Is the problem me? How do I fix this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think I took the invitation literally, when it was not meant that way. In other words I misinterpreted the situation. The invite was extended a few times after I said I did not have family to return to for the holidays. I realize now I probably put them in an uncomfortable position. Not intentionally, its just my aunt was the mother I never had (i.e: not BPD). Losing her ontop of my ex was so difficult.  Ive also had a bit of stress over a houseguest that would not leave. This is why I mourn my ex, because good friendships take time to build. I am lonely and want it NOW.  Obviously I cannot expect another person to swoop in and make this all better; people have their own lives and aren't going to accomodate me. The loneliness at times is just overwhelming. I want to be important to someone, and feel included. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect this from my ex as well? Dunno.

I am trying to work on this though. I see a therapist and am trying a new medication. I suppose if I want stuff like this to stop happening I also need to learn to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to be around an unhappy person, I get that. I don't blame anyone for it either; i'm just at a loss to fix whats so fundamentally wrong.

I think that it is important to have people in your life with whom you should enjoy a transparent dialog. Likewise, post ex, I am guessing that you had much of your social life invested in them to the extent that you are faced with a formidable task of rebuilding your social network, NOT that you have problems making friends and meeting people. Its a lifelong task to cultivate close relationships and the road to enrichment by them is a long one. AND at the end of it all, most people have a friend or three that is really tight and the remainder are acquaintances of greater or lesser regard. I like an old German saying that 'there is a lid for every pot', life is a matter of finding those lids.

As far as the holiday is concerned, I have spent some by myself as well and you are right, it is not easy. I don't know that this will help you but its an idea: why not volunteer to participate in some flavor of charity event on Thanksgiving. The feeling of giving may be enough to offset the feelings of loneliness for the holiday. I know someone who did this a while after her divorce who met a man who was there under the same circumstances and later became married. It would be a nice byproduct... .just a thought

[JRT]

I think I took the invitation literally, when it was not meant that way. In other words I misinterpreted the situation. The invite was extended a few times after I said I did not have family to return to for the holidays. I realize now I probably put them in an uncomfortable position. Not intentionally, its just my aunt was the mother I never had (i.e: not BPD). Losing her ontop of my ex was so difficult.  Ive also had a bit of stress over a houseguest that would not leave. This is why I mourn my ex, because good friendships take time to build. I am lonely and want it NOW.  Obviously I cannot expect another person to swoop in and make this all better; people have their own lives and aren't going to accomodate me. The loneliness at times is just overwhelming. I want to be important to someone, and feel included. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect this from my ex as well? Dunno.

I am trying to work on this though. I see a therapist and am trying a new medication. I suppose if I want stuff like this to stop happening I also need to learn to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to be around an unhappy person, I get that. I don't blame anyone for it either; i'm just at a loss to fix whats so fundamentally wrong.

I think that it is important to have people in your life with whom you should enjoy a transparent dialog. Likewise, post ex, I am guessing that you had much of your social life invested in them to the extent that you are faced with a formidable task of rebuilding your social network, NOT that you have problems making friends and meeting people. Its a lifelong task to cultivate close relationships and the road to enrichment by them is a long one. AND at the end of it all, most people have a friend or three that is really tight and the remainder are acquaintances of greater or lesser regard. I like an old German saying that 'there is a lid for every pot', life is a matter of finding those lids.

As far as the holiday is concerned, I have spent some by myself as well and you are right, it is not easy. I don't know that this will help you but its an idea: why not volunteer to participate in some flavor of charity event on Thanksgiving. The feeling of giving may be enough to offset the feelings of loneliness for the holiday. I know someone who did this a while after her divorce who met a man who was there under the same circumstances and later became married. It would be a nice byproduct... .just a thought

[Beach_Babe]

Yes that is a good idea. And while I certainly understand plans change, it was hurtful  for them to deny it ever happened... It makes me feel like I am not even a person. An "im sorry I forgot about that" would have sufficied. How is your court case going JRT?

[JRT]

Yes that is a good idea. And while I certainly understand plans change, it was hurtful  for them to deny it ever happened... It makes me feel like I am not even a person. An "im sorry I forgot about that" would have sufficied. How is your court case going JRT?

If this is a true friend, I wonder if it were merely a misunderstanding? Might be an idea to circle back.

The case is in my lawyers hands now... .I don't anticipate to hear much if at all for a while.

[Skip]

If this was a normal day in a normal week, you'd just glide by it.  

You're emotionally tethered by all that has happened so your probably dipping into some of the distorted patterns we fall into like: jumping to conclusions or magnification

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284484.msg12683237#msg126832

Losing a relationship is a big set back. It takes time to rebuild.

What drug is the therapist trying?

[Beach_Babe]

People seem so freaked out at the idea of being around me. I feel like the elephant man.

[Skip]

DO any of those 10 forms of thinking pertain to you?

[eeks]

One thing that springs to mind is this persons behaviour. Could it be that you are attracted to people like your ex? I don't mean fancy them but engage with them. Could the fact your friend denies that you were invited and then gaslights you not mean that she is the one with a problem?

You mentioned your FOO and correct me if Im wrong but I sense it was drama filled. Your ex with BPD and friends who don't show healthy behaviour. Could it just be because of your FOO that you feel comfortable around these sort of people?

Hi Beach_Babe, welcome to the Personal Inventory board!    (indirectly, I see that your thread was moved here)

I think enlighten me has a good point here.  Nobody would deliberately choose hurtful situations and people, and I think that's why this is such a difficult concept to grasp.  However, what seems to happen is that, especially in romantic relationships (but in my experience, also with friends) we are drawn to people who in some way match the characteristics of our parents/caregivers, in order to "try to give the story a happier ending this time".  

Now, why it's those people we feel we have to finish our unfinished business with, and not just decide to try to find someone who can love us the way our parents didn't, I don't know.  

However, in the meantime, what do you think about considering the idea that there may not be anything "wrong with you", being alone on holidays is painful but it may have absolutely nothing to do with whether you are "deserving" or not?  That somehow (through no fault of your own, you've done the best you could with what you know) you've found your way into these experiences, and having some trust, even if it seems distant for now, that something else is possible?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am sorry you feel like the elephant man.  That sounds enormously painful.  I hope you will really investigate this and use this as a way to find your way back to you.  

My very painful b/u has given me a great opportunity to look at me, my patterns and my behaviors.  So that I can learn what is working in my life and what isn't.  To see what I need to accept and what I can improve.  GOOD FOR YOU FOR SEEING A THERAPIST!  

I certainly have engaged A LOT of support post break-up.  Here are some of my favorites:  

1)  Therapist

2)  Life Coach  

3)  Lots of EFT (emotional freedom technique) sessions with a professional

4)  Lots of EFT sessions by myself (tons of videos on youtube... .i like rob gorick who does both hypnosis and EFT and brad yates:  https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=rob+gorick+;  https://www.youtube.com/user/eftwizard).  There are many EFT videos that are ALWAYS available 24/7.  And you can do EFT on yourself anywhere/anytime.  Great for managing stress/fear/worry.

5)  Zentangle is a meditative art form (https://www.zentangle.com/;  www.tanglepatterns.com/).

6) Free sessions with the volunteer help line for Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" work. I do LOTS of this and really think I should do it everyday. This is enormously helpful and the volunteers don't sugar coat things.  They make me really look and question my assumptions.   (info on The Work:  www.thework.com/en/about-byron-katie;  free volunteer hotline: instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list;  Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet:  www.thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf)

7)  of course, am SO grateful for bpdfamily.com.  What a lifesaver and normalizer!

8)  Left-nostril breathing.  FREE & EASY!  (www.grdhealth.com/yogameditation/leftnostril.php)


That is not to toot my own horn or to make me sound like a total whack job, but it is fair that after these destructive r/s's we need to take really good care of ourselves.    I have needed help (not just sympathy) seeing what is in front of me, what I am responsible for, what others are responsible for and what to do about it.  

Sounds like you've had lots of hurtful experiences throughout life from family, friends and your recent xBPDbf.  Seems like you DESERVE (not need, but deserve) lots of good support and help!

This might be a great year to celebrate Thanksgiving by being THANKFUL FOR YOU finding your way back to YOU.    

XOXO  

[Panda39]

However, in the meantime, what do you think about considering the idea that there may not be anything "wrong with you"

I picked this up as well in your posts, a lot of self-criticism. I recognize this because I have and still can do this to myself too.  How about thinking about this blown invitation as it's their loss.  Instead of beating yourself up how about instead thinking about it in terms of... .They are missing out on your company.  How about thinking about this as some new free time on your hands that you can spend time doing whatever you want!  Maybe it's time to do something different on Thanksgiving (I liked the idea of volunteering).  Maybe you invite some people over to your house or maybe you make yourself your all-time favorite meal and relax.

Flip it all upside down and do something new just for you.  Think about what you are "Thankful" for on Thanksgiving and maybe pay it forward in some way.

Hang in there,

Panda39

[jhkbuzz]

I've read your posts for a long time, Beach Babe, and my heart always goes out to you; you seem to be a sweet sensitive soul.

This is what I think: you have low self worth, and you attract people into your life that treat you as though you have little worth. How they treat you jives with how you feel about yourself.

[Beach_Babe]

Skip:  I think most of them probably apply to me.  . Something I am working on in therapy.  I have difficulty discerning when I am being "paranoid" or when my gut is trying to tell me something. If I am honest with myself, I knew my ex was beyond repair. But it was a dysfunction that was familiar and comfortable.  The therapist is trying Wellbutrin with Zanax.  

eeks:  Thank you for that thoughtful reply!  I gravitate towards people who remind me of my parents. My ex was my mother personified. Scary  huh?

Reclaiming:  Those are great suggestions. I am curious, however, how does a life coach differ from a therapist?  

Panda39:  Thank you so much for the moral support.  I don't intend to  demonize others; most people are good at heart, including this person.  Perhaps I am just expecting something unrealistic. Thanksgiving is a family time, and I am not family. No one owes me a seat at the table. Maybe there is another place I could go? How do I discrern when people are geniune (and just being polite) though?    

jhkbuzz:  Thank you. TBut how does one build a sense of self worth being so sensitive to rejection?  I am incredibly sensitive, growing up I was always the kid that cried easily. . I wish I wasn't though.

[Beach_Babe]

If this is any indication how my ex felt while disposing of me, there is no hope.

[Beach_Babe]

A final update: I called my friend to apologize. He said I deserve none back  and I should be "very afraid" to contact him again. See? People only want me around as a last resort. When life gets better then I am deemed a nuisance and stalker.  Maybe I really am a monster. I deserved what my ex did, people should run. I really am a sick and horrible person.

[enlighten me]

Im sorry Beach

You need to stop blaming yourself. Was there anything in the interaction that deserved that kind of response?

A threat like that saying you should be afraid to contact them isn't normal.

Have you done anything to deserve that?

[Beach_Babe]

i really don't know anymore.I didnt mean to push the issue, just explain why I felt so hurt (and apologize for the overreaction).  I hurt someone again. My friend said I was sick and needed help. Maybe He is right? He wants no further contact, I must respect that. I am not a stalker though I swear. If anything tho I am avoidant. I am afraid to even call people without permission.

[Panda39]

i really don't know anymore.I didnt mean to push the issue, just explain why I felt so hurt (and apologize for the overreaction).  I hurt someone again. My friend said I was sick and needed help. Maybe He is right? He wants no further contact, I must respect that. I am not a stalker though I swear. If anything tho I am avoidant. I am afraid to even call people without permission.

A final update: I called my friend to apologize. He said I deserve none back  and I should be "very afraid" to contact him again. See? People only want me around as a last resort. When life gets better then I am deemed a nuisance and stalker.  Maybe I really am a monster. I deserved what my ex did, people should run. I really am a sick and horrible person.

I don't see that you did anything wrong here (maybe some jading)and I don't think a "friend" would speak to you the way this person did.  Friendship includes mutual respect and this person didn't demonstrate any in the way he spoke to you.  Have you considered that this person might not be a friend to you?  That this person is not treating you the way you deserve.  That this person might be playing hurtful games with you... .the invite... .the un-invite.  Have you thought about why you would put up with this kind of behavior from a "friend". 

You like me are a sensitive person how about being sensitive about how you are being treated by others not just how you treat them?  Was this "friend" following the Golden Rule? Would you have treated him the way he treated you? I doubt it.

Something for Beach-Babe to work on... .Loving herself 

Panda39

[Skip]

My friend said I was sick and needed help. Maybe He is right? He wants no further contact, I must respect that. I am not a stalker though I swear. If anything tho I am avoidant. I am afraid to even call people without permission.

Beach... .a lot of time when you report these things, there us some editorializing of what was said.  This is not a criticism, I think this is how you "feel" it. This may be part of the problem.

The story regarding Thanksgiving feels to me like significant parts are left out. We need to see those parts - you need to see those parts to make sense of it all.

The reaction you are reporting - being called delusional or sick and needing help or dangerous are really strong language if they were used. This is not likely related to a simple holiday invite misunderstanding. But if there is more to the story or if this is paraphrasing that you are using to see these events, you are hurting yourself by not seeing it in perspective.

You say many of the Burn's twisted thinking methods are being used by you - thats a wake-up call. Those are all signs of depression.  The drugs you have been described are for depression and anxiety. Have you taken the depression test? It is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772  This is  great place to benchmark your recovery.

When we are depressed, we distort.  This is an important time to report things here so members can help undistorted them for you.

You commented earlier that you had a house guest that was overstaying their welcome. Is that the story or is it a much more complex matter. It will help to just lay it out - get help with the perspective.

This is a private board, btw.  

[mimi99]

I'm so sorry that your relationships have been so painful for you. It sounds to me like the damage that your parents inflicted upon you in childhood has taken it's toll on your self-image and personal well-being. You did not deserve to be treated badly as a child, but children often take on the burden of the hurtful things that are said by BPD/npd parents. This can carry over into adult relationships, where we pick someone who treats us in a way that is familiar, and therefore "comfortable" (of course, not actually, but it's what we know)

What I have learned here and in 12 step recovery is to look at what part I play in the things that happen to me. Certainly people treat us badly, or let us down--that is not our fault. But we can look at why we surround ourselves with people that treat us in this way, and if we perhaps have unrealistic expectations of others that can lead to hurt and resentment.

I don't know where you live, but in most areas there are community holiday celebrations and many opportunities to serve homeless, elderly, or homebound individuals. You may find being of service to your community or becoming active in a church to be very rewarding. PS--if you do not have a personal faith the Quaker or Unitarian Universalist churches may appeal to you. They do not have strict dogma about beliefs and can be very welcoming and service oriented.

I also have suffered from depression and experienced that hopeless feeling that comes with it. The right medication prescribed and monitored by a licensed therapist made quite a difference for me.

Best of luck on your journey of self-discovery. You deserve happiness, and I have faith that you will find it.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Beach_Babe,  I apologize in advance if I have this wrong,  but I seem to recall you mentioning once that your ex meant so much to you because you don't have a lot of friends because you are on the Autism Spectrum,  albeit on the high functioning Aspberger's end.    Am I remembering that correctly?  

If so,  it may be true for you,  like a lot of folks on spectrum,  that social skills and "reading"  or "intuiting" what others are overtly or covertly communicating to you are genuinely and legitimately difficult.   If this is true for you,  you are not alone.   It is not because something is wrong with you.   Just different.   Like your personal "operating instructions," if you will,  are different than those of the general public.  Sort of like you speak a slightly different language.   Which means that communication and interpretation is more difficult.   But it is not so obviously "foreign"  enough that you and everybody else knows it.   Instead,  you and everybody else expect you to be like everyone else when,  in fact, your language is qualitatively different.   NOT WRONG.   JUST DIFFERENT.   Though the world might try to make you "wrong" it doesn't mean that you are.  

As such,  it might be helpful to see what is available for improving social skills.   A quick Google search brought this up tho it references kids on the spectrum (https://iancommunity.org/cs/what_do_we_know/social_skills_interventions).    I imagine there is something much needed and similar for adults.   If not,  maybe you create by bringing together the experts in the field!

For so much of my life,  I thought "I can't do that,  I am no good at that."  like painting or relationships or whatever.   What I know now was I simply didn't know HOW.   I could have painted but I needed to learn how.   Doesn't mean I would have been an award-winning artist.   But my assumption that I couldn't was wrong.   There was nothing wrong with me other than seriously faulty assumptions.  

So then we  are left with LEARNING how.   Will we take the time?   Make the effort?   I may never commit to painting but it is nice to know I CAN  learn these things I thought I couldn't .  

Now that I've said all that,  maybe I am remembering incorrectly.   If so, my apologies again.   But even if you aren't on the spectrum maybe you'd still enjoy learning about social skills.   Lord knows there is a ton of interest and material on emotional intelligence.

We're with you,  BB!

PS  if you are on the spectrum  AND you had BPD/NPD parents,  just imagine how much your operating instructions might have been impacted.

 

[Beach_Babe]

Skip: You are correct Im editoralizing some here though. My ex called me a stalker, delusional and sick. My ex threatened the police on me. Because of this if another person  agrees I should be afraid to contact them (actual words) I will absolutely respect that. This situation was my fault and I caused it to happen due to my unreasonable reaction. I did not handle the rejection with grace. I should have said "ok no problem" and walked away. I should have done that with my ex as well. Not burst into tears. Yeah, I get it and thats the point of my post trying to accept responsibility and be a better me. I am trying. I recognize maybe I drove my ex away too. In any case whats done is done, the only way is forward. But please know I learned at least one lesson: never run after people. I simply lack the skills to work things out. Running serves me well. I have given up on contact with my ex as well. I know that was my fault too.

[Beach_Babe]

I admit because I lack social skills when things like this happen I simply block people. Not to be mean, but to stop myself from contacting. The block is for me, so I can respect their wishes. Then there is upset at me I did that. I don't understand this. If someone says "do not contact me" or thretens the police don't they want you to remove yourself?

[Skip]

Beach'

We're 51 posts in and I have to be honest, I don't understand what happened enough to be too helpful.

We have to learn to tell the story to ourselves and others i clear terms so that we can then deal with it.  It we record it in emotional terms, its a quagmire.

Only one series of events happened.  But you are emotionally jumping from victim to persecutor and back again.

I think it would help to step away from yourself, and just report this whole event like a third party would - no emotion, no triggers.  Then you will see it.  We will see it.  Everyone can then help you pinpoint what happened and how to avoid it going forward.

[Beach_Babe]

I felt triggered because of what had happened with my ex previously. So I overreacted and did did not handle the situation appropiately.

[Skip]

All of your descriptions are descriptions of feelings.  

Try a fact description.

Three weeks ago, a single guy who I work said I might want join his family for Thanksgiving.

Two weeks later he asked me to go to lunch and I said no.

Three days ago, I called him and... .

My last ask... .I don't want to force this.  

[Beach_Babe]

The houseguest was a family friend with a developmental disability. Her mother died and her sister kicked her to the street.The girl was homeless essentially. She stayed with me almost a year but I finally had to put her in a group home (and pay thousands out of my pocket to do it) because I could no longer handle the behaviors. It created immense stress dealing with a 45 year old (who was essentially 12 mentally). Imagine that bratty teenage definant phase (but permanently). I feel guilty for doing it but it took such a strain on me physically and mentally. I tried out of the goodness of my but the girl was not family. I think this has something to do with why my ex and also this friend permanently left.  They said they could not handle hearing me go on about it. I didnt mean to the stress was just so severe and my life activities so restricted And I had no other outlet.  It is my fault I just didnt have the heart to follow their advice and throw this person on the street. Whenever I tried to take her back to her sister, a day or two later the girl was dumped back on my doorstep. At least now I know she can get the care she needs in a group home and I still visit her often. The damage with my friend and the ex however is done. I should not have overshared, I accept that. But god  I miss my ex sometimes. He was the one person that stuck around and cared for me despite my quirks. What if I never find that again? I am alone. Its so hard to make friends. Honestly that last person was the only soul I even had to pick up the phone and call. I blew it.

On a brighter note I am going to see if I can volunteer somewhere for Thanksgiving. At least I won't feel sorry for myself. Thank you everyone for your replies. God bless all of you, it means so much.

[eeks]

Hi again Beach_Babe.  I can understand the lonely feelings, we all want to feel connected to others and that they desire our companionship.  And I'm also glad you've decided to volunteer for Thanksgiving, you will be able to be around people as well as the positive feeling that comes from a sense that your efforts/work are contributing to others.

You have said you currently see a therapist.  What type of therapy does he or she practice, do you know?  Do you tell him or her about these experiences that you've had, and if so, is his or her response helpful?

[Beach_Babe]

My therapist is supportive but I think at a loss helping me sometimes. So much of this stems from having personality disordered parents. This is not her area of expertise. She recommended codependent anonymous though. Ill try a meeting next week and see what happens.

[eeks]

My therapist is supportive but I think at a loss helping me sometimes. So much of this stems from having personality disordered parents. This is not her area of expertise. She recommended codependent anonymous though. Ill try a meeting next week and see what happens.

Many of our members have found support through 12-step groups, and I hope you do as well.  Have you talked to your therapist about a referral to someone with expertise in clients whose parents have personality disorders?

Have you looked at the book reviews?  Many of the books are about personality disordered parents.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

None of these books are a substitute for skilled therapy, but if you read and come to a greater understanding of the dynamics of your family, it could be something that you use along with therapy.   

[Beach_Babe]

Those are good suggestions, eeks. I am also trying a few meet up groups, and maybe a yoga or cooking class (i am a an awful cook!). I guess the goal is to stay busy, and try to meet new people. I know it takes time to make (normal) friends.  What has been helpful for you?