Wife cheating and off meds...again

[LostSAHD]

I have been a stay-at-home-dad (sahd) for 5 years. My wife (who has BPD) stopped taking her meds, asked for a divorce and started dating someone from her work. This is the second affair that I know she's had in 6 years. She won't see a dr or therapist and has lied to everyone close to her. She says she's 'in love' and is 'planning' to marry this other man. I don't know how to get her to accept that she needs help. She seems so lucid and happy but is clearly not in control. Help! Three daughters at home that need a healthy mom. I'm not trying to save my marriage at this point, just trying to save their mothers life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi, I am sorry you're going through this again , it's a hard one especially when kids are involved .

This is a typical BPD behavior , bad judgement at  it's best .

How did she come out from the first affair ,do you have an idea how ?

[LostSAHD]

Her first affair ended because the mans wife was pregnant and he had no intention of leaving her. Big surprise that this new guy ALSO has a pregnant wife! He says he is leaving his wife but I feel both these men are narssisists and are just enjoying the unending sex and attention from her. At least they both lived a few states away. But this adds the problem of technology adding a level of false reality that helps her feel like what she is doing isnt wrong. She is getting plenty of positive attention to feed her mania and my wife seems very lucid but also extemely naive, which is classic BPD as well. She spent $2000 we had saved the first weeks she met this new guy. My parents had to loan me money just to put food on the table for our children. When treated my wife is wonderful and caring, thats why I hope things can turn around. My kids deserve to grow up with the woman I met years ago. I'm scared rock bottom will be an attempt to take her life because she truly believes that she has met her soul mate. 

[guy4caligirl]

Aren't we all in the same boat ? I feel with you ...

I lived trough this for five years and still experiencing it with my ex ,I know exactly what are you going through .

You see what she does not see , you know if she is not ill , she won't dare to do what's she's doing now .

The naivety of a BPD puts them in harm's way , after a week after the B/U she thought she found her soulmate and got engaged and now a year and a half latter I am in contact with her and found out that he is also a BPD and an alcoholic and have  temper issues . Soulmate my $ .I knew that from day one .

This illness blinds them , she is now in the worth situation she has ever been in , and still insist without my presence in her life now ,she won't know what to think and who to talk to, I am the "only one" that understand her  hence she isn't with me , at the same time she  praises my presence  in her hard times , also reminds me how abusive I was, ha!

I think my advise would be since you have children involved , a third party who might have influence on her ,could be a step to wake her up not you , IMO They walk into the fire not ignoring that they will get burned .

Stay positive and take good care of your children , easier said than done but it's life ... .

Very good luck to you and kids .

[livednlearned]

Hi LostSAHD,

It's never easy to hear threats of divorce, and it's doubly hard when a loved one won't follow treatment that we know will work. Has she done this before, where she threatens divorce? How old are your kids?

What kind of interactions are the two of you having right now (civil, strained, abusive?) and if she were to drop the divorce process, would you take her back?

That's a big worry, to think that she might be suicidal if things don't work out. Has she ever attempted to take her life before?

We're here for you -- this is tough stuff to go through alone.

LnL

[Moselle]

LostSAHD,

Let me join the others and welcome you. I can empathise with your trauma and the desires you have to do your best for the family.

You seem able to think objectively even though this must be traumatic. Have you got someone who you can confide in an think.about options?

[Concerns]

Hi, LostSAHD. I really am so sorry you are going through this. I don't say this lightly. Know this. You are not alone. This is almost an exact mirror of my wife's and I situation. When she goes off meds, all hell really breaks loose. Without some kind of regulation, you are on the roller coaster we are all very familiar with. People can only help themselves. Some and even she may feel this happens in "normal" relationships. I feel if someone knows they need to be medicated to help adjust to life, refuse to do this, create havoc and despair, and drop emotional bombs on their family despite the fallout then it's really tantamount to emotional abuse.

If she won't get help then you should and include the girls in the therapy. As a dysregulated individual, she may not think what she is doing is wrong or hurtful, may justify her actions for a number of reasons, or she may even feel guilty on the inside but choose to repress it. You can only help yourself and your girls. Do what you can to help-yourself and the girls.

I know my wife, during her cheating/risk behavior, was shocked when I informed her I was going to go to therapy and our 4year was coming with me. My wife doesn't see outside herself too much. So when I continued to try and make everything better and keep some normality in the household despite her actions, it was almost like she could do whatever she wanted and it didn't effect anything. Once she was shown that we were taking steps to be healthy in ourselves and reach out for help, she took notice and would ask "why are you taking Jimmy to therapy?" as if her actions didn't effect anyone but her and I. After I told her why I was taking him and that her actions effected everyone around her, it changed the dynamic of our household. I was taking more control in the areas that really mattered-my health and the health of our boy. Take some of the money you save, cut into her cheating budget, and start therapy. Move towards health.  

Did this change her behavior? No. The motivation has to be there to want to change. They have to recognize, at some point, their actions will destroy the lives around them. Even if the girls don't show it, they are affected by what's happening. Even my four year shows signs of strain in his relationship with his BPDm.

I know you love your wife like I do. I would put the main focus on yourself and your girls. Move forward with them. They, honestly, are whats most important. If your wife refuses help then this is her choice. I know its hard and you may not be there yet because I wasn't there for a long time. I just wanted to keep it all together. I still do but my priorities have changed. Her refusal=her loss.

You only mentioned this in passing but in contrast my wife threatens suicide constantly. Protect yourself and protect your girls. I gave up trying to be my wife's therapist and pointing out what I thought was wrong. It's not my role as a husband. I am there to support her as one person that's part of a couple in a committed relationship. I spent alot of time trying to take care of her and get her help because I saw how different she was when she was on meds. But meds are only part of the equation. They don't address the real issues. They take the edge off the triggers. My behavior towards her-trying to help/be a caretaker-actually drives my wife away further because it puts me in, what she regards, a weak position and I'm devalued even further.

I'm sure as a stay-at-home dad, it can be tough. You have value. You take care of your girls.