Marriage Counselor - Letting them know about BPD?

[rsychk05]

My marriage hit what I would consider rock bottom in April. I started seeing a T alone. ubpH refused to see someone. Over time, I was told about BPD and have tried to educate myself a lot. After giving him an ultimatum (get help or I'm gone) two months ago, he has made some small changes - mostly external things. How he treats me has not changed IMO. How he treats our small children also has not changed and is all the more reason for me to want to be done. I have expressed my desire to separate many times, but I'm either talked out of it or not taken seriously. I have a hard time asserting my feelings. I finally got to a place last week where I was fed up. In our second session of couples T (H's last ditch effort to keep me and avoid individual T) I was ready to make those feelings known. When I started to, the T told me that for the kids I should give a real effort to building a mature relationship with a solid foundation before giving up.

At this point, he has seen my H being immature and defensive, but doesn't know the half of what has gone on. I haven't brought up BPD and don't plan to, but I don't feel he understands the weight of my H's words and actions and therefore can't really understand where I'm at. What he sees before him is a guy saying that he's willing to do whatever to make things work and he thinks he's 100% better and I just won't let him prove that to me. I've heard it all before and it just doesn't last. H knows that I will do anything for the kids and is really playing into the idea that I need to do this for them and because the T said so. The thing is, my individual T thinks that I deserve better than what I deal with and I'm definitely inclined to agree.

It took me a long time to work up the courage to admit that I didn't want to stay anymore and even more time to say it outloud. What this couples T said has gotten to me though and shattered my confidence a bit. Any advice here? Has this happened to anyone else?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey rsychk, I don't think it's necessary to let your MC know about your BPD suspicions, because if the T is good he/she will pick up on it anyway.  I don't buy the idea that you need to hang in for the kids, because I did that for 10 years with my BPDxW and it didn't work out well for anyone involved.  In my view, kids are better off without the high conflict of a BPD marriage, or at least its less stressful for them without parents arguing all the time.  Plus, I think a MC has to walk a tightrope between two clients so I would give more weight to what your individual T is saying.  Finally, I suggest you avoid basing any decisions out of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (F-O-G), which are all forms of manipulation; instead, suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out what is the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I don't necessarily agree that the marriage T will pick up on the fact that your husband may have BPD. PW BPD can be very good at being charming, and hiding their bad behaviors. I mean, most of his acting out is at home, right? You are freer to tell you individual T these things, and probably not bringing up all this in MC, so I agree that the advice you are being given in MC, is based on the MC not having all the facts.

I'm sort of in this situation too. Our MC knows BPDh is in DBT, but we haven't specifically said for what, and BPDh denies he's been diagnosed, he just randomly got put in DBT 

I'm about fed up with MC, myself. We get nowhere, and I'm sick of doing all the work, leaving there feeling blamed(or revictimized), while BPDh just skates, and zones out. Who needs that crap?

If I were you, I'd listen to what your gut is telling you, and what you are your individual therapist think is best.

[purekalm]

I would trust myself. You know what's really going on no matter what your BPDh makes everyone believe. Your kids will be happier. I am currently in the process of separating mainly FOR my son. Me as well, but I'm tired and worried about the way he continually treats my son.

My husband's church believes I'M the problem and respect his decision to separate. 

My dad's family believes we've made life hard for him, not appreciating all he's done for us and actually asked if we were making up things we told them at one point.

The truth? My husband is a jerk, compulsive liar, cheater, abusive. My dad made life impossible for U.S. And no, I'm not lying that he did all those horrible things to us.

I've come to a point where I have to hold onto the actual reality really tight so no one can talk me out into their VERSION of reality. You know the truth and what you've already done to make it for the kids. It takes two to BUILD a relationship, and if the other person lacks effort then what relationship is there?

[Lucky Jim]

If I were you, I'd listen to what your gut is telling you, and what you are your individual therapist think is best.

I'm with you, Cerulean.  Agree, MC has its limitations.

I've come to a point where I have to hold onto the actual reality really tight so no one can talk me out into their VERSION of reality. You know the truth and what you've already done to make it for the kids. It takes two to BUILD a relationship, and if the other person lacks effort then what relationship is there?

Agree w/that, purekalm.  My BPDxW tried many times to tell me that the sky is green, so-to-speak, but I still knew that it was blue.

LuckyJim

[rsychk05]

Thanks to all for your feedback!

My gut is now, and has been for some time, telling me we should be apart. I genuinely feel like I have put all of myself into this relationship and into fixing things and he's now showing minimal (temporary) changes just to keep the status quo.

I think what the MC said rattled me a bit. It made me question whether or not I've really tried everything. I feel that I have. What they're both saying to me is that I need to make the choice to be all in and commit to fixing the marriage. When I really feel that nearly both feet are out the door. I think one foot has been dragging a bit because of the F-O-G. I genuinely don't understand how you can commit fully to repairing a relationship that you don't believe can be repaired.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey rsychk, Like what you are saying.  I can tell that you have been listening to your gut feelings.  It's easy to get lost in the F-O-G, but you seem to be coming out of it.  From my perspective, you are on a path toward greater happiness.  LJ