Social investigation

[Popeye115]

For years, I tried to find help for myself to understand why my wife (1) didn't behave like she loved her chuldren, (2) why she was always complaining about me & the children, (3) spent money recklessly to the tune of $10k-$15k/mo, etc etc etc. I used to say she went from "zero to furious" in seconds flat -- and usually i could never determine what set her off. Unfortunately, I kept seeking help with the wrong mental health professionals, because my insurance kept pointing me to social workers. And when I visited with social workers and asked "could it be hormonal? Postpartum? Early menopause, etc.?", they ALWAYS responded with: "She's just a b___, and you should cut & run."

I never considered leaving. We have 2 little girls, and I love my family. I just felt that we all "walked on eggshells" because, as my 5 year old says, "Mommy is always so cranky."

Then, one day after 7 years of marriage, my wife literally took off-- without warning or explanation. I went to work one morning, and when I returned home that afternoon, I found that she had taken our daughters, our dog, all of our money, our car, furniture, computers & electronics, etc.

I was a horrible mess, trying to figure out where she had taken my girls, what was wrong with my wife, what was she telling the girls, etc. She pulled the kids out of school (telling them that she was afraid I might kidnap them from school), reported me to (1 county) child protected services and (in another county) the sheriff's department for "stalking" -- all within 24 hours of her disappearing. Almost immediately, neighbors & friends disappeared because they didn't want to get pulled into the drama. Meanwhile, my "loving bride" was trying to ruin me both financially & emotionally. It was like a movie!

I promptly hired an attorney and a psychiatrist to explain what I'm dealing with. Remarkably, they've seen this behavior before. Thinking first of the children, I filed for divorce and pushed hard for something of a "psychiatric evaluation".

Two weeks later, she let me see the kids for 2 hours while she hovered -- not saying anything but with an awful scowl. Three weeks later, when I saw her again in my front yard, I  calmly asked if she wanted a divorce and she pounced on the opportunity to blame me since I was the one who filed. Now, 6 months after she first walked out, she refuses to talk to me AND she refuses to comply with the Court -- showing disrespect and disdain for the process that she initiated.

Oh, I forgot this: she has submitted an affidavit that, while it is horribly inaccurate because she has no income or understanding of our finances, she acknowledged having spent $20K in cash and $40K on (new) credit cards in the first 3 months. What the heck?

She (42) has a college degree, and she used to be a beautiful & successful pharmaceutical rep. I (41) have an MBA and have been successful in my career. What the hell happened to trigger this very extreme and reckless behavior?

There is more I can explain about changes at work, and I'll happily share if it's relevant. Meanwhile, my company has wanted me to move within the state (3+ hour drive) for a fantastic promotion with a great company, but I've been explaining that I can't unless/until I can take my kids with me.

So now for my question:

I hired a social investigator to perform psychological tests on both of us. Unfortunately, during the many month process, I receive no feedback until the end. We're about 4-6 weeks from the end. I can only trust that the court psychologist is capturing all of the evidence and recommends to the judge that the kids be returned "home" and, even better, recommends that they move with me.

I love my family and I love my wife. I would never choose to break us apart, and I would never ask to have full responsibility for my children -- except she's so clearly toxic for the children. Do you have any advice on what I can say or do to help the court & court psychologist? They're very nice, & I have no reason to doubt that they'll do the right thing. Any thoughts are welcome.

[ForeverDad]

When I first separated, family court did agree to order psych evals and the results were to be shared with both parties.  I promptly did mine, the 2 hour session with a grad student from a local college at the county mental health facility resulted in an "anxiety" conclusion, no surprise.  What really surprised me was that I never had any proof my ex complied with her evaluation order and for sure she never turned in anything.  No. One. Cared.  Eventually the cases in two courts (mutual protection petitions) were dismissed.  I presume my lawyer shared my results.  To my knowledge it was all just ignored.

Similarly, years later my ex's lawyer sent interrogatories, respond within jail or the quoted law said I'd be fined and or jailed.  Later I realized it was never enforced.  I struggled getting 600+ pages together despite many answers "don't know", "don't have or not available", "does not apply", etc.  My lawyer got peeved and we submitted our own interrogatories.  I send 600+, we received 0.  That's right, Zero.  I learned my lesson, I told my lawyer that henceforth I would require that any information to be mutually shared had to be "exchanged" and not just turned over.  Otherwise I would never get anything in return.

Also, I had presumed the court would be aghast and peeved with my ex that in the early months she had blocked my parental contact with our preschooler for over 3 months.  Never happened.  Meanwhile police had stayed in the background stating we both had (unspecified) parental rights but they would do nothing unless I had a court order or she called 911 on me.  Evidently I couldn't call 911 on her (blocking) but she could (claimed fear, etc).  Well, when the court questioned her and she admitted not letting me have any contact with our child for 3 months, the response was, "Well, I'll fix that."  He merely made me alternate weekend parent, no lectures to her, no finger wagging, no make up time for me, no consequences.  So be prepared that the court and other professionals involved will just do their jobs and little more.

I am not clear, what is the court psychologist is supposed to do?  In our experience, based on reports from our many members, most courts don't try to get a diagnosis.  Maybe in murder trials but if the spouse isn't already diagnosed then it probably won't seek a diagnosis.  They deal with the parents as they are.  They expect allegations and counter allegations, they have them investigated and often just drop them without consequences once determined to be 'unsubstantiated'.  In general you're likely to find that courts give minimal attention to the adult behaviors (how she has treated you) and more focus to the parenting behaviors.  Sadly, unreasonably blocking access doesn't get much attention.  Response is usually limited to the high bar of 'substantive' child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  Blocking, obstructing, delaying, etc, seem to get a "yeah, so what, let's move on" response.  So I'm thinking your court psychologist is going to report on how the parents' behaviors impact parenting?

I had a custody evaluation.  The evaluator was an experienced and perceptive child psychologist highly regarded by the court.  That is very important, quality and experience is far more important than quoted rates.  The initial report to the court was surprisingly short, just 10 or 11 pages but was accurate summarizing, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody... ."

It took me 2 years in divorce before I moved up to a settlement for equal time in the final decree.  More than 3 years before I got custody.  Nearly 3 more years before I got majority time (just during the school year).  Clearly, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  But... .getting the best orders possible as soon as you can is crucial.  Have a strategy, expect the unexpected, actually have a variety of strategies, some will work, some won't.  Being a father means you have an uphill struggle and it's hard to undo the stereotype of Dad hands over his wallet and gets alternate weekends.

[bravhart1]

Knowing what you know now I think in retrospect when she took off like that you should have called the sheriffs dept and done a fifty one fifty on her. Say she is mentally imbalanced and a danger to your family. Heck I would even say she called you from a pay phone and threatened her self and the kids.

Maybe a cautionary tale for anyone else this happens to.


From where you are now, I would press VERY hard in court for her to comply with all the psych evals and that the children get evaluated by a professional therapist to find out what she has told them about their sudden upheaval. I would try to get this done exparte so she can't program them beforehand.

Look for clues in money movement for example of ways in which she was plotting this out. That may help you in court if she calculated a move without notice and moving your children without discussion. She's going to have to prove her accusation that she had to move away without notice because you were dangerous, keep hammering away at that, make her have to say she has no proof except her word, which you obviously disagree with. I think making her be accountable for all these actions right now in this moment is your best bet. She may get you to try to normalize things and focus on the debt and distract you from the heinous action of uprooting your children without cause. That was extreme and damaging. Make her own it. Good luck!