Hello Someguywrote,
First of all, I want to welcome you to the group ... .I'm glad you found the site but I'm sorry you had to be here. You'll find that most of us if not most of us have been where you are or in some cases are still there trying to decide what direction they want to go in the relationship. You won't find anyone here that will judge you ... .but you will find a group of good people that are here to lend a hand up when you are at a low point. Come here as often as you need to ... .to vent ... .to run ideas past the group ... .to read how others have reacted to situations. I would HIGHLY encourage you to read all the references material here to the right & on the top of the page. I would encourage you to go to the local library & check out some books on BPD. "The Human Magnet Syndrome" "I hate you ... .Don't leave me" are just a couple of books.
You said, "I feel incapable of understanding how she operates this way" What you'll find in your research is that
NOTHING does make sense &
NOTHING will ever make sense when it comes to the behavior with someone who has BPD. For reasons you might not know she has the emotional behavior of a 3 year old toddler. If you've ever spent anytime with a toddler you know that they don't make sense to us ... .but in their world ... .they make all the sense in the world. The behavior is learned from early in life to an event or events to help someone with BPD survive a traumatic event in their lives.
Learn the 3's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it! This has nothing to do with you ... .what you did or didn't do, what you said or didn't say. As you will learn it's an extremely complicated behavioral illness that will take years, possibly a lifetime of therapy for her to hopefully live a semi normal life ... .IF ... .IF she choose to go to therapy and if you decided to stay in the relationship ... .you're going to need to go to a therapist to manage your feelings & emotions through the crazy train roller coaster ride.
I know it's hard what you're going through right now ... .we've all been there. You'll learn new terminology such as recycling, painted black, painted white, gas lighting, projection, raging, splitting, impulsive, and therapy like (dialectical behavior therapy) DBT. Sit back for a moment ... .take a deep breath ... .exhale slowly.
I encourage you to learn about yourself ... .why you are the way you are, act or react the way you do. Chances are you're like most of us here ... .a perfectionist, give the shirt off your back to help someone, caring ... .the knight in armor to protect others who can't protect themselves or from themselves ... .the cowboy in the white hat to save the day ... .it's called being codependent ... .codependency. The good news ... .it's not destructive to other people ... .but can cause you personal pain from caring to much ... .you never say no ... .you always say yes to who ever will ask you for help. You need to take care of yourself ... .not just for yourself ... .but for your kids too.
You said, "It's not like she's even willing to come back if I asked. But emotionally I want her back so bad" Remember the word "recycle" I mentioned earlier? Well when you least expect it ... .out of the blue ... .she will reach out with a phone call ... .or a text ... .maybe in the middle of the night or in the middle of the day. Then the roller coaster of emotion you spoke of will start again ... .you'll be up ... .then come down and it will start all over again. You also said, "I don't know how to cope with my pain." I would really encourage you to seek out a therapist to help you through this flood of emotions that are new to you ... .it's hard as anyone of us will testify too. It's not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength to reach out for help ... .that's what you did by finding us here ... .you reach out for help.
You're kinda of a young guy at 26 ... .I had my first run exBPDgf at about 23 ... .she continues to stalk me a couple decades later but that's another story ... .
You have to keep a sense of humor ... .humor is going to help you. In addition you're going to need to take care of yourself ... . not just for yourself ... .but your kids. You need to make sure you're eating right ... .stay away from the junk food that is nothing but empty calories. BE sure to get enough sleep ... .you NEED the sleep to help heal your body & mind ... .without it your body will become fatigue and your immune system will weaken. You need it for your mental health so you can be there for your kids & take care of them in addition to yourself. You need to exercise to burn off all the stress you're feeling right now ... .go to the park with your kids & burn off those Halloween candy bars Take the kids on a bike ride ... .or for a hike ... .or a long walk such as a mile ... .they'll sleep better and you'll feel better.
Come back here as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT TOO! Read those books and others, read the other things on this sight. Ask questions ... .learn it, know it ... .live it! Take care of yourself ... .take care of your kids ... .things are going to get to better Someguywrote ... .THEY ALWAYS GET BETTER!
JQ
