Self forgiveness

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  everyone

Nobody responded to my post I made last night so I thought I'd try again.

A couple of nights ago I replied to my father's email asking him if he still thought I was responsible for my daughter being sent home from summer camp early. I haven't heard back from him. This summer my daughter was sent home from camp 5 weeks early because she was so unhappy she was making everyone else unhappy. She was there on scholarship and this essentially ended her scholarship. My dad felt there was something I could have done to keep her there even though I told him many times there was nothing. I noticed a change in my dad's attitude towards me, especially around a recent incident with my brother.

I sent my dad photographs of my paintings, he didn't acknowledge them. I asked him if he wanted to know why my daughter had such a bad case of poison oak she had to miss my nephew's birthday party, he didn't respond. I'm really hurting over how my dad is treating me but telling him is not going to make a bit of a difference.

I started reading surviving a borderline parent. I can't figure out who's the borderline and who's the narcissist in my FOO.

I'm starting to get back in touch with old high school friend on Facebook and I know for a fact that nobody else has the kind of problems with their parents I had.

There's nothing I can do to patch up this big hole inside of myself where kind, loving, warm, nurturing parents should have been.

I think I am working on facing my shame and developing self compassion.

I put my career on hold to raise my daughter and my dad really looks down his nose at stay at home moms. All he ever talks about is people's education and people's careers. I tried to share my artwork with my dad, which is my future career , and he didn't even acknowledge it.

[unicorn2014]

  everyone

Nobody responded to my post I made last night so I thought I'd try again.

A couple of nights ago I replied to my father's email asking him if he still thought I was responsible for my daughter being sent home from summer camp early. I haven't heard back from him. This summer my daughter was sent home from camp 5 weeks early because she was so unhappy she was making everyone else unhappy. She was there on scholarship and this essentially ended her scholarship. My dad felt there was something I could have done to keep her there even though I told him many times there was nothing. I noticed a change in my dad's attitude towards me, especially around a recent incident with my brother.

I sent my dad photographs of my paintings, he didn't acknowledge them. I asked him if he wanted to know why my daughter had such a bad case of poison oak she had to miss my nephew's birthday party, he didn't respond. I'm really hurting over how my dad is treating me but telling him is not going to make a bit of a difference.

I started reading surviving a borderline parent. I can't figure out who's the borderline and who's the narcissist in my FOO.

I'm starting to get back in touch with old high school friend on Facebook and I know for a fact that nobody else has the kind of problems with their parents I had.

There's nothing I can do to patch up this big hole inside of myself where kind, loving, warm, nurturing parents should have been.

I think I am working on facing my shame and developing self compassion.

I put my career on hold to raise my daughter and my dad really looks down his nose at stay at home moms. All he ever talks about is people's education and people's careers. I tried to share my artwork with my dad, which is my future career , and he didn't even acknowledge it.

[HappyChappy]

I use to wonder why there was a delay on answers sometimes, but I found it was down to different posters being in different time zones. But it does sound like you are in a very difficult place right now. So here my belated reply.

Many people wouldn’t have sacrificed their career for their daughter, so that is something to be proud off.  We can’t protect other people (even our own kids) from everything and everyone gets sad. But sounds like you’ve done your best, and the best is the best we can expect. So well done, and I’m sorry your daughter is struggling.

You have not mentioned anything that should attract shame (in my view). We also know that BPD/NPD are good at manipulating perception, so of course they will make you feel as if you should feel shame. But from my outside perspective, you’ve done nothing wrong here, but have your perspective manipulated (who hasn’t had that). So keep plugging back in here and we’ll give you an objective perspective as I’m sure you have given others when they needed it.

Your point about the difference between BPD and NPD is valid because sometimes they can be very close, some time co-morbid with something else. However both manipulate, often using the same techniques. Very broadly speaking a NPD tends to plan more, it’s most conscious thoughts they run off. They tend to present more controlled behaviour and can hid it better.  A borderline tends to be more anxious, runs off more subconscious behaviour (but not always) has less control. So Histrionic behavior tends to be Borderline rather than Narcassists. I have one of each in my FOO. Just need a psyco and I’ve completed my collection.

Have a great weekend, and treat yourself to something nice. I was told to stand in front of a mirror and remind myself of all the positive things about me or in my life. It helped my "self compassion". Also I was taught to buy myself a present everytime I "done good", which also works. So if you could also buy me a pressent every time you do good, that might work ?    

[AmMovingForward]

Although having a parent's validation is extremely important growing up, when those who didn't "get enough" from our parents, such as you and I, start looking to external sources to fill up that hole. I commend you for not doing that, for it sounds as if you're a great mother and very selfless. That's a great thing.

I would advise against sharing stories of our FOO to others. I learned just a little while back that hole you're talking about can be filled up. With self love and compassion towards yourself. Although I know it's extremely hard, try not to focus on the problem and issues at hand, but rather what you've learned from it and how it's made you the strong woman you are because of it. Start seeing your father as a tortured boy himself,  who knew no different and was thought he was doing the best he could with you.  Meditation is a great place to start.  Google 'healing your inner child' it's worked wonders for me, and it will for you, too.  

[AmMovingForward]

Although having a parent's validation is extremely important growing up, when those who didn't "get enough" from our parents, such as you and I, start looking to external sources to fill up that hole. I commend you for not doing that, for it sounds as if you're a great mother and very selfless. That's a great thing. For I did go to those sources to fill me up, sometimes self destructive,  and I wasn't a good mother like you, but I'm working on it, and moving forward,  and that's all that matters.

I would advise against sharing stories of our FOO to others, although people seem kind and compassionate to your face, unless they are really close friends there's really nothing they can do about it,  and they have their own things going on, you know?. I learned just a little while back that hole you're talking about can be filled up. With self love and compassion towards yourself. Although I know it's extremely hard, try not to focus on the problem and issues at hand, but rather what you've learned from it and how it's made you the strong woman you are because of it. Start seeing your father as a tortured boy himself,  who knew no different and was thought he was doing the best he could with you.  Meditation is a great place to start.  Google 'healing your inner child' it's worked wonders for me, and it will for you, too.  

Always look ahead,  there are brighter days, but we have to quit looking in the rear view mirror.  

[Sarah girl]

Staying home to raise children is just about the most underrated job anyone can have. It's also one of the hardest jobs anyone can have. I do admire you for your decision to do so. I agree with Bpdsufferer that parental validation is so very important. However, a lack of validation from your BPB or NPD (or both) dad doesn't have to define how you feel about yourself. To me, you seem like a brave person. Not only have you chosen to be there for your family, you've also taken the huge leap to follow your dreams and become an artist!   You have a lot to be proud of and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.    

[AmMovingForward]

Staying home to raise children is just about the most underrated job anyone can have. It's also one of the hardest jobs anyone can have. I do admire you for your decision to do so. I agree with Bpdsufferer that parental validation is so very important. However, a lack of validation from your BPB or NPD (or both) dad doesn't have to define how you feel about yourself. To me, you seem like a brave person. Not only have you chosen to be there for your family, you've also taken the huge leap to follow your dreams and become an artist!   You have a lot to be proud of and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.    

Completely agree with you

[unicorn2014]

You have not mentioned anything that should attract shame (in my view). We also know that BPD/NPD are good at manipulating perception, so of course they will make you feel as if you should feel shame. But from my outside perspective, you’ve done nothing wrong here, but have your perspective manipulated (who hasn’t had that). So keep plugging back in here and we’ll give you an objective perspective as I’m sure you have given others when they needed it.

I saw my social worker today and she gave me the characteristics of NPD. Its interesting, both BPD and NPD are cluster b personality disorders , so what I learn here I can apply to my relationship with my dad. I definitely need to work on my self esteem, I learned this after talking to my social worker today so I'm going to look for the word self esteem in the column to the right there. I think right now I'm on the step of self compassion. 

Your point about the difference between BPD and NPD is valid because sometimes they can be very close, some time co-morbid with something else. However both manipulate, often using the same techniques. Very broadly speaking a NPD tends to plan more, it’s most conscious thoughts they run off. They tend to present more controlled behaviour and can hid it better.  A borderline tends to be more anxious, runs off more subconscious behaviour (but not always) has less control. So Histrionic behavior tends to be Borderline rather than Narcassists. I have one of each in my FOO. Just need a psyco and I’ve completed my collection.

If that is the case, a borderline being more anxious, I'd say  my dad was the borderline and my mom was the narcissist. My mom is much more concerned about what people think of her, my dad is more concerned about whether or not the people that he likes like him, which are few and far between.

I'm definitely into surviving the borderline parent now, I'm on page 22 or farther.

Thank you for your reply.

[unicorn2014]

Although having a parent's validation is extremely important growing up, when those who didn't "get enough" from our parents, such as you and I, start looking to external sources to fill up that hole. I commend you for not doing that, for it sounds as if you're a great mother and very selfless. That's a great thing.

I would advise against sharing stories of our FOO to others. I learned just a little while back that hole you're talking about can be filled up. With self love and compassion towards yourself. Although I know it's extremely hard, try not to focus on the problem and issues at hand, but rather what you've learned from it and how it's made you the strong woman you are because of it. Start seeing your father as a tortured boy himself,  who knew no different and was thought he was doing the best he could with you.  Meditation is a great place to start.  Google 'healing your inner child' it's worked wonders for me, and it will for you, too. 

Hi and thank you.

I actually read that book as a teenager.

I began my recovery from codependency as a teenager, there's a book called healing the child within by dr. charles whitfield that I read as a teenager and started attending recovery meetings for codependents.

I hear you about not sharing about your FOO.

I will give that some thought.

[unicorn2014]

Staying home to raise children is just about the most underrated job anyone can have. It's also one of the hardest jobs anyone can have. I do admire you for your decision to do so. I agree with Bpdsufferer that parental validation is so very important. However, a lack of validation from your BPB or NPD (or both) dad doesn't have to define how you feel about yourself. To me, you seem like a brave person. Not only have you chosen to be there for your family, you've also taken the huge leap to follow your dreams and become an artist!  You have a lot to be proud of and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.   

Thank you Sarah girl, I appreciate your support!