The fantasy of someone (anyone) coming back for me

[cyclistIII]

I have abandonment issues. I think this is the primary reason I felt such a connection with my xbwuBPD this summer, and with my xHwuBPD fifteen years ago.

I don't want to be with my recent ex, but I'm realizing that one of the obstacles to me letting go is this fantasy I have always had about someone "coming back" for me. Doubtless it stems from childhood; my father moved away for a job opportunity when I was five. It took me years to acknowledge how much that broke me; after all, he stayed in contact, he made it clear he still loved me, he called me every week, etc, but a five-year-old just can't process that kind of loss or understand the reasons behind it; all I knew was that one of the two most important people in my world had left me.

It's almost like there's some secret part of me that believes if someone abandons and then "comes back" for me, that broken part from my childhood will be healed -- that narrative somehow feels more powerful than the healthier one in which someone just loves me and stays and doesn't abandon me in the first place. It doesn't help of course that the majority of Hollywood relationship arcs necessarily involve someone leaving and then regretting it and coming back (which is, after all, a much more interesting story, dramatically speaking) so I've been brainwashed with that image as the secret to happily-ever-after over and over again... .

Anyway, when my recent ex left me, I had a feeling (or deluded, hopeful belief?) that he'd be back, and that was before I knew anything about BPD. Now I know that "coming back" is in fact a common behavior... .and I hate how seductive and powerful I find that idea.

Maybe I'll be lucky and he won't even contact me again, but if he does, I think it's gonna be really important for me to process this fantasy and what's behind it because otherwise I'm going to be way too vulnerable to being swept off my feet... .

Sigh. Anyone else have this issue?

[eeks]

Hi cyclistIII, welcome to the Personal Inventory board!  

That's a really interesting insight you've had here, about someone "coming back for you", making the connection between that and your experience of your father leaving (which I agree would have a big impact on a child too young to process or understand).

I had a brief relationship with a uBPD last year, and similar to you, I don't want to be with him.  For me, it wasn't about wanting someone to come back for me, but once I was devalued, to convince him I really was a good person, and we were good for each other, and to do what I needed to do to "bring the nice guy back"... .

My father was critical and angry when I was young, and unpredictable not in the sense that many people describe a parent ("when he came home I never knew which version of him I was going to get", no, it was more like he was "normal" a lot of the time but when he did react, it was sudden and very loud.  So it's entirely possible that in wanting uBPD ex to be kind to me again, I was trying to "bring nice dad back".

It's almost like there's some secret part of me that believes if someone abandons and then "comes back" for me, that broken part from my childhood will be healed -- that narrative somehow feels more powerful than the healthier one in which someone just loves me and stays and doesn't abandon me in the first place.

This is interesting... .have you pinpointed exactly why this fantasy "hits the spot" for you emotionally?  I know, you explained about your dad, what I mean is... .what would you feel if someone who'd abandoned you "came back"?  What would you believe about yourself if this happened?

Understanding the emotional details of why someone "coming back" seems like it would be so satisfying, may help you be less vulnerable to being "swept off your feet" as you put it.

[cyclistIII]

Hmm, that's a good question, eeks. It's almost as if some part of me believes that it would reverse the initial wound, that if someone "came back" for me then it would be as if my father never left and then all of the irrational panics and related triggers and insecurities that I've struggled with my entire life would magically be erased. It's not rational or realistic at all.

I'm 90% sure I wouldn't get back together with my ex at this point, but on my weaker days, I do sometimes worry... .

[eeks]

Hmm, that's a good question, eeks. It's almost as if some part of me believes that it would reverse the initial wound, that if someone "came back" for me then it would be as if my father never left and then all of the irrational panics and related triggers and insecurities that I've struggled with my entire life would magically be erased. It's not rational or realistic at all.

It may not be rational or realistic, but it seems to be what we're compelled to do, find someone similar to the person who hurt us and try to "give the story a happy ending this time".

I could write more about different views on what a person can do about that predicament, but first I'll ask you, what have you done so far to try to cope with and process these emotions related to your father leaving?  Are you seeing a therapist?