My current struggles

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

      I'm still having a difficult time dealing with all this. As I told you all previously I attempted to get back together with my BPDex about a month ago. We initially broke up in March due to her cheating & July through September she begged, cried and pleaded for another chance. During those months I ignored her calls, texts, emails etc, but I felt so guilty. I felt horrible because she was sad & crying. Ultimately I felt obligated to console her. I agreed to work things out at the beginning of October…she loved me & was so happy to be working on things, but not even 2 weeks later she was briefly talking to me & just being distant. Needless to say, by the middle of October we were no longer together. I have since blocked her from calling & texting me, but she did send a brief email last week that said, "I made the biggest mistake. I am so sorry." Im not sure what that meant exactly, but I didn't reply. The first time we broke up I was so devastated I could not function. I couldn't eat or sleep & spent the majority of the day crying. This time around I am still sad and heartbroken but not nearly as bad I was the first time.

      I'm really struggling with my own thought at this point. My self-esteem is shattered & I feel worthless & unloveable. I feel as though I'll be single for a long time. Another huge frustration I've been dealing with is how she is perceived by other people. Most people think she's a caring, loving girl (I believed this at one time too)& I can't help but want to pullout my hair when I hear people say how nice she was. I feel like I'm the only one who knows who she really is.  She's made me out to be the bad person in all of this. She told her family I broke up with her, but failed to mention that she was cheating on me. She said she didn't feel "they needed to know." She jumps at anyone and everyone who gives her the smallest bit of attention or compliments her. And she always has new "friends."

She considers someone she's known 10 minutes a friend, I don't. Do you think her not having any close friends should have been a red flag? When we met she had many acquaintances (which she considers friends), but they are in fact acquaintances. I've known my 2 best friends for about 15 years, but nobody has stayed in her life that long. She also doesn't have a close relationship with anyone in her family other than her grandmother. She was constantly bad mouthing her cousins & aunts. Her relationship with her mother is nearly non-existent. I am very family oriented & my mother is my queen (which me BPDex hated). Sorry for the ramble just hoping someone can help me out with some advice or previous experiences. I needed to get that off my chest.

[EJ]

      I'm still having a difficult time dealing with all this. As I told you all previously I attempted to get back together with my BPDex about a month ago. We initially broke up in March due to her cheating & July through September she begged, cried and pleaded for another chance. During those months I ignored her calls, texts, emails etc, but I felt so guilty. I felt horrible because she was sad & crying. Ultimately I felt obligated to console her. I agreed to work things out at the beginning of October…she loved me & was so happy to be working on things, but not even 2 weeks later she was briefly talking to me & just being distant. Needless to say, by the middle of October we were no longer together. I have since blocked her from calling & texting me, but she did send a brief email last week that said, "I made the biggest mistake. I am so sorry." Im not sure what that meant exactly, but I didn't reply. The first time we broke up I was so devastated I could not function. I couldn't eat or sleep & spent the majority of the day crying. This time around I am still sad and heartbroken but not nearly as bad I was the first time.

      I'm really struggling with my own thought at this point. My self-esteem is shattered & I feel worthless & unloveable. I feel as though I'll be single for a long time. Another huge frustration I've been dealing with is how she is perceived by other people. Most people think she's a caring, loving girl (I believed this at one time too)& I can't help but want to pullout my hair when I hear people say how nice she was. I feel like I'm the only one who knows who she really is.  She's made me out to be the bad person in all of this. She told her family I broke up with her, but failed to mention that she was cheating on me. She said she didn't feel "they needed to know." She jumps at anyone and everyone who gives her the smallest bit of attention or compliments her. And she always has new "friends."

She considers someone she's known 10 minutes a friend, I don't. Do you think her not having any close friends should have been a red flag? When we met she had many acquaintances (which she considers friends), but they are in fact acquaintances. I've known my 2 best friends for about 15 years, but nobody has stayed in her life that long. She also doesn't have a close relationship with anyone in her family other than her grandmother. She was constantly bad mouthing her cousins & aunts. Her relationship with her mother is nearly non-existent. I am very family oriented & my mother is my queen (which me BPDex hated). Sorry for the ramble just hoping someone can help me out with some advice or previous experiences. I needed to get that off my chest.

[C.Stein]

I'm really struggling with my own thought at this point. My self-esteem is shattered & I feel worthless & unloveable.

I feel your pain EJ.  My ex has some of the same characteristics as yours.  It has been a constant struggle dealing with my emotions after being discarded.  It was compounded today when I found out she is in a new relationship after very little time had passed since she discarded me.   This has been undoubtedly the hardest year of my life, but I have to believe it will get better and it will get better for you as well.

[Turkish]

I would consider having no close friends a  or at least questionable. My close friends I've known for 25 and 30 years. My ex had a couple of friends from childhood,.but this relationships were nothing like mine. Hers were geographically close; mine were hours away. My bonds are strong. I questioned (to myself) hers.

It's sad that she doesn't have them. It doesn't mean that she's unlovable; everyone deserves love. It may mean just that she's hard on friends. That's on her. Do you feel like you have to fill her void?

[Creativum]

      I'm still having a difficult time dealing with all this. As I told you all previously I attempted to get back together with my BPDex about a month ago. We initially broke up in March due to her cheating & July through September she begged, cried and pleaded for another chance. During those months I ignored her calls, texts, emails etc, but I felt so guilty. I felt horrible because she was sad & crying. Ultimately I felt obligated to console her. I agreed to work things out at the beginning of October…she loved me & was so happy to be working on things, but not even 2 weeks later she was briefly talking to me & just being distant. Needless to say, by the middle of October we were no longer together. I have since blocked her from calling & texting me, but she did send a brief email last week that said, "I made the biggest mistake. I am so sorry." Im not sure what that meant exactly, but I didn't reply. The first time we broke up I was so devastated I could not function. I couldn't eat or sleep & spent the majority of the day crying. This time around I am still sad and heartbroken but not nearly as bad I was the first time.

      I'm really struggling with my own thought at this point. My self-esteem is shattered & I feel worthless & unloveable. I feel as though I'll be single for a long time. Another huge frustration I've been dealing with is how she is perceived by other people. Most people think she's a caring, loving girl (I believed this at one time too)& I can't help but want to pullout my hair when I hear people say how nice she was. I feel like I'm the only one who knows who she really is.  She's made me out to be the bad person in all of this. She told her family I broke up with her, but failed to mention that she was cheating on me. She said she didn't feel "they needed to know." She jumps at anyone and everyone who gives her the smallest bit of attention or compliments her. And she always has new "friends."

She considers someone she's known 10 minutes a friend, I don't. Do you think her not having any close friends should have been a red flag? When we met she had many acquaintances (which she considers friends), but they are in fact acquaintances. I've known my 2 best friends for about 15 years, but nobody has stayed in her life that long. She also doesn't have a close relationship with anyone in her family other than her grandmother. She was constantly bad mouthing her cousins & aunts. Her relationship with her mother is nearly non-existent. I am very family oriented & my mother is my queen (which me BPDex hated). Sorry for the ramble just hoping someone can help me out with some advice or previous experiences. I needed to get that off my chest.

Oh, friend, I'm so sorry.  The casual usage of the word "friend" without the proof of actual friendship is a HUGE red flag.  But yeah, people think he's such a nice and "harmless" guy.  That he wouldn't hurt a fly.  But this guy has some major narcissistic things going on in addition to his diagnosed BPD, so he really just objectifies with the intention of sexual exploitation later on, and winds up falling on his face in the process.  He's lost SO many people from his life from being sexually inappropriate with them (including his stepbrothers and cousin!).

He's only interested in people as long as they can give him something -- rides, money, validation, sex, social/professional connections.  You're his "friend" if you have something he would like to have.  And same thing with the family relationships.  He's a momma's boy but really doesn't care much about anyone else in the family, and he's a momma's boy because momma always lets him fly back to the nest when he's failing at managing his life.  At his age he should own a car, have an apartment, a steady job, etc., but he's never had any of those things.  And he never will have those things.  Ever.  And that's a pity.  I foresee him landing on the sex offender registry if I'm perfectly honest.

My ex is a bit less dramatic about wanting to recycle, though.  He "charms" a bit, because he knows I'm not a jerk who won't respond, and then he'll say he's having trouble with something or whatever ... .I ask what the problem is, he tells me, and then goes back to very minimal responses and withholding information (silent treatment).  At the end of the day, I need to enforce my boundaries so he doesn't keep sending his feelers out to see if I'm still available.  Sigh.

[greenmonkey]

Hi EJ, I have been through exactly the same with my uBPDex gf.

It seems as if I am reading about my ex all over again. My ex was a pathological liar, she twisted life and reality to whoever it suited to her too. Her 'friends' were random lesbians added on Facebook or through dating sites. Her turnaround of 'friends' at that level was frightening. I was initially told at the beginning that her ex (the one before me) was controlling and did not let her see her friends. All of this became apparent once we lived together (only for a year) as she was secretive, pathological liar, controlling, rages, silent treatment, reckless driving (she drove into a ditch - after being exposed on a dating site) and the list goes on. Her 'friends' were either women she has slept with, wanted to sleep with or were being kept on with a little hook so she could recycle them.

Her family she never once saw or spoke to her brother once when we lived together. As for her mum she only called her as she had to do the weekly shop - anyone else in her family she never saw or spoke to. She had a young son, who she did not have custody of, outside of her visitation rights she had no interest in his life. She did not attend parents evening, had no relationship whatsoever. It was very shallow as she could not put his welfare and feelings first. It was a real eye opener from someone who brought up 2 kids alone and always put my kids before anything.

I confronted her with her lies, stupidly took her back after the guilt trip etc and finally found out that our whole relationship was a web of lies and she had been seeing a number of other women from the start. I had gained my self respect again, by this point and changed the locks, moved her stuff out once and for all. She had a set time to pick it all up by. This was a year ago.

Think about you, what is good for you and your well being. No-one has to pt up with being treated like dirt. No-one has to put up with lies and cheating. I am nearly one year strict no contact - she as tried to re-engage, she stalks me, I have enhanced security. It is still better than being in an abusive relationship. Feel free to message me if you want a chat

[Butterfly44]

Hi again EJ,

I'm sorry you're going through this inevitable experience.

I completely understand what you're going through, it happened to me on so many occasions although mine never said sorry to me or asked me to go back to her; she just sort of acted the next day as though nothing had happened and that was an easier way for her to get me back. She'd just send me something really adorable in a text or email the day after and I'd always melt and think ok, let's try again.

You need to stay away from her now. She'll just keep doing this and you're worth more than that. She's already cheated on you and things will only get worse if you keep falling for her sob stories and crying. I'm sorry to say this but you're probably one of a number of people she has around her who are at her beck and call and pwBPD do not like losing people, especially people who have the capacity to make them feel better about themselves. She needs you but needing and wanting are two different things.

I went through this cycle so many times and look where I am? I started to find out towards the end that she had been bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen and it was all for attention. You become the focus for her but for all the wrong reasons. It's all about her and filling a void and sadly it takes many "acquaintances" to do that for someone with BPD. There's never just one person involved and there is always someone else in the same position as you, hoping they're the only one and most important person in his/her life.

Mine had no real close friends and if they were "close" they were either an ex she had recycled or someone she saw as a new and exciting replacement. It seems pwBPD cannot have close friendships as they always either turn into something intimate (by accident of course!) or that friend does something they don't like and gets rapidly cut off.

I too have friends in my life I have had for 20 years, she couldn't understand this? She was convinced they were all people I had slept with or that I was using them for some reason or other?

Talk about projection!

Please, please, please let this woman go. It's not healthy to keep going back and it's not healthy to want to try with someone who has already cheated on you either. The other thing is this; if she is bad mouthing everyone else around her and that includes family, then rest assured she will be doing the same to you. Mine did this all the time and it shocked me how horrible she could be about people she supposedly thought the world of? Towards the end of my relationship, sure enough I found out she had been saying all sorts of horrible things for a long time to people around her (who she kept separate to avoid the comparing of notes!) about me. Look where I am now and how extreme things have become. Please don't carry on and end up in some awful situation that will mess you up for the rest of your life.

Just take care of you, your head and your heart. She'll destroy you if you don't.    

[Herodias]

I fully agree with Butterfly44, the best thing you can do is heal yourself now. I made the mistake of taking mine back twice... .each time it got worse and worse. He committed the ultimate sin by bringing a woman into our bed on Xmas. It's like they try harder and harder to push you away until you can no longer take what they are offering. The good times are far and few between. Mine is now trying to "speak" with me... .I am not returning the call,text or email. He has a new gf and she can deal with him. It is really difficult to let go of someone you love, but know they are incapable of loving you in the same way you love them. Take care.