Does it get worse with a baby?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD fiance is expecting in just six weeks and I am seriously worried.

The past week has been non-stop conflict with several episodes of major dysregulation. The word of the week is "inconsiderate." It doesn't really seem to matter what I do - that is what I am labeled as. If there was an inconsiderate Olympics I would win a gold medal.

The latest explosion happened this morning. She has been waiting for an important document in the mail all week. I have dutifully checked the mail box every day but it hadn't arrived. Today she finds out it was actually delivered by Fedex several days ago and was being held at the front desk in our building. I get notifications when there are packages but I didn't see this one in my email as I've had a very busy week at work. Whatever. These things happen, you say. It provoked a major rage. I am the most inconsiderate person she has ever encountered. I don't care about her and the baby. I treat her like a second class citizen. Oh, and for good measure, I'm leaving you with the baby and I'm not sure I want you to be involved in his life.

What the heck?

Now she has apologized by text message (while telling me again how inconsiderate I was) and I am expected to go home and pretend like nothing happened again.

To those with children, did it get better or worse after they were born? Were the children subjected to the same kind of emotional abuse?

[globalnomad]

My BPD fiance is expecting in just six weeks and I am seriously worried.

The past week has been non-stop conflict with several episodes of major dysregulation. The word of the week is "inconsiderate." It doesn't really seem to matter what I do - that is what I am labeled as. If there was an inconsiderate Olympics I would win a gold medal.

The latest explosion happened this morning. She has been waiting for an important document in the mail all week. I have dutifully checked the mail box every day but it hadn't arrived. Today she finds out it was actually delivered by Fedex several days ago and was being held at the front desk in our building. I get notifications when there are packages but I didn't see this one in my email as I've had a very busy week at work. Whatever. These things happen, you say. It provoked a major rage. I am the most inconsiderate person she has ever encountered. I don't care about her and the baby. I treat her like a second class citizen. Oh, and for good measure, I'm leaving you with the baby and I'm not sure I want you to be involved in his life.

What the heck?

Now she has apologized by text message (while telling me again how inconsiderate I was) and I am expected to go home and pretend like nothing happened again.

To those with children, did it get better or worse after they were born? Were the children subjected to the same kind of emotional abuse?

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[captnnemo]

For me no... sorry. My ex had two children from a previous relationship which i took on as my own and put up with her cheating and lying and disrespecting me, fighting, etc. etc. i could leave and it didn't affect me too badly and she always called begging i came back and explained or justified her actions. When she got pregnant i was doubtful it was mine and withdrew to protect myself cowardly maybe but could't bear the thought of being made a fool out of on a ridiculous level. The baby was mine and was over the moon and tried to be a supporting decent boyfriend and dad hopelessly making a fool out of myself. I love the kids and she knows this and knows i am there unconditionally. But she has used it to her advantage and now excuses her behaviour cause i wasn't there enough when she was pregnant. she was talking to other men while pregnant and turned it up about a month after baby was born. She thinks i deserve it and if i say a word about her behaviour she throws me out and i don't see kids until she wants something again. Its torturous and soul destroying. I have left her now and don't know if i'll see kids or if i have strength to keep being the demon she makes me out to be. No remorse, no respect and no understanding. So sad just hope the kids are ok and she puts them first. If its not improving i doubt it will

[mimi99]

My experience is with my BPD daughter who had a baby at 19 while living with us. When the baby was little, the hormones produced by breastfeeding helped a lot. Oxytocin is known as "the mothering hormone" and produces a feeling of calm when it is released during nursing, and helped promote a strong bond at first. Unfortunately, she also was frequently overwhelmed and when she got upset, she would threaten to put the baby up for adoption or scream that "You'll never see your grandchild again". As seems typical for many BPDs she would have periods of intense interest in doing the mothering things like cooking healthy meals, going to the park to play, reading to her, etc. These things would taper off as she got bored (?) or found other things to distract her.

As our granddaughter got a bit older and demonstrated more of her own will things got worse. It seems fairly common that once a child has their own opinions and ideas, that BPDs have more difficulty. Our granddaughter was subjected to frequent harsh words for doing typical little kid things, for example when she would spill something it was "You've ruined your shirt (or the table, or dinner)" When getting ready for daycare in the morning she always said "Hurry up, I'm going to lose my job because of you" Bedtime involved cursing and threats to abandon her if she didn't go to sleep. We intervened a lot, but that often made things worse because we would yell at each other as well as her yelling at the child.

When things were bad we documented every behavior. The original intent was to show her the "evidence" so that she would recognize the need for help, but she wasn't receptive to that and it eventually became evidence in our case for custody.  My fervent wish is for my daughter to be well enough to care for her child, but until she gets the help she needs that will not be possible. I have no doubt that she loves her very much, but her mothering and coping capacity is limited by the BPD. The fact that there are multiple posts on here about healing from a BPD parent speaks volumes.

It isn't my intent to be so negative, and I am sure there are people on here who can share their success stories. I am just sharing my own experience. Best of luck to you.

[teapay]

We have five kids and my wife seemed to get worse with each one.  We did relatively okay with the first two, but she started having significant problems after our third child was born.  She has said even after the first child she started having difficulty.  Raising children is stressful, tiring and requires alot of individual sacrifice and all that can really stir up the BPD pot.  The stress has got to go somewhere and it was usually targeted at me.  If not onto me, it seems like that stress has to go somewhere such as various kinds of impulsivity, self harm, phantom-like illnesses or depression, which still can take a toll on the relationship.  Thankfully, it doesn't go on the kids much.  Her relationship with the kids is pretty good.  The bigger problem is her modeling bad behavior and poor habits.  I do the best I can to correct and instill good discpline.  In the end, despite my efforts, I think the kids will have to entangle lot on their own once they become adults.

[globalnomad]

Thanks all. It's a bit of a sobering message. I am hopeful for the best, but fully prepared things may get worse. I suspect she is not going to deal with the stress of parenting very well -- and that I will be the target of that. We will see.

[Mutt]

We have five kids and my wife seemed to get worse with each one.  We did relatively okay with the first two, but she started having significant problems after our third child was born.  She has said even after the first child she started having difficulty.

Hi globalnomad,



I have 3 kids with my ex, she has 5 kids with 3 different dads. I can relate with teapay, a pwBPD often have an underlying clinical depression, and my ex was often depressed and rarely went to the MD to treat her depression. Each child she suffered from PPD ( post partum depression ) and her depression was worse with each child and she didn't get treatment for it. It was very difficult for both to cope with after the arrival of our third child.

[walbsy7]

 For me, things got worse. Parenting is very stressful, and my wife does not deal with stress well at all. It gives her another thing to complain about. She takes this out on me as you can imagine. She keeps saying now that she  is so happy she has her self-esteem back and has a son who loves her. I have a one-year-old.  I am always the worst father ever now in her eyes. She loves him so much but it's just another avenue of stress. I get calls all the time now at work saying to come home because she can't handle things.  It is hard, but at the same time your son or daughter will be an amazing avenue for you to give love when your wife does not want it