Sister with BPD

[ief]

Hi everyone,

my sister (24) has BPD. She is been a victim, manipulative and abusive her whole life against me and my parents. I was the bad guy in her perception.

So she always projected me as the bad guy towards my parents. It was hard because back then I didn't know what was going on. I just tried to defend myself

but I was always guilty like I did something wrong while she was just setting up a scene to seem like I did something bad to her.

All of this was ___ed up but then the following thing happened: At a certain moment (when I was 20) my father told me that I just had to shut up because I was the smart one of me and my sister. He said this as if I were the problem and the solution for my sister's behaviour. He used me to solve her problem. That changed me completely. I turned into a numb guy without a sense of adventure, fun, joy etc. By swallowing my feelings I got a depression. I went to a therapist and asked him what  I should do with this situation.

By visiting the therapist I figured out that my sister had BPD.

My parents still don't know that she has BPD. I told them but they didn't want to believe it.

Up until now she is still abusive and manipulative against me and my parents. I'm happy that I live apart with my girlfriend but

I don't know what to do anymore with this situation.

The ___ed up thing is: my parents are in denial of her abuse and keep telling me: 'just try to get along with your sister'. As if I were doing something wrong that could solve

the problem.

I am out of the depression, but I am still emotionally numb and I don't know what to do with this family. I would love to take control of my life again.

Should I try to convince my parents, should I confront my sister with her manipulative behaviour, should I kick her out of my life. I know if I take responsibility by being assertive she will freak out and I will get feelings of guilt again from her and my parents. I really hate getting those feelings!

Someone advice on this?

Thank you very much!

[Panda39]

Hi ief,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry that your parents made you feel that you were responsible for your sister's behaviors it isn't fair to do that.  We are all responsible for our own behaviors.  You can't fix your sister only she can do that and your parents sound in denial and enabling. I'm glad you reached out to a therapist, that was a good move on your part 

So here you are seeing your family for what it is and wanting to help. The thing is you can only help those that ask for help, you can't control other people... .we can only control our own actions.  Then the question becomes what can you do for you to make this situation better for you?

One good tool we have is boundaries.  How about developing some boundaries around some of your sisters behaviors?  For example if she rages or she becomes verbally abusive you leave or if a phone conversation hang up the phone?

Below is a link to more information on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

One other thing I wanted to touch on is the guilt you are feeling.  People with BPD often use what we around here call "FOG" (Fear Obligation and Guilt) to get what they want.  It sounds like you might have some of that going on too. Below is a link to more information on FOG... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I'm really glad you've found us and encourage you to keep posting.  I know you will receive support, encouragement and tools to help you with your sister and family.

Take Care,

Panda39

[WayOfTheDragon]

Hi, I can't really give advice, but I can kind of relate. My sister is undiagnosed but I strongly believe she has BPD. I chose to go NC a few years ago because I couldn't handle the emotional and verbal abuse. My mom tends to hang it over my head that I am not involved with my sister or her children. It is hard to not give in to the guilt trips, but I feel like I have to protect myself, even though I feel guilty (and am constantly trying not to feel that way). I haven't told my mother all about my sister's behavior toward me, mainly out of fear that she will use the information to try to guilt trip me more, or she will tell my sister everything I say (my dad, when he was alive, was also verbally/emotionally abusive --though I don't think he had BPD-- and I once told my mother about it, thinking that the conversation would be kept between her and I-- the next day I got a call from my dad, wanting to discuss it with me, so she obviously told him something I said). At this point, I'm just in a self-protection mode and avoid dealing with relatives unless I have to, but I guess there's no "right" way to handle these things.

[Charlie3236]

Hi ief and welcome!

I have the same thing, a BP sister who is angry and manipulative. I've chosen to go LC (only see her at family events when I have to), and honestly my life has gotten a lot easier! It's really sad bc I do love her and I definitely have a lot of guilt about shutting her out emotionally, but at this point it's about protecting myself and my family from her rage.

Our BP mother committed suicide when I was 12 and sis was 7, so we only have our dad who is in total denial that sis has the same problem (well, maybe not TOTAL denial... .I think he recognizes that SOMETHING is wrong). I'm in constant fear that she will end up like my mother, but I've really had to let go of the responsibility for that too.

Sis is in charge of her own life and behaviors, and has made it clear that she doesn't want any help from me. All she wants is to see my son... .without me. Ummmm, no... .sorry but there is no way I'd leave my son alone with someone so emotionally unstable!

You will find the balance that works for you, and like someone else said you can't make anyone get help or even acknowledge that there's a problem. I wish we could!

Good luck & God bless!