Grieving as she spins out of control

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How do you detach and let go of all your hopes for your relationship when your ex is clearly spinning out of control due to mental illness? How do you accept that, even though you know they have a treatable illness, you can't make them see that and they'll probably just live their whole life like this?

I've done breakups before where we just weren't compatible or there were external reasons it didn't work, but this is different. I feel so cheated, like my love is under there and she's been taken over by this terrible illness that's making her act truly crazy. After being burned by so many promises to get treatment and get better, I know I have to accept that it's not going to happen, but I still feel more like she died than like we broke up. Like she was just taken away from me. The person I love is just gone.

And I know some people here believe that the person I love never existed--everything the pwBPD ever said or did was disordered and unhealthy, the seemingly good times were her mirroring me--but I can't accept that right now. I remember times that were real. Lots of creepy painted-white times, and I remember seeing her change like a chameleon to please others, but I also remember moments of real connection with a good person who I would have wanted to spend my whole life with. So if it's true that it was only real for me, and she was just mirroring and otherwise playing out BPD drama, then maybe I need to learn to accept that too.

[thisagain]

How do you detach and let go of all your hopes for your relationship when your ex is clearly spinning out of control due to mental illness? How do you accept that, even though you know they have a treatable illness, you can't make them see that and they'll probably just live their whole life like this?

I've done breakups before where we just weren't compatible or there were external reasons it didn't work, but this is different. I feel so cheated, like my love is under there and she's been taken over by this terrible illness that's making her act truly crazy. After being burned by so many promises to get treatment and get better, I know I have to accept that it's not going to happen, but I still feel more like she died than like we broke up. Like she was just taken away from me. The person I love is just gone.

And I know some people here believe that the person I love never existed--everything the pwBPD ever said or did was disordered and unhealthy, the seemingly good times were her mirroring me--but I can't accept that right now. I remember times that were real. Lots of creepy painted-white times, and I remember seeing her change like a chameleon to please others, but I also remember moments of real connection with a good person who I would have wanted to spend my whole life with. So if it's true that it was only real for me, and she was just mirroring and otherwise playing out BPD drama, then maybe I need to learn to accept that too.

[thisagain]

I finally ended the relationship with my ex last week. Went NC in the old terminology, not sure about the new. We were moving toward more of a therapeutic separation for a few weeks, but then she went full-on dysregulated again. Really impulsive, sabotaging our relationship by getting too close to someone else (the now-replacement), lying to me about it, having more paranoid delusions about her health. And trying to use the delusions to manipulate me into staying and being there for her despite the betrayal with the now-replacement.

I find it hard to wrap my mind around just how unstable and mentally ill she is. A few days after telling me about how she loves me so much and will do anything for me, she's on Facebook posting this bizarre manic love poetry about the replacement (I removed her from my FB now as part of the NC). The manic poetry is too bizarre to begin describing, including some of the same things she said about me when we first met. And the instability isn't just about me--she's told me that she has her (perfectly normal and very sweet) grandmother making funeral plans for her, because the ex is so convinced she has a fatal health condition.

Like many times before, she was presented with a clear choice to pick getting better or staying the way she is. She seems to have chosen doubling down on the way she is and spiraling downward, further out of control. I'm angry at her for choosing that path.

But mostly I pity her, and I'm angry at some external force that I feel stole my partner from me. I think that, along with the trauma bonding and other aftereffects of emotional abuse, is what makes this breakup so much harder than others.

[valet]

Hey thisagain, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand how much it hurts. I've been there too. When my pwBPD left me it was like you describe. It still is sometimes, but as I grow and learn about myself and her, it becomes easier.

You are right in saying that the loss is more significant than it seems like it should be. Those feelings are hard to manage. If you are here, then you probably have a general idea of the forces that dictate the attachment/detachment processes. This is good. It is almost always easier to approach things from a place of understanding.

She is who she is. We can help explain the behavior in most cases, but accepting it is often a different story. That is difficult to do, especially when it is generally our primary instinct to offer help to those that we love. Keep reading the Lessons here, and keep posting. Write how you feel in a journal when you are anxious, angry, sad, etc. When we learn to process our emotions in ways that aren't harmful to our bodies, the healing process moves more rapidly. Check out getting into the therapy yourself if it suits your fancy.

We're here and listening! 

[Freeatlast_1]

The same thing happened to me. Just a few days before the breakup we were out of town and she was the best gf anyone can have, so patient, unconditionally loving and sweet. I love this women with all my heart and soul. Never loved anyone like this, and I HATE this feeling. A week later she snaps into a different zone, the monster zone, not sure what the trigger was because it's usually something stupid... .I don't even remember it. Now we are NC for 4 weeks and it's the worst feeling I am sick in the stomach all the time. I work a lot and love my job, I work out, have a supportive family and hobbies. I am not a hermit nor will ever be, but this is making me feel so isolated. I don't want to be with family or friends, I seem to want to stay alone. Why am I punishing myself? Is this normal? I want to support her through therapy, and with all the love I got for her, maybe there is hope... .but Im NC and will not contact her. What a sickening feeling... .I feel stuck when I'm actually free.

[Mr Hollande]

Like many times before, she was presented with a clear choice to pick getting better or staying the way she is. She seems to have chosen doubling down on the way she is and spiraling downward, further out of control. I'm angry at her for choosing that path.

That's how I felt straight after mine blew up for the last time. I told her that during a brief phone conversation a couple of months later. It felt like she chose illness, addiction and chaos instead of getting better. It also felt like she gave up on me, us and ultimately herself which was disappointing beyond words.

18 months later I'm less sure about her ability to make healthy choices.

[thisagain]

Like many times before, she was presented with a clear choice to pick getting better or staying the way she is. She seems to have chosen doubling down on the way she is and spiraling downward, further out of control. I'm angry at her for choosing that path.

That's how I felt straight after mine blew up for the last time. I told her that during a brief phone conversation a couple of months later. It felt like she chose illness, addiction and chaos instead of getting better. It also felt like she gave up on me, us and ultimately herself which was disappointing beyond words.

18 months later I'm less sure about her ability to make healthy choices.

That's a good point, I'm sure the disorder is keeping her from making the healthy choice. It's still disappointing and hard to accept.

She claims she's starting a real DBT program, but who knows if it'll stick. I figure if she ever really recovers, she'll contact me with a lot of apologies and insight. But I'm not holding my breath.

[CharWood]

Your situation sounds like an exact replica of mine!

[thisagain]

Probably! It's really eerie how predictable the disorder is, once you get to know their patterns. A few times I've actually thought someone here was writing about my ex, and only noticed toward the end of a post that the age or gender was different.

[CharWood]

Your story doesn't match up with my but moreso your first post- how you explained things. Same feeling with me and my ex. BPD is not so much predictable as far as what exactly they will do but the symptoms themselves are predictable. we never know how it will all play out due to the impulsivity of the BPD.

[SummerStorm]

Probably! It's really eerie how predictable the disorder is, once you get to know their patterns. A few times I've actually thought someone here was writing about my ex, and only noticed toward the end of a post that the age or gender was different.

Same here, .  I have checked a member's profile more than once, to see if his or her location was the same as mine, because the person described sounded so much like my pwBPD.

[Climbmountains91]

I feel your frustration, i want to help my EXBPDBF so badly but he pushes me away, making up paranoid stuff in his head i've said or done, smearing me to everyone that will hear so they form an opinion on me etc...

but i so badly want to help him still, his so stuck in his ways though. His had a CPN for four years now, he goes to groups that he just mucks about in and therapy well he goes to this group on a Wednesday, a BPD one i think, it changes every week ! He knows he has a problem. He drinks every night, his flats a state, he doesn't provide or see our daughter (because i'm getting the money for her so why should he provide), gaming 24/7 like a 16 year old, not a 25 year old guy who has responsibility. Won't get a job and will do anything to stay on the dole, his even said this to me, its sickening. Excessive spending on drink, partying and things he doesn't really need then moans that he has money issues and he used to be so good with money, he taught me the ways. He sees it all as ok to live like this its how he survives but he has so much potential i see in him, he could be anything he wanted to be and he wastes it, it frustrates me, especially for our lil girl, this is her dad. He's replaying what he's dad did to him, rejection, he's rejecting his lil girl. and yeah i could go on, sorry ranting now. I'd even swap my therapy place for him as mines quite intense as i think he needs it most.


He says ''i have mental health problems but i can't help it''

BUT, YES YOU CAN! LOL!

But at the moment i'm coming to terms with accepting he can only help himself and i need to work on my own issues, make myself as happy as i can for me and our lil girl. He won't let me help him, but what can i do!