Staying with the family is an eye-opener. I need out.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Four months ago I came out of a three-year relationship with someone who I strongly suspect had BPD. As I was supposed to be moving countries with this man, I've found myself without a home, so I'm staying with my family at the moment until I sort myself out. My mum, step dad, and my half sisters all live in this house. My brother and wife live next door.

Being back at home as a 30-something has been eye-opening to say the least. I've realised for the first time in more than a decade that I should have been examining my relationship with my mum just as much as I analysed my relationship with my dad in the past. Now that I know about BPD I strongly suspect my mum has it, or at the very least, strong traits of it.

My parents got divorced when I was a child. The breakup was messy, and my grandma used to tell me things like "if your dad loved you he would be here."

We moved countries and my mum became unbearable to live with. As I was the eldest, she clung to me for emotional support and would tell me all her problems, neglecting the fact I was just a nine-year-old child. Over the years it got worse. She would rage pretty much everyday and I bore the brunt of her anger. I have three brothers, too, but they only got a fraction of the abuse that I did. I was also hit on a regular basis, sworn at, called names etc. These were daily occurrences. Once, she tried to commit suicide and I had to deal with the aftermath and look after my brothers etc. She'd make love to her partner loudly knowing that I was awake and in the vicinity.

By the time I was 16 it was unbearable. I knuckled down and worked hard in order to get great grades and leave for university. Luckily, I managed to do just that and I left home, but whenever I'd return for the weekend it would be the same story. The abuse, the rage, the shouting, the blaming, the name calling.

On the other side, she'd also be incredibly loving, showing me affection and hugging me just hours after she'd called me every name under the sun and hitting me.

I moved abroad as soon as I was old enough to do so, and it's only then that she and I could have an okay relationship. Being back here now, though, I realise that she's just as bad as she always used to be. She doesn't abuse me like she used to, as I've set boundaries and I refuse point blank to let her talk to me that way. But she still rages and shouts on a daily basis.

My life was a rollercoaster, and it's only now that i'm realising how unbearable it was and how I've suppressed this pain for all these years. My relationship with my now ex BPD was a reenactment of these dynamic - on the one hand he was loving and everything I ever wished for, on the other he would rage and shout and show suicidal tendencies. He even hit me once. It's amazing how I've only just realised that I was reliving my relationship with my mother.

I realise I need therapy and I also realise I need to get out of this house very soon. Being here isn't helping. She's just as unstable as she always was, and it's hindering my recovery. I feel so sorry for my sisters who have to live what I had to go through. At least she's not quite as bad as she used to be.

I really needed to get this down on paper. Thanks for letting me share.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Four months ago I came out of a three-year relationship with someone who I strongly suspect had BPD. As I was supposed to be moving countries with this man, I've found myself without a home, so I'm staying with my family at the moment until I sort myself out. My mum, step dad, and my half sisters all live in this house. My brother and wife live next door.

Being back at home as a 30-something has been eye-opening to say the least. I've realised for the first time in more than a decade that I should have been examining my relationship with my mum just as much as I analysed my relationship with my dad in the past. Now that I know about BPD I strongly suspect my mum has it, or at the very least, strong traits of it.

My parents got divorced when I was a child. The breakup was messy, and my grandma used to tell me things like "if your dad loved you he would be here."

We moved countries and my mum became unbearable to live with. As I was the eldest, she clung to me for emotional support and would tell me all her problems, neglecting the fact I was just a nine-year-old child. Over the years it got worse. She would rage pretty much everyday and I bore the brunt of her anger. I have three brothers, too, but they only got a fraction of the abuse that I did. I was also hit on a regular basis, sworn at, called names etc. These were daily occurrences. Once, she tried to commit suicide and I had to deal with the aftermath and look after my brothers etc. She'd make love to her partner loudly knowing that I was awake and in the vicinity.

By the time I was 16 it was unbearable. I knuckled down and worked hard in order to get great grades and leave for university. Luckily, I managed to do just that and I left home, but whenever I'd return for the weekend it would be the same story. The abuse, the rage, the shouting, the blaming, the name calling.

On the other side, she'd also be incredibly loving, showing me affection and hugging me just hours after she'd called me every name under the sun and hitting me.

I moved abroad as soon as I was old enough to do so, and it's only then that she and I could have an okay relationship. Being back here now, though, I realise that she's just as bad as she always used to be. She doesn't abuse me like she used to, as I've set boundaries and I refuse point blank to let her talk to me that way. But she still rages and shouts on a daily basis.

My life was a rollercoaster, and it's only now that i'm realising how unbearable it was and how I've suppressed this pain for all these years. My relationship with my now ex BPD was a reenactment of these dynamic - on the one hand he was loving and everything I ever wished for, on the other he would rage and shout and show suicidal tendencies. He even hit me once. It's amazing how I've only just realised that I was reliving my relationship with my mother.

I realise I need therapy and I also realise I need to get out of this house very soon. Being here isn't helping. She's just as unstable as she always was, and it's hindering my recovery. I feel so sorry for my sisters who have to live what I had to go through. At least she's not quite as bad as she used to be.

I really needed to get this down on paper. Thanks for letting me share.

Hopeful

[Turkish]

Hello Hopeful83,

I'm glad you have asserted some more boundaries to not be abused like you were as a child. The last time my mom smacked me was a few months before I moved out. I was still 17, so I guess it wasn't battery, though if I were an adult, it would be from a legal standpoint. Though a lot older and on meds, I can't imagine having to go back, awaiting emotional dysregulation. .

It might be initially shocking or painful even, to come to the realization that we may have picked a form of our abusive parents as mates. The Board Parrot has been known to say, "all roads lead to Coping and Healing." I think there's a lot of truth there. We know what we know, and don't know what we don't know. Now you know, and it's the first step towards healing and liberation.

What's the plan, Hopeful? Is there a time line to get out? Have you taken a look at the communication tools and those on boundaries wherein you may get some helpful tips to cope in the meantime?

Turkish

[Hopeful83]

It might be initially shocking or painful even, to come to the realization that we may have picked a form of our abusive parents as mates. The Board Parrot has been known to say, "all roads lead to Coping and Healing." I think there's a lot of truth there. We know what we know, and don't know what we don't know. Now you know, and it's the first step towards healing and liberation.

What's the plan, Hopeful? Is there a time line to get out? Have you taken a look at the communication tools and those on boundaries wherein you may get some helpful tips to cope in the meantime?

Turkish

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for the response.

Yes, when the penny dropped I couldn't believe it. No wonder the relationship felt so familiar and 'comfortable' to me. I was reliving the same nightmare I had fought my whole life to get away from. They follow a similar pattern of raging at me, only to then come hours later begging for my forgiveness and telling me how much they love me.

Like you said, now that I know and I'm aware of it, there's no going back to that old way of life. I'm so determined to be rid of these demons once and for all. They've been holding me back for all these years. I'm a strong person, so I can only imagine what I can achieve if I get emotionally healthy following all this chaos and drama. I want a healthy relationship some day - that is only possible if I become healthy, too.

My plan is to leave in January, once I've saved a bit more money. I'm a freelance writer, so work comes and goes - I don't want to jump the gun too soon. My ex also owes me money that I'll never see again - if I had that cash I'd be more than okay to leave now. Oh well.

I can cope a couple more months I think.

I haven't read the resources on this board. I'll have a look now.

Thanks again. This has been helpful.

[Turkish]

January sounds like a good plan.  New life, and the one you deserve