely happen as I have finally called my wife's bluff on her divorce/separation threats - these have stopped and 'we're still both in the relationship'.  I feel that 'I've advanced beyond these early stages of detachment' as I have come to terms if my wife wants to leave me, as I am now able to let my wife know 'she is free to go' with the caveat that she must leave the marital home, which she is unwilling to do.

^{Resuscitation mode
 Do not resuscitate mode (DNR)
 Release with grace mode (RWG)
 No contact mode (NC)
 We're still both in the relationship
 I've advanced beyond these early stages of detachment
 Other (please explain in post)}