Mom curveball...umm...what do I do with this?~

[formflier]

I just got a phone call from the local drycleaners.

My Mom went in to pick up a pair of pants for my dad.  I guess he had already picked him up.

She got irate... .shook her fist at the lady.  

Well... I know these people... .they are solid.  They called me to make sure someone in the family new.  She said her background is in psych nursing... .and she knew that someone needed to know.

To my knowledge me mom isn't taking any meds.  

What do I do?

I've got enough on my plate right now... .

FF

[Fian]

Is your dad capable of making a decision?  If so, then I think all that you need to know is to let him know, and he will be responsible to determine if further steps are needed.  If he is not, then I think you will need to get more information.  Probably talk to your dad to see if he has observed anything.

[Grey Kitty]

Do you need to do anything?

What you describe -- Being irritable and shaking a fist at somebody is inappropriate, but not dangerous, illegal, or anything else.

If your mom made somebody uncomfortable/nervous... .let your mom experience the natural consequences of it. Let the dry cleaners think she's a little angry/nutty.

My father-in-law got into a screaming match with a salesperson at Target over a vacuum cleaner, and I didn't see any reason to do anything (besides listen to him talking about how unreasonable the salesperson was! Apparently one party was yelling at the other one about the other one raising their voice somewhere in there... .I don't even remember which one said that... .)

Or is there more to the story?

Edit: PS, here is a new gem that I got from somebody that applies to weird emails, and other situations like this one... .

There isn't a question there, so I don't have to answer it.

[KateCat]

My first thoughts are like those of Fian.

My irascible father outlived my mother by over 35 years, so we kids were the only behavior police in town as he made his way through old age. But your two parents are still a couple.

Any idea why you, rather than your dad, got this call?

I'm sorry to hear of this and really hope your mother was just having a bad day. (Just a bit concerned that the reporting party has a background in psychiatric nursing.)

[formflier]

 

I'll call my dad and let him know.

They are the only dry cleaners in town... .and are great people.

I really appreciate them caring enough to call... .

I've been thinking about it a while... .and pretty much had come up with what you guys said... .just let dad know and observe.

Perhaps the ex psych nurse was a little too "tuned in". 

They have my number... .so it was probably handier than my Dads... .plus... ."she" might have picked up over there...

I'm an only kid... .everyone knows me around here...

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Note and observe is a good idea.

If this is part of a larger trend, that is worth more attention.

If you were to do something about it... .especially if there were more incidents... .

But hang on a second here... .why talk to your dad instead of your mom. Twist the situation around.

Imagine somebody at a store being uncomfortable about something you did... .and telling your D20 about it... .how would you feel if D20 went to your wife about it instead of you directly?

[Fian]

I guess the thinking is that if you have a person with a mental illness, talking to them directly would tend to be counter-productive.  Talk to their spouse who can then guide them to the help that they need.

[formflier]

I guess the thinking is that if you have a person with a mental illness, talking to them directly would tend to be counter-productive.  Talk to their spouse who can then guide them to the help that they need.

Yeah... .my plan is to just talk to them normally... .observe.  Maybe mention going to dry cleaner and see if it brings up anything.

So far... .all seems normal.

I've not said... .and have no plan to say... "So... .I got the call the other day... .what happened?"

My mom is 75.  No known issues or meds.  She had a heck of a time getting through menopause... .but from talking to others... I don't think that was out of the ordinary.

She did some hormone stuff then... .but I don't know many details.

FF

[Skip]

Is this what is happening, FF.

Conflict at dry cleaners. Rather than resolve with your mother, deal with it (dysfunctionaly) by seeking a rescuer?  Rescuer, who gets validated by being in a one up position  (dysfunctionaly) seeks to save the day?

This would be bad triangulation.

Good triangulation would be to call the lady at the cleaners back and listen to her compassionately and try to point her in a healthy direction for handling such a situation.  You may then call your mom and see if you can get her on the subject with out telling her about te call, and talk through with her how to better deal with frustration.

This would be constructive triangulation.

[formflier]

 

Could be.

So... .what I think happened... .is that my mom grew frustrated when she figured out that she made a trip to dry cleaners for nothing.  Pants had already been picked up.

My dad is 78 now.  Has had some mouth surgery that makes it hard to talk.  He speaks much clearer now that even 6 months ago... .but it still takes a trained ear.

This is source of frustration.  We are moving... .again... frustration.  Lots of things going on.  None of them are devastating on their own... but for a grandma that is used to daily access to kids... .and thinking about going to long distance.  Or perhaps they may follow and get apartment... .who knows.

What exactly triggered it... .will never know... and at this point not sure if it is wise to try to figure everything out.

I'll take dry cleaners at their word... .they just wanted someone in family to know.  I know... .that part is over.

My parents seem normal... .so... .I don't think there is a crisis or anything to focus on.

If something else comes up... .I'll have a data reference point from this instance... .and can dig deeper.

My parents have been pretty independent people... .and take care of themselves. 

Listen... .if anyone thinks I'm on wrong track... .please speak up. 

Definitely agree on positive aspects of triangulation... .

FF

[KateCat]

I think you are on exactly the right track.

When it comes to a possible change in behavior on the part of an elder, I kind of think "it takes a village." No one person--not even a personal physician or a spouse--can be aware of everything.

So this is probably nothing but stress. But you can watch and wait, and see if there are any problems with key functions like driving. Just to make sure everyone is safe.

[Harri]

Hi ff.  If this is a one time thing that is out of character for your mom, the first place my mind goes is infection.  Urinary tract infections are fairly common in the elderly and is the first thing many of the nurses I worked with will check when an older person starts acting out of character like this.  It could be stress, but it could be medical too. 

Given your fathers speech issue, it makes sense that he was not called.  I think it would be okay to wait and watch and if the same sort of behavior repeats, ask your mom how she is feeling and suggest she have a check up given all the stress she has been under lately.  After that, it is out of your hands.

[Coral]

Not to be provocative, but my training is that "no triangulation is the only good triangulation," that the goal is to have authentic relationships and conversations.  Unless there's an immediate, on-going crisis, it seems that you should've investigated from the cleaners what they expected of you. 

[Skip]

Often triangulation is good... .when we go to a therapist or a friend gives us advice on how to better get along, etc.

Good Triangulation and Bad Triangulation

While triangulation is an important stabilizing factor, at times triangulation can be a seriously destabilizing factor.  "Bad triangulation" (i.e., pathological triangulation) can cause more turmoil in a relationship, polarizing communications and causing conflict to escalate.

According to Bowen, triangles have at least four possible outcomes, two of which are good and two of which are bad:

   a stable pair can become destabilized by a third person;

   a stable pair can also be destabilized by the removal of the third person (an example would be a child leaving home and no longer available for triangulation);

   an unstable pair can be stabilized by the addition of a third person (an example would be a conflictual marriage becoming more harmonious after the birth of a child); and

   an unstable pair being stabilized by the removal of a third person (an example would be conflict is reduced by the removal of a third person who takes sides).

Recognizing the difference between good triangulation and bad triangulation is critical to avoid repeatedly entering into destabilizing conditions in our relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle