A simple message of hope

[Hopeful83]

Four months ago, my life as I knew it came crashing down around me. The man I had been with for three years and whom I was going to marry did a U-turn in thinking that no one could have predicted (well, now that I know about BPD perhaps I could have but I digress... .). Friends and family were baffled, and I was left trying to make sense of a riddle that has no answer, while my dreams lay in pieces before me.

Over the last four months, I've had some of the lowest days of my life. At the start I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I fell down the stairs and almost broke my arm. I didn't work for three months. I felt myself tumbling down a black hole, and with each passing day I felt depression start to claw its way into me.

Luckily, despite how awful I felt, the survivor in me was still alive. Somehow, during the first days of the breakup, I managed to book myself a flight to Greece to attend a writing retreat a month later. I still don't know how I booked it through the tears, self doubt and sleepless nights, but I did, and it turned out to be a life saver. I vividly remember telling my ex as I ended things with him that "I'll be absolutely fine. And some day I'll meet someone who recognises my worth and who will never, ever hurt me this way." I didn't 'feel' it while I said it, but I clearly believed it somewhere deep down, and I wasn't going to let him break me.

As the day of departure for Greece approached, I was sinking lower and lower. The initial adrenaline of being heartbroken and seeking answers (I was known to sit on Skype with friends or my mum until 5am, trying to make sense of nonsense) had dissipated, and all I was left with was hopelessness. Every morning when I woke up my first thought was "ugh, not another day." I couldn't motivate myself to do a thing, nor to eat anything more than half a bagel a day. I'd stay in bed, some rubbish sitcom playing in the background, while I stared at the ceiling. When I think back to those days I shudder - it was awful.

I didn't even want to go on the retreat, but I had paid a lot of money. So I reluctantly packed my bag and off I went. The two weeks I had in Greece were magical; the other attendees were wonderful people who reminded me that there are good individuals out there. They helped me through some really dark times. While in Greece, I learned that my ex was now engaged (yes, he waited a full two months). And that didn't break me, either.

It's now been a month and a half since I came back from Greece, and until about a week or so ago the bad days still outnumbered the good. However something switched at some point without me realising it had and the 'sting' has lost its power. I'm working again and opportunities are starting to come my way. The other day I worked from 8am until 9pm and it felt fantastic. I'm laughing and making jokes, talking to people without thinking about my ex and what happened, and sleeping better. In short, I'm starting to feel like myself.

And, most importantly, I'm starting to get excited about the future. Every so often it hits me that I'm now free to do whatever I please - to rebuild my life exactly the way I want it to be - and it makes me smile.

The reason I'm writing all this is because I'm hoping that it will help any of you who are in those initial stages of grief and disbelief. I remember those days vividly, and I didn't believe I'd ever feel better. Up until two weeks ago I still wondered when I'd start to truly look forward and not feel that horrible intense anxiety that I've felt ever since we ended.

All I can say is, don't give up. I didn't. Even though I didn't feel like doing most the things that I've done over the last few months - meditating, reading self-help books, going on the retreat, starting work again etc - I forced myself to do them with the motto of 'fake it until I make it.' And I'm starting to feel that the 'faking' is becoming less and less.

I'm under no illusion that the bad days are behind me. I still have moments of pain, horrible self doubt, and deep sadness. I have days when I just want to sit reading this board and watching rubbish TV. I have moments when I want to find him, punch him in the face, and walk off. But I have learnt to 'sit' with them without judgement, and they pass.

The advice I have? Carry on reading this board - learning about BPD helped me make a lot of sense of the bizarre things that happened to me. I don't have the full answers, and I probably never will, but one thing I do know for sure is my ex isn't emotionally healthy, and I need to find someone who is - as soon as I too become emotionally healthy.

Also, don't beat yourself up for being at the stage of grief that you're in. I think I started to feel better once I stopped applying judgment to myself. I kept asking myself "why do I STILL feel bad?" when I in fact had to just feel the way I did in order to heal.

Read things that will enrich your life and make you understand your situation better. Meditate. Go on a trip if you can, even if it's just for the weekend. Surround yourself with good people. Lean into your pain. See a therapist. Dedicate your time to YOU and your healing. Take a look at those deep wounds that have been uncovered by your breakup.

The thing that kept me going throughout all this was the thought of "I deserve better than this." And we all do - we deserve to be treated with respect, and most of us on this board have not.

It's a long road, but trust me, it does get better. And I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

[myself]

Love this post, thank you. Glad you're moving on with life.   

[Beacher]

Thank you!

[JQ]

Hopeful, 

You are an amazing person ... .strong ... .confident ... .you don't give up even at your lowest ... .you picked yourself back up ... .dusted yourself off ... .and took the first step forward down that new path!    

Words of encouragement to others as a sign that things will get better ... .they always get better ... .thank you for sharing yourself with us !   You never ... .NEVER  gave up! 

Thank you 

J

[hollycat]

Thank you for the wonderful words of hope. I am beginning to feel more hopeful too.

[Darsha500]

Yes, thank you so much. I really needed this right now. Today has been rough - one of those days when your just walking down the street and the tears hit. That hasn't happened to me in some time.

[Hopeful83]

Thank you everyone :-) It's not been easy, but it's getting much better. I'm finally starting to see what everyone told me I would see at the beginning - that he's not worth it. That I had a lucky escape. He's shown his true colours and despite the good times we spent together, I'll never be able to forget the fact he's hurt me in a way that was not justified. When someone shows you disrespect, they're really not worth your time.

Another thing I wanted to add that made the world of difference to me is this: STOP ALL CONTACT. I went NC from day one and it helped A LOT. The other thing I should have done way earlier than I did was to a) stop talking with friends who were more his friends than mine and b) ask my own friends and family to not tell me anything they may see on social media. Or not to update me on any news they may have heard. Every time I'd hear something it would set me back. Saying that, though, finding out he was engaged within two months was a good thing - it made me realise that he was very ill and this was never going to work regardless.

[Fr4nz]

Thank you everyone :-) It's not been easy, but it's getting much better. I'm finally starting to see what everyone told me I would see at the beginning - that he's not worth it. That I had a lucky escape. He's shown his true colours and despite the good times we spent together, I'll never be able to forget the fact he's hurt me in a way that was not justified. When someone shows you disrespect, they're really not worth your time.

Another thing I wanted to add that made the world of difference to me is this: STOP ALL CONTACT. I went NC from day one and it helped A LOT. The other thing I should have done way earlier than I did was to a) stop talking with friends who were more his friends than mine and b) ask my own friends and family to not tell me anything they may see on social media. Or not to update me on any news they may have heard. Every time I'd hear something it would set me back. Saying that, though, finding out he was engaged within two months was a good thing - it made me realise that he was very ill and this was never going to work regardless.

Hopeful, just out of curiosity: after NC started, did he try to have some kind of contact - even indirect - with you?

[Hopeful83]

Thank you everyone :-) It's not been easy, but it's getting much better. I'm finally starting to see what everyone told me I would see at the beginning - that he's not worth it. That I had a lucky escape. He's shown his true colours and despite the good times we spent together, I'll never be able to forget the fact he's hurt me in a way that was not justified. When someone shows you disrespect, they're really not worth your time.

Another thing I wanted to add that made the world of difference to me is this: STOP ALL CONTACT. I went NC from day one and it helped A LOT. The other thing I should have done way earlier than I did was to a) stop talking with friends who were more his friends than mine and b) ask my own friends and family to not tell me anything they may see on social media. Or not to update me on any news they may have heard. Every time I'd hear something it would set me back. Saying that, though, finding out he was engaged within two months was a good thing - it made me realise that he was very ill and this was never going to work regardless.

Hopeful, just out of curiosity: after NC started, did he try to have some kind of contact - even indirect - with you?

Yes, he did try and I ignored him - three times no less. He then tried other ways, like getting his new fiancee to like my Facebook page (I have one for my business) - I'm SURE he told her to do it in order to get a reaction out of me. Either that or she's also twisted. She also emailed me to 'apologise' and I'm convinced he told her to do that, too. I don't even know her!

I didn't rise to any of his little games. I'm now convinced all the photos that he's plastering all over FB and Instagram are for my benefit. With nice little captions on how in love they are. They're welcome to each other

Oh and my mum received a mysterious request from him to like his new FB page. Bizarre seeing as they're not even friends on Facebook anymore.

Maybe I'm reading into all of this, but it's too weird to be ignored I guess - wouldn't you all agree?

But I didn't respond to any of it. He's not worthy of me quite frankly.

[Herodias]

Sounds like you are getting there slowly- good for you! Funny about the weird contact attempts- I feel like mine could do some of that too. I think if your gut tells you it's true than maybe it is- heck, they live that way- why can't we do it somtimes, I got a call from a bill collector that said they only have my number! It's his bill- I wonder if he told them they had the wrong number and to call me ( to remind me of him)! Kinda weird but I could see it. His mother told me he put a tiny little picture of his face in her thimble once- that's creepy! No telling what he will ask his new partner to do... , glad you are staying strong.

[MyEyesrOpen]

Thank you for the hope, Hopeful !

[kyon147]

This is really hopeful

With being 4 days NC and only broken up 2 weeks ago this gives me hope that I will get better. I am off to Japan in 4 weeks and lets hope I also get the same from my trip that you did yours!

Good luck with everything.

[Hopeful83]

This is really hopeful

With being 4 days NC and only broken up 2 weeks ago this gives me hope that I will get better. I am off to Japan in 4 weeks and lets hope I also get the same from my trip that you did yours!

Good luck with everything.

Wow - early days. You will get better, Kyon. Trust me, it gets easier. I never thought I'd start to feel 'normal' again, but you do.

Japan is a DREAM trip for me. Have a fantastic time - I'm sure it will help immensely.

Good luck to you, too

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Thank you for the hope, Hopeful !

You're welcome :-)