Taking care of elderly BPD parent with a sinking feeling and cloud over life

[livinginoz]

Hi, I have read the posts many times and thought the site wasn't active for some reason.  I went back tonight for more insight and would like to share and ask for advice.

Been taking care of BPD parent for 20+ years but only last year physically after illness.  They need daily help and I am doing my best.  I know how to reach out for help physically and I have seen counseling but now they are very frail and likely not much time left.  I really don't know how to manage the manipulation and feel very lonely even though I have friends.  I finally am accepting this isn't the parent I wanted or needed.  I feel so guilty for seeing them for who they are and it is a difficult difficult person.  I feel guilty for living and their failing health.  My health has taken a dramatic downturn.  I don't feel like getting out of bed daily but do.  I don't have motivation for life anymore and I feel they are stealing my chi my life force.  Kryptonite is a good description for their effect on people in their past and myself.  Everything was backwards as a child for me.  I learned not to be a problem and take care of my own needs and as a 10 year old that isn't easy and children often don't make good choices but I learned young not to upset them and just take care of myself.  I didn't want to ramble on.  I am feeling pretty sad they are fading away and there is no comfort in taking care of them.  I do my best but am so sad I have little hope.  I am not sure what I want or need in writing here but if anyone can relate to this please share.  We have done counseling for years with no value and they are not in condition to have it now.  I was lucky to have a caregiver for a while who was ok but the relative created drama and the situation became too difficult and the caregiver left.  I am afraid to bring new people in as they want drama where ever they can make it and some people just don't understand that. OK I don't want to go on.  Please share.  Thank you--

[HappyChappy]

So sorry to hear your difficult situation. From what you say, sounds like you need to focus on yourself right now. Sometimes you need to help yourself before you can help others. You mentioned “We’ve been to counselling” have you ever tried Therapy just for yourself ? From what you say you sound like consciously you’re aware of the manipulation but subconsciously it still has a hold on you. For example, you say you feel guilty for seeing them as they are. You shouldn't. I found looking at my BPD as an 8 year old child helped me, as it’s easier to forgive an 8 year old and emotionally that’s where they are. Also don’t feel lonely, get moral support and validation from this website. Everything you say sounds familiar to me, and I would imagine most people with parents of BPD. So make some connections on this website. Also sounds like you have depression and your Dr will have loads of stuff for that. When depression is mild, we sometimes ignore it when a simple cheap prescription can lift it. If your parents wind up the help, what about a helper that doesn’t speak English, or at least can pretend they don’t speak English ?  Look after yourself look forward to hearing more from you. 

[livinginoz]

I appreciate your input.  For anyone else who knows the place I am coming from here is a little history.  I have hope someone else has gone through this and can help me understand this end stage better with a BPD.  The typical grief stages and counseling don't really address this specific situation.

The relative has had a lifetime of counseling and multiple relationships none successful and all drama through out their life.  My best years were likely when they weren't around.

*I am currently on antidepressant to deal with it- have changed types -the depression is likely more situational than biological.  No happy pill invented yet unfortunately.

*I have been in counseling through out my adult life and done extensive reading on the subject.  Reading, understanding and taking personal action are very different stages of healing.

*The joint counseling we did was mainly my taking them to get help and be honest about what wasn't working.  When dealing with a BPD I have only now learned that NOTHING important to anyone else means anything to them unless they get something out of it.

*Very hard to tell psychopathology from the cluster personality disorders and likely a little of both. 

*medication will not help them.

*The biggest barrier is making my life first without feeling guilty or depressed- I know better but the emotional baggage is like a sack of cement

.

*They are able to suck the life out of any one and I believe have even effected pets around-very serious.

*I feel the only thing that can help will be to put them in a nursing home but the guilt of that is too much to deal with as they are totally in need of help and they were in a nursing home before that broke a bone, and led to infection that nearly killed them.  Since I have taken them in they have outlived the time by the Dr's thought they would live due to health complications.  But now naturally they are fading and I can't leave them in the end at a nursing home I simply won't it is too cruel.   I am saying the sadness of the loss of what I will never know is overwhelming.  This is a virtual stranger.  They know how to play me and everyone.  I want to think they love me and would still do anything for me but there is a sinking feeling that I really don't know them and I never will.  Seeing a loved one ill is hard enough and I fully understand the stages of grief.  When the person has BPD and other personality disorder issues the stages of grief don't begin to cover the emotions.  OK hope that makes more sense and I don't know if anyone has personally gone through this. 

[livinginoz]

BTW excellent suggestion for finding non-English speaking helper but they speak Spanish as well as English and it has been hard to find people who actually take good care of them who don't get caught up in their manipulation.  One helper before quitting did tell me the ups and downs of personality and behavior was too much for them and they didn't know how I was able to do it.  I saw this person after 6 hours of helping leave exhausted emotionally not physically.  That is what I am feeling the physical help is not a problem the emotional needs are huge.  No matter who comes to visit they often leave confused or tired.  They toy with people like a child pulling legs off of a spider.

[Carmen]

You are not alone, take heart, it does get a bit better once you are strong enough to define your boundaries! I posted yesterday regarding my weakness in this area. It's hard when your parent is 89, & as you say, we have an ideal in our head of how parents should be loved and cared for, but it's so one sided, & they want to retain control to the nth degree, & what's more we trip over ourselves & our long suffering family & friends to please them!

My husband has just advised me to state that I will take mum out Weds & have her fortnightly for Sunday lunch but have other commitments the rest of the time. Otherwise the guilt & foggy thinking arrives & I end up back on the daily visits, listening to hateful talk of the one other caregiver she has, & her wanting to go out for lunch & of course the wine!

I know we have to stop enabling our BPD relative, but I was born a 'pleaser' & its instilled!

I am the last person to give advice on this subject but just know you are not alone and this group is great for reaching out and sharing with those that understand what you are dealing with. I wish there was a magic answer for all of us, but it seems to be a lifelong learning process in developing our 'Self'. We have learned our needs aren't important, theirs are. Something has to change & its not going to be them!

I did manage to get my mother into full time aged care once, but she discharged herself after one year & the manager told me she would not have her back as she was so antisocial, nasty to others, she had to sit at a dining table on her own! Now she lives alone, & complains she is lonely but doesn't want any outside service to come in nor go into care. But won't even leave her unit without me as she is afraid she will fall. No it's not easy at all! Hang on in there!

[Notwendy]

You are not alone. I am also in a similar situation with an elderly widowed mom with BPD, however, I decided that I can not take care of her and keep my sanity. The result of this choice is that I have lived with some guilt and disappointment, but I felt it became a choice to feel this or be involved in a situation I am not able to handle.

My choice evolved when my father was ill, and I tried to help. I didn't know much about BPD and the relationship dynamics at the time. I was very much enmeshed, co-dependent, and a rescuer. What I didn't realize that by jumping in to help, I became part of the drama triangle with them. I simply couldn't take it- I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I also have children and felt that this was on the line: I could take care of my parents, or my kids, but not both.

Being co-dependent, it would have felt selfish to choose myself, but choosing the kids seemed acceptable. I chose them. Families are interesting because when one person steps out of the family drama, the others can react angrily, try to draw the person back in. This happened. I didn't know how to manage BPD as well then as I do now, but it may not have made a difference.

Having gone through co-dependency 12 steps and attending groups, I have come to accept that it is OK to choose my sanity, and do the best I can for her without jeopardizing that. I have to accept that and live with that choice, even if it does make me sad to not be able to have the kind of relationship with my parents I wish I had.

Like you, I felt the alienation, the lack of a relationship, I wondered if I had been invisible to them the whole time. My father's death was very difficult. I considered him to be the only parent I really had. I grieved for him, and I grieve for all the wishes I had for our relationship and for wishing I could have been a better daughter- what I thought a daughter should be.

I did not go NC with my parents. This isn't something I could do, but I could not help them. One reason was that they wanted to keep control, and so would not allow me to make decisions, help with finances, or help them seek an assisted living situation.

My mother has help but it is not an ideal situation. Still, it is her choice, and she makes her own choices.

However, we have had to disconnect emotionally from the situation and accept that she is in control of her situation. I also had to accept that the consequences of my choices- how much to help and how much not to, were choices between two difficult consequences, not one good one and one bad one.

[livinginoz]

I appreciate your sharing.  It sounds like your mother has more ability than my relative.  I simply can't leave them in a home right now the last stage will be hospice in home. 

I should have walked away a decade ago but didn't.  People aren't angry in this situation they just don't care.  A very remote detached family mainly because of their lifetime of drama and encouraging infighting with all parties.

It is sad.  I simply have made a choice to take care of them and will see it through.  I am not being a martyr right now this is a sad situation with a person who has really nasty traits who has always expected everyone to do for them.  Part of my problem is I do regret not walking away years ago and continuing the co-dependent behavior.  I know better, I am able to say No now but to walk away from a human in a desperate situation is something I won't do.  It isn't a matter of putting the oxygen mask on myself first-  this is a problem with the energy this person gives off and the constant drama and problems they seek to cause no matter how small they look to ruin anything they can much like an angry child will for attention.  They acknowledge they do it and apologize over and over.  It is the same sick cycle for their lifetime.  Be it small or large there has to be drama no matter how ill or weak they are.  It is actually amazing to see how insidious this cluster of disorders is because it hangs on to the little life someone has left with a vengeance. 

Many would say every day it is a choice how we behave and react but to see an elderly personality disorder person act and react the same way they have for a lifetime it makes me wonder how much is biological.

The 12 step programs such as al anon can be a codependent tool as well that can replace healthy autonomy.  That again is my sadness I have been there and done it all.  I simply can't abandon a human in such a condition. 

The question is if my health goes down do I do it then?  I would have to and often wonder if they have that as a goal?  That is so sad to say but there has been such negative outcomes over a lifetime of people and animals around this person it is something I acknowledge.  Simply caregiving is a difficult task that is why I reached out here because this is caregiving plus the mental issues that are not normal to elderly diagnosis or treatment.  Thank you again--

[Notwendy]

Whatever decision we make, I think it comes down to accepting that we made that choice, and owning it. Feeling like we have no choice is what makes us feel disempowered. Even though you have made the decision to not leave your relative in the care of others ,there are still choices. It doesn't have to be a one or the other choice. If a caregiver can not do 6 hours at a time, then possibly 3 hours? Can to caregivers split a shift? I think we have to be careful not to think in absolutes about the situation, if at all possible.

Even in the situation, what can we do to take care of ourselves? Even caregivers of parents who do not have disorders are in danger of caregiver burnout. You are correct that BPD compounds that. While you may think that taking care of your relative is the ethical thing to do, it is also unethical to risk your own health to do so. I do not know what religious tradition you follow, or if you do, but if you believe at all that the Creator of the universe gave you a life, and a body in which to live that life- that this Creator intended that your life and health deserved to be protected and cared for as much as your relatives'. Even the idea of charity- to give to the poor is not supposed to be done to the point where the giver is impoverished and can not sustain themselves. Parents are told to take care of themselves, because they need to be strong and healthy to take care of children. Isn't the same for taking care of a relative?

Like you, I want to do the best I can for my mother, but I know that I can not do it all the time, and I need to take time for self care. I don't know what options you have, but even a couple of hours- to take a walk, sleep, read a book, nurture your soul- if at all possible. Someone suggested therapy- for depression makes us not see our options as easily. Somewhere, there has to be a nurse, or aid, or home health worker who can give you a break, even a short one.

I understand that this situation can leave us feeling as if we have two bad choices, the one you have now- and the one to get some help to give yourself some reprieve from the situation. Neither is ideal, but still, there is a choice, and possibly one in between ( short term caretakers). Still, I think it is important to recognize that we make the choice.