Ex ENGAGED within two months of breakup

[Hopeful83]

hey hopeful83 

i understand how this stings  . it feels surreal, and we can find ourselves going through jealousy, or self blame, questioning the sanity, etc. its devastating.

to tell you the truth, engagement around two to three months is quite common, right or wrong. is it fast? sure. my parents, before they met, exchanged letters for a year. upon meeting they were engaged in two weeks. theyve been happily married over thirty years.

granted, neither of them were fresh out of a long term relationship. at that point its not just "fast", it might be highly impulsive and it is ill advised. you asked "Is getting engaged so quickly after a breakup a common thing among those with BP? And why? Surely anyone would know that it's ill-advised and kind of immature to do that?". an impulsive person does not consider the consequences of their impulsive actions. a person with BPD is desperate to feel whole - a relationship is the solution. marriage, engagement, those seem like the escape from abandonment. your particular ex may feel its entirely normal.

unfortunately, this attitude is not unique to BPD. just look at the threads about dating another person to get over the ex with BPD. in high school i didnt deal well with breakups, and finding someone new seemed like the solution. it worked a few times, in the sense that i got over an ex, but this is a very shaky foundation upon which to build a relationship.

there is really no way to know how this relationship will play out. the fact is it has no bearing on your relationship or you as a person  .

Hey Onceremoved 

I know flash engagements aren't exactly the weirdest thing in the world; my brother met his now wife via the internet. They talked non-stop for about a year on Skype, then he flew to her country and they got married. Even that, in my eyes, is impulsive, but neither of them had just come out of a relationship, plus they got to know each other first albeit online. And they've been together for three years now and seem really happy.

This is just so painful, though, no matter how much I try to act like I don't care. We had a whole life planned together; how can he just shift gears in the matter of weeks and decide he wants to marry someone else instead? It's now been four months since the split and I'm only just starting to get used to life without him. I couldn't do a thing for two months, I was that devastated. Yet him? He's engaged and grinning with his new fiancee in his FB profile picture like I never existed!

How can these people live with themselves? And how can they not be ashamed of themselves? If somehow I managed to meet someone so quickly after him, I wouldn't be plastering it all over social media like my ex never existed. I'd a) respect him enough to keep it under wraps for a few months and b) be embarrassed about what my friends and family might think of me.

We were casually dating. We were living together. We'd met each other's families and been to each other's respective home countries. We talked about our wedding, we were planning on buying a house and starting a business. The whole world knew about how happy we were. And yet within two months of us splitting, he's got a whole new life planned out.

And not just that! He's posting cheesy quotations from The Notebook under the photos, acting like she's the great love of his life. I mean, where's the respect for me? And if she was this great love, why wasn't he frigging with her in the first place!

Sorry for the rant. I'm feeling incredibly low about this right now.

[once removed]

i understand, hopeful83  . i was virtually non functional for three months. i got better, then i experienced thoughts of suicidal ideation around five months. i dont say that to scare you, just to let you know that you are not alone; also that there is relief and these thoughts will pass, i promise.

i think my parents were a little fast too . it worked for them, i wouldnt recommend it to anyone else and it hasnt worked for anyone else ive known.

i understand trying not to care. i was ashamed of my own pain. i recommend accepting that you care. there is nothing wrong with that in itself, and it is completely understandable. the more we stigmatize our own pain, i think the harder on ourselves we can be (which compounds the pain). ever heard the example where someone tells you dont think of an elephant, and you obviously cant not think of an elephant? the more we accept our feelings, the easier it can be to confront them. its healthy to focus on our feelings. as you say, you had a life planned together. you may feel robbed of your dreams  . you had quite a history. none of this has been easy.

i believed my ex was the one for me and though i was quite hesitant to propose, i believed id marry her. she hasnt married, but she was in a relationship within a week or two and had been lining it up two months before wed broken up. i realized with some evidence there had probably been multiple instances of cheating. knowing what i knew at the time, it blew my mind. this all takes time to process and heal from. try not to put limits on your timeline, too. process, recover, and heal, at your pace.

rant away hopeful83, thats what we are here for, and we are listening. it helps to talk 

[Hopeful83]

i understand, hopeful83  . i was virtually non functional for three months. i got better, then i experienced thoughts of suicidal ideation around five months. i dont say that to scare you, just to let you know that you are not alone; also that there is relief and these thoughts will pass, i promise.

i think my parents were a little fast too . it worked for them, i wouldnt recommend it to anyone else and it hasnt worked for anyone else ive known.

i understand trying not to care. i was ashamed of my own pain. i recommend accepting that you care. there is nothing wrong with that in itself, and it is completely understandable. the more we stigmatize our own pain, i think the harder on ourselves we can be (which compounds the pain). ever heard the example where someone tells you dont think of an elephant, and you obviously cant not think of an elephant? the more we accept our feelings, the easier it can be to confront them. its healthy to focus on our feelings. as you say, you had a life planned together. you may feel robbed of your dreams  . you had quite a history. none of this has been easy.

i believed my ex was the one for me and though i was quite hesitant to propose, i believed id marry her. she hasnt married, but she was in a relationship within a week or two and had been lining it up two months before wed broken up. i realized with some evidence there had probably been multiple instances of cheating. knowing what i knew at the time, it blew my mind. this all takes time to process and heal from. try not to put limits on your timeline, too. process, recover, and heal, at your pace.

rant away hopeful83, thats what we are here for, and we are listening. it helps to talk  

Jeez re the cheating. All this has also made me wonder if he cheated on me at any point. No major red flags seem to come up for me with regards to that, though.

I'm leaning into the pain as much as I can, and I'm not suppressing it. I want to deal with this in a healthy manner, finally work through my codependency issues and get 'well.' I want a family, I want children. I want to meet someone as emotionally healthy as me. I don't want to ever go through like something as horrific as this ever again.

I'd rather stay alone if this isn't an option.

Thanks for replying 

[JohnLove]

Take it easy on yourself Hopeful83, I feel you have recieved some pretty good advice in this thread but I feel your pain, disappointment, disgust, and suffering at the hands of what has occurred. This is normal.

If they are both suffering severe BPD traits and this sounds highly likely to me then you will see fireworks... .and I don't mean the good kind like is being projected on social media. They call it FakeBook for good reason. You need to process everything and in your own time. I feel with what you have revealed and many of your comments that this "relationship" will go bad, and it's only a matter of time.

You ask the good questions like if she is the love of his life why weren't they together already?... .the callousness and shallow behaviour that he has shown you were not just red flags but a major warning. I know you feel it is unfair and that's probably because it is. If he was serious about all those life and relationship goals that you have shared with us then how can he simply turn his back on all of it?... .honestly Hopeful83 it smacks of manipulation and deceit. Because you were genuine it doesn't make you stupid or gullible. It makes you decent. If you think of the pain you are in now, then can you imagine the suffering he will endure once he has risked everything for this and he loses you both?

When his "new" relationship does go south and based on the circumstances with the demise of your relationship with this pwBPD, then it is highly likely you are going to be subject to a recycle with this man... .and with whatever you decide when that time comes I want you to make the right decision for yourself and that may require 2 things. 1. For a significant amount of healing to take place within yourself and 2. For you to be prepared for it.

When I broke up with my uBPDex of 20 years and Mother of my 3 children, I wasn't ready or willing for a relationship for a very long time. It was 5 years before I found myself a partner in another long term relationship. I still didn't think I was ready. She did.

You can guess what happened next. 

[Hopeful83]

Take it easy on yourself Hopeful83, I feel you have recieved some pretty good advice in this thread but I feel your pain, disappointment, disgust, and suffering at the hands of what has occurred. This is normal.

If they are both suffering severe BPD traits and this sounds highly likely to me then you will see fireworks... .and I don't mean the good kind like is being projected on social media. They call it FakeBook for good reason. You need to process everything and in your own time. I feel with what you have revealed and many of your comments that this "relationship" will go bad, and it's only a matter of time.

You ask the good questions like if she is the love of his life why weren't they together already?... .the callousness and shallow behaviour that he has shown you were not just red flags but a major warning. I know you feel it is unfair and that's probably because it is. If he was serious about all those life and relationship goals that you have shared with us then how can he simply turn his back on all of it?... .honestly Hopeful83 it smacks of manipulation and deceit. Because you were genuine it doesn't make you stupid or gullible. It makes you decent. If you think of the pain you are in now, then can you imagine the suffering he will endure once he has risked everything for this and he loses you both?

When his "new" relationship does go south and based on the circumstances with the demise of your relationship with this pwBPD, then it is highly likely you are going to be subject to a recycle with this man... .and with whatever you decide when that time comes I want you to make the right decision for yourself and that may require 2 things. 1. For a significant amount of healing to take place within yourself and 2. For you to be prepared for it.

When I broke up with my uBPDex of 20 years and Mother of my 3 children, I wasn't ready or willing for a relationship for a very long time. It was 5 years before I found myself a partner in another long term relationship. I still didn't think I was ready. She did.

You can guess what happened next. 

:-)

To be honest, I'm not too worried about him resurfacing. Well, not for a long time anyway. In his culture divorce isn't really the done thing. Even an engagement getting called off is a big deal for them. So I guess she'll just have to grin and bear the rages for the rest of her life.

Sadly I'll probably never learn of the demise of this relationship.

That being said, his rages were getting worse with time, so I hate to imagine what will happen over the years.

And yet he had the cheek to tell me that he raged because of the frustration he felt in the relationship! Sure, it's totally normal to hit your own head repeatedly over a minor disagreement. 

[hopealways]

I understand how you feel.  I have posted recently about my xBPDh setting a date for his wedding with the replacement.  He openly flaunted their relationship within a couple of weeks of splitting up and was living with her shortly after that.  This was despite him telling me the day before he left that he would live alone if we broke up because he would never want another woman.

Like you, I am totally amazed and still cannot believe he did this.  I am angry, sad and in a strange sort of way, just a little pleased that he is going to marry the replacement.  At last, she will get what she deserves and he will be stuck with her when he paints her black, which I have no doubt will happen soon after the wedding.  Getting a divorce from her won't be easy, due to her religious background and customs.  I expect she will stick to him like glue, whatever crap he throws at her.

I know it's hard to think this way, but you really should be pleased that you didn't marry him.  You have been saved from even more heartache than you had already.  I wish I had escaped sooner.

Jeez that's horrendous   Sorry that you had to go though that. I know how hurtful it is; we're the ones left nursing our wounds while they're moving on and rubbing it in our faces.

"At last she will get what she deserves" This is how I feel about the other woman, too, because if he's to be believed, she got in touch and told him that she'd always loved him while we were still together. No, she did not always love him - if you love someone, you let them go, you don't make a play for them when they're in a happy relationship. She was desperate to get married and thought she'd try her luck. Well, I'm sure she's not seen his uncontrollable rages yet - maybe he'll save those for after they get married.  

IN BOLD: well, they're not technically moving on. Moving on in the true sense of the word is when you are healed and decide to move forward for the right reasons. They are emotional predators choosing their new victim. This will end too like all the others. That's just the nature of the BPD relationship.

[Herodias]

I feel the same... .I was with mine for 8 years... .We are not even divorced, nor is the new gf. They have been dating since April, talking maybe since March when she left her husband for him... .I believe she is now PREGNANT and I am sure they will get married as soon as they are both divorced. I am sickened by the immaturity and the poor child that will have two very immature parents with no money. With the jobs they have, there is no way for them to pay for day care, so she will have to work less if at all. She does't even know he's in debt and about all his lies. The fact that she knows he is an alcoholic should be a red flag enough! She even has a friend that is a therapist - you would think she would have talked sense into her. I believe she may be BPD as well at this point. People at work think she's crazy. It's so sickening. His poor family will have to deal with this and I am glad I will not be connected much longer. So disappointing.

[Hopeful83]

I understand how you feel.  I have posted recently about my xBPDh setting a date for his wedding with the replacement.  He openly flaunted their relationship within a couple of weeks of splitting up and was living with her shortly after that.  This was despite him telling me the day before he left that he would live alone if we broke up because he would never want another woman.

Like you, I am totally amazed and still cannot believe he did this.  I am angry, sad and in a strange sort of way, just a little pleased that he is going to marry the replacement.  At last, she will get what she deserves and he will be stuck with her when he paints her black, which I have no doubt will happen soon after the wedding.  Getting a divorce from her won't be easy, due to her religious background and customs.  I expect she will stick to him like glue, whatever crap he throws at her.

I know it's hard to think this way, but you really should be pleased that you didn't marry him.  You have been saved from even more heartache than you had already.  I wish I had escaped sooner.

Jeez that's horrendous   Sorry that you had to go though that. I know how hurtful it is; we're the ones left nursing our wounds while they're moving on and rubbing it in our faces.

"At last she will get what she deserves" This is how I feel about the other woman, too, because if he's to be believed, she got in touch and told him that she'd always loved him while we were still together. No, she did not always love him - if you love someone, you let them go, you don't make a play for them when they're in a happy relationship. She was desperate to get married and thought she'd try her luck. Well, I'm sure she's not seen his uncontrollable rages yet - maybe he'll save those for after they get married.  

IN BOLD: well, they're not technically moving on. Moving on in the true sense of the word is when you are healed and decide to move forward for the right reasons. They are emotional predators choosing their new victim. This will end too like all the others. That's just the nature of the BPD relationship.

Yeah, and he actually did me a favour by getting engaged so quickly. It really helped me to move forward because I realised I could come to a few conclusions - he's clearly not well, and I would have never been able to have a healthy relationship with him until he assumes responsibility for his actions, which clearly he has no intention of doing in the near future.