xbf not served for PFA (pennsylvania)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I just spoke with the Sheriff's office. I was ordered a temporary protection from abuse order 2 days ago. They tried to serve him yesterday... .but missed him. They are going to try again today.

I am sick to my stomach... .what if he doesn't get served?

So this means he doesn't know yet and might still contact me. I am scared out of my mind. He is going to lose his sh*t when he gets served.

Yesterday I was strong and thought I was good, but today I don't feel so strong anymore.

[cloudten]

So, I just spoke with the Sheriff's office. I was ordered a temporary protection from abuse order 2 days ago. They tried to serve him yesterday... .but missed him. They are going to try again today.

I am sick to my stomach... .what if he doesn't get served?

So this means he doesn't know yet and might still contact me. I am scared out of my mind. He is going to lose his sh*t when he gets served.

Yesterday I was strong and thought I was good, but today I don't feel so strong anymore.

[Turkish]

Emotionally, this is very distressing. Are you physically safe from any repercussions? You've made enough people aware of what's going on who are looking out for you?

[cloudten]

Yes I think my daughter and I will both be alright. I have made arrangements for us to be away this weekend. Lots of people know what is going on, for a change, and if anything happens, my lawyer has lots of evidence and everyone will know who did it.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, this is a scary time right now and I'm talking just about filing the paperwork.  Remember, you were the target, you were the one manipulated, strung along, conned, etc.  So when he claims he's the victim and unjustly targeted, don't be shaken.

Also, on the other end of the scale, he may realize that he finally went too far and try to woo you back.  He's done it before, he may try it again.  He has motivation now, he will want to undo this from his record.  Can you stick by your resolve?

Do you know if he's had any prior PFAs filed against him?  If he has any prior legal history with police or courts then that will strengthen your report.

I see that your relationship has been off-again, on-again, over and over.  Are you confident, whatever the outcome of this current case, that you will break this pattern and NEVER go back to him?  Even if he (again) says he's seeing the therapist again?  Even if he (again) says he's changed?  Even if he (again) says it won't happen again?  Remember, you've given him far too many "one last chances".

The reason I ask this is that you will probably get support from the police, agencies and court. But - and this is a huge BUT - if you later drift back to him and then the next time the police, agencies and court may not be so helpful.  They'll see you and him as revolving door litigants.  They'll wonder why you keep wanting them to fix your relationship problems rather than just ending it and getting away permanently.

By now I believe you've already come to that conclusion - there's no going back, ever -  but I bluntly wrote it out in the two paragraphs above so you are even more firmly resolved to End all contact with him, permanently.  You won't ever get Closure from him, going back will just put you onto that dangerous rickety roller coaster again.

[cloudten]

Yes, this is a scary time right now and I'm talking just about filing the paperwork.  Remember, you were the target, you were the one manipulated, strung along, conned, etc.  So when he claims he's the victim and unjustly targeted, don't be shaken.

Also, on the other end of the scale, he may realize that he finally went too far and try to woo you back.  He's done it before, he may try it again.  He has motivation now, he will want to undo this from his record.  Can you stick by your resolve?

Do you know if he's had any prior PFAs filed against him?  If he has any prior legal history with police or courts then that will strengthen your report.

I see that your relationship has been off-again, on-again, over and over.  Are you confident, whatever the outcome of this current case, that you will break this pattern and NEVER go back to him?  Even if he (again) says he's seeing the therapist again?  Even if he (again) says he's changed?  Even if he (again) says it won't happen again?  Remember, you've given him far too many "one last chances".

The reason I ask this is that you will probably get support from the police, agencies and court. But - and this is a huge BUT - if you later drift back to him and then the next time the police, agencies and court may not be so helpful.  They'll see you and him as revolving door litigants.  They'll wonder why you keep wanting them to fix your relationship problems rather than just ending it and getting away permanently.

By now I believe you've already come to that conclusion - there's no going back, ever -  but I bluntly wrote it out in the two paragraphs above so you are even more firmly resolved to End all contact with him, permanently.  You won't ever get Closure from him, going back will just put you onto that dangerous rickety roller coaster again.

This is all a very excellent reminder of why I cannot go back. It's absolutely logical- when a lot of this relationship has been very illogical. Before I did go back - one day without reason I showed up on his front porch. But this time, I know its different. I feel its completely different. I know him well enough to know that this will totally blow his ego and break him.  And I can't believe I am going to say this, but I don't care that this is going to break him. It's the tiniest bit of revenge. He has hurt me so deeply and so much... .its time for him to be held accountable and if that breaks him- so be it.

But thank you for what you said. I hadn't really thought of it as using the police to fix relationship issues. But it makes complete sense. As far as I am concerned, this relationship is completely over. permanently. I think it will be on his end as well as soon as he gets served.

[cloudten]

So, he still hasnt been served! Hopefully tomorrow. Thankfully he hasnt contacted me directly. He did contact my uncle though and told him we were over. I had to tell my uncle the whole story and now he wants to have a piece of my xBPD. Lol jkjk.

I am trying not to worry that he hasnt been served, but the hearing is a week from tomorrow. Hmm. I just want this over with.

Also, my lawyer wants me to meet with police and possibly press charges for death threats... .of which i have one on voicemail from 2 years ago (its 3 years statute of limitations for death threats). I dont know if i am willing to go that far.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes we hesitate to Tell All because we are still clinging to Fixer/Saver mode.  Sometimes we have to Let the Cards Fall Where They May Fall mode. I'm not telling you which way to decide but here's my experience as a man/husband reporting on a woman/wife.

My ex made explicit death threats before and after I called the police.  She even grabbed the handset and hung up my 911 call (and then broke it to pieces throwing it past me and hitting the wall).  Two officers arrived, one a canine unit.  I think I was almost carted off, but my preschooler shrieked and clung even tighter to me when they instructed me to hand him over to his mother and "step away". Since he never left my arms they just said "work it out" and left.  What kid won't go to his mother?  Ever since I've said he saved me that day.  Once I downloaded the recording when she was elsewhere, I called and had them come back.  The recording was used in court, she even admitted threatening me.  However the judge said there was no weapon in her hands, was not an "imminent" threat per case law and so found her not guilty.  So I asked my lawyer if she has the right now to make death threats with impunity as long as her hands are empty?

I think the judge made that ruling because (1) she wasn't a repeat offender, it was her first time and (2) of course she was female.  How could a man be a victim?  The case law was of another case where a guy came home drunk and told his wife that if he had a gun he's shoot her.  Well, he didn't have a gun and so she couldn't get a conviction.  Even my ADA remarked that my case wasn't the same as that 'conditional threat' referenced in case law.

There is nothing wrong with telling all the facts.  Or at least being prepared to do so if necessary.  Let him worry about himself and his consequences.  You need to take care of yourself and your future.  Until you know how he and any potential legal team will respond, be prepared with all your documentation.  If he tries to fight the case then perhaps it will be need and be Leverage to convince him to stay away (or court to make him stay away) so he won't have worse legal problems.

"My lawyer wants me to... ."  Generally lawyers know what they're doing and advising.  Generally it's best to listen.  They can be objective and have experience in these legal matters where we have a hard time stepping back and getting perspective.

[cloudten]

ForeverDad- Your kids certainly did save you. Thank you for your advice and sharing your story. I think I will share the voicemails with the police, but I think pressing charges at this point in time with old evidence would be a waste of everyone's time and energy and tax payer money. I think they'll let it go, just as they did with your wife.  I will however continue forward with my restraining order.

Update on that: The sheriff reported to me that he was served yesterday at noon at his office (in front of employees).  I have to sort of chuckle because its like the tiniest little "FU" that he can't keep this secret from his employees and he can't keep this secret from his family, and he simply can't hide anymore. Yes, I have absolutely hesitated to Tell All because I am still clinging to the fixer/saver mode. I am mostly in the let the cards fall where they may fall mode.

I have been feeling horrible today. I am turning in my best friend. not that he doesn't deserve it... .he completely does. I am just broken. I never wanted any of this to happen. I simply wanted to live a simple life with my best friend... .but he could never relax and be comfortable. I know he is angry with me... .but that really isn't anything new. I know he is hurting- and I have hurt him even more by doing this. I loved him... .and this hurts.  I am going to miss him... .I already do... .so much.

But onward I press... .I completely support the restraining order. It's hard to believe that its been a whole week since I talked to him and 10 days since I saw him last, hovering in my face as he threatened to rape me. I keep thinking that I can't believe that's the way it ends, with him screaming in my face.  But then I realized today that isn't how this ends... .it will end in the courtroom on Monday. And it will end with me being awarded a permanent restraining order. It will end with me smiling as a sheriff's deputy escorts me to the car and he is held for a half hour. That is how this ends. I will win.

[ForeverDad]

You have a very real long term challenge before you.  What is that?  To stick to your PFA or whatever portions the court chooses to grant to you.  Believe it or not, more than a few people weaken their own protective or no-contact orders by eventually reaching out to the person or allowing them to gradually resume contact.  Some even dive right back into the relationship whirlpool.  Right now you are so sure you are cutting it off cold turkey.  But are you determined to Leave It In The Past?  The head knows it is an extremely slippery slope to allow even a little contact, but the heart can be treacherous.  Keep the barrier up firm and resolved, so you give time for your heart to catch up.

What I'm saying is that if you, at some future time, resume contact or even a relationship while knowing the risks, you will only have yourself to blame.  So avoid that path.  Please.

It's possible that he doesn't have a legal history.  So even if you would have researched him you might not have found anything if you were the first to go legal.  But with this in the records there may be enough information for his next attempts at relationships to look before they leap.