Please, how do I help my remaining children to choose mentally healthy mates?

[whiplashed_mom]

I lost my son, by way of alienation through my uBPD-dil. Also, both my brothers married women with at least traits of BPD. Is there a check list or site you could direct me to that answers the question, how to avoid becoming involved with a borderline?, Or, could you put here, your own lessons learned? What are the red flags? Can it be avoided? What personalities are sought by BPD's?

I could tell there was something very wrong with her, early on, but he was already lost and unwilling to even explore the possibility. It would appear you have to be fully aware at the outset, before infatuation blinds you.

I understand that people with BPD need love, too, but, I'm not open to the idea of seeing this happen again or losing another child. I hope my other kids have learned all they need to know by witnessing this, and losing their brother, but, who knows?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi whiplashed_mom,

You might look over at the suggested reading list on the Building Healthy Relationships Board, here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56209.0 to get some info and develop talking points with your children. 

Off the top of my head I would say that it begins with being healthy, well grounded, having and defending boundaries, and a positive outlook on life in general for each of your children.  Codependents, those with low self esteem, and rescuers will tend to gravitate towards needy people who will accept them and then you have problems x2.

Bowens' Family Systems suggests that we often choose partners that are our equal in regards to emotional maturity.  The higher level of emotional maturity that we achieve the higher level of emotionally mature mate we will seek.  You might spend some time reading Bowen and his theories and see if there are any nuggets of good info.

Hope some of this info helps give you a starting point from which to begin to coach your kids on choosing life partners.  Of course the greatest teacher is watching our parents' relationship over the years.  Modeling a healthy, mature, kind, and caring marriage for our kids is powerful.

lbj

[Kate4queen]

I can so relate to your post. I have 4 kids and the three boys are all adults now and one has BPD. The other two (26 and 22) seem to attract women with serious issues.

I suspect its because both of them grew up having to cater to their middle brother and almost expect relationships to be difficult and traumatic. Luckily my oldest has now worked this out for himself and is far stronger and extracting himself from a bad relationship. He tells me now that he had to do it with his brother and now he recognizes the signs when someone is trying to define him.

So there is some hope that they will work it out.

The worst one ever was when my then 16 yr old BPD son hooked up with a 14 year old who I'm fairly certain was also BPD. It was a complete nightmare and interestingly my son came off the worst.

I think there is hope and also gently reminding my other children using techniques to validate them and sometimes refer back to situations with their brother that they are re-eneacting with a girlfriend does the trick.