Cycle happen to friends?

[LostGhost]

Hello, just wondering if the idealization/devaluation cycle happens to their friends as well or is it only relationships. She's struck up this best friends type relationship with another girl at work. This other girl is very sweet and authentic. It seems like a friendship made in heaven as they're almost clones of each other, in a very surreal way! They literally have all the same likes/dislikes and mannerisms. I'm not going to say anything negative about my ex to this other girl but I do care as we are becoming friends as well. Hopefully the cycle won't happen but I anticipate it is inevitable?

[enlighten me]

Ive seen both my exs go through the idolisation/ devaluation phases with their friends. My exgf has only one long term friend. I say long term but its only six years or so that she has known her. My ex wife has one long term friend who is one of the sweetest people you would ever meet. She believes everything my ex tells her.

Both my exs friends live far enough away so that they don't see them often which is why I think the friendships have lasted.

[cloudten]

I saw my dBPDxbf idealize/devalue his friends constantly. I never knew if his friends were on the black or white list. Sometimes I would say "let's have so-and-so over" and he would disagree because they were blacklisted.  He is just young enough at 26 that I think his lifelong friends are beginning to distance themselves quite a bit. I think the only friends he has are either a connection to drugs or ones who are just as insane as he is. I think he is just starting to realize that he is losing friends.

[Climbmountains91]

Oh hell yeah!

His friend his known since college of seven years since last year has been a year in painted black because he ''betrayed'' him. His friends that are a couple who have a kid were painted black for quite a while as they were telling him it wasn't right that he should see our daughter instead of sitting on his ass all day playing stupid games and whatever, so he painted them black and were 'betraying him'. Maybe they shouldn't of been badgering him as much but they have a kid so i guess they have strong views and just trying to be supportive to him being a father but in there way, maybe not the right way but i wouldn't say it was betrayal, jeez, there word comes up a lot. He has betrayed them but has no responcibility or empathy towards that its disgusting really. I don't know why he has soo many friends, i'm gonna be a b___ here and say i don't know how they put up with his crap. meh!

I'm just waiting for him to paint this new friend his idealizing black. Its all i hear bout at the moment, ugh!

[balletomane]

My ex is much better at maintaining friendships than he is with romantic relationships. He doesn't have that many friends, but he has solid and long-lasting friendships with the few he has. To my knowledge, there's only one friend whom he painted black and cut from his life. He and I were close and had a steady stable friendship for a few years before we became a couple, and becoming a couple was what seemed to turn him from Jekyll to Hyde.

[Should I stay or...]

Absolutely!

and with inanimate objects too... .if you want to hear more I'll share... .

[MSNYC]

My ex has "close" friends he's known for 3-4 years who live in another city. He has a few other good friends that live in our city, but he doesn't see them beyond a couple times a month. And even with them, he goes through phases of devaluing, going AWOL on them. He had this bestie that he used to spend a LOT of time with, and they recently had a huge falling out (around the same time him and I split up when he went on a massive downward spiral). My assumption is with some higher functioning folks, they are able to keep friendships - but not SUPER intimate ones, and not for very long.

[SummerStorm]

He and I were close and had a steady stable friendship for a few years before we became a couple, and becoming a couple was what seemed to turn him from Jekyll to Hyde.

My former friend BPD was good friends for a few years with the guy she dated last December/January.  Then, he broke it off because he wasn't ready for a relationship (he was in jail and is AA/NA). She promptly ended their friendship, sent him a passive aggressive message on Facebook, and unfriended him.  Two months later, she showed me a pic of him and called him her friend.

The great thing is that he's had a new girlfriend for several months and looks incredibly happy with her. So, lucky him.  He got out before the abuse started.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, it sure does, especially when it gets to a point where romantic feelings develop. 

We barely talked while she was student teaching.  She came back for a long-term position in mid-January.  By February, she was calling me her best friend and writing me poems.  By early March, she was texting me excessively and wanting to hang out with me.  Her close friend visited from Germany, and she basically ignored him the entire time he was here and split her attention between her boyfriend and me.  Once, she  canceled dinner with her best friend from college and then went home and texted me all night. 

By the end of March, she was flirting with me.  Then, she cheated with me from the end of April to the end of May.  On June 16th, she discarded me and painted me black (though not pitch black).  A month later, she wrote to me and told me she was moving across the country with her boyfriend.  Three weeks later, I was painted white again when she left him.  A month later, I was painted black again, when she started dating a new guy.  She did reply to texts I sent her a few days later, but then she just stopped.  There wasn't any break between that guy and the next one, and she had found a place to live by that time, so there was no reason to contact me.   

I know my number is blocked, but I don't know if my texts are as well, though I'd imagine they are.  Depending on when she blocked me, I may or may not hear from her again.  If she blocked me right after her last reply to me, I may hear from her again.  If she waited and got my stream of angry texts, then I probably won't.  Either way, it doesn't really matter to me.  I don't have her blocked.  The silent treatment is her thing.  She isn't the type to just text a few months later and insult me. 

By the looks of it, she has stopped caring about everyone except her new boyfriend, so I'm sure that's going to annoy a lot of people.  I've noticed that, when she's with a new guy and in the idealization stage, she doesn't even comment on her stepsister's posts or her Instagram pics.  She doesn't paint her black; she just sort of puts her on the back burner until the relationship starts to go south. 

I was sort of a unique case, in that she started idealizing me right around the same time she was idealizing her ex-boyfriend.  I think that, mixed with the fact that her ex-boyfriend worked at night and barely saw her, kept her engulfment fears at bay.  When she was annoyed with him, she went to me, and vice versa. 

She got close to another co-worker last fall and suggested that they live together, but when the co-worker said 'no,' she pretty much stopped talking to her.  She recently accepted her friend request but never replied to the message she sent her. 

Back in September, another friend of hers contacted her ex-boyfriend, regarding a comment her posted to her FB page, and the friend told him that he had been trying to contact her for two weeks, with no response.       

[Mutt]

Absolutely!

and with inanimate objects too... .if you want to hear more I'll share... .

That's interesting. Do you have some examples?

I was confused with my exe's behavior with a particular friend that had become her best friend. I guess that she was idealizing her best friend but what I had found confusing was how my ex picked up her friends mannerisms especially her speech inflections. It was like she was literally a carbon copy and I grew increasingly annoyed because I felt like my ex wasn't acting like herself. I understood that we mirror people that we're around with sometimes but this felt like it was going on for weeks.

They spent a lot of time together and after my ex had an affair with the opposite sex, I was thinking about mirroring and how a pwBPD switch their sexual identity because of their lack of sense self and not knowing who they are. I had trusted her for years up to the point where she said she was going to leave and there were hints of an affair that I was in self denial with because she never gave me the impression that she was going to leave. My intuition tells me that my exe cheated on me with more than one person, a part of me believes she had an affair with her friend.

Anyways, I recall she said her best friend will have a best friend fir a couple of years and drops her best friends and moves unto someone else. From what I understand now is that my ex split her friend black and blame shifts. I'll never know why her friend was split but if I had to take a guess it was because of my exe's rejection sensitivity and how she would quickly split friends black at the slightest hint if rejection and invalidation was another trigger.

[cloudten]

Absolutely!

and with inanimate objects too... .if you want to hear more I'll share... .

YES! and his cat!  He either loved or hated his cat. Loved or hated his motorcycle. loved or hated his truck, his house, his job.  And his view on it would always change... .and I would never know which it was going to be. Completely unpredictable. Actually I am quite sure everything was black and white. Just about the only thing i could count on him liking was whiskey or pot.

[shatra]

and with inanimate objects too... .if you want to hear more I'll share

----Absolutely! As cloudten wrote, they cycle and split black and white with pets, motorcycles, etc.

------Also with stores, professionals (He's a loser and I'm firing him---next year Oh he's the best professional ever!). 

----I have even seen them feel "abandoned" by inanimate objects (ex: get raged out because a store closed, feel abandoned if the dog doesn't greet them)

----They also keep mementos of lost objects (the sign from a store that closed,  the feeding dish of a pet that dies)  to remind them of the lost thing

[Invictus01]

When I started seeing my ex, she was kinda sorta friends with one of her employees. Then they became good buddies, were hanging out all the time... .Then in a matter of about a month, they went from good buddies to a string of bizzare events that ended with her friend allegedly sending a bunch of crazy texts to another coworker where she threatened to take her down and all that which led to a firing... .Soo, from good friends to bitter enemies in about 3 months. It was rather bizarre to observe, out of nowhere for a third party observer. Besides, I couldn't understand how a bar manager would take down the GM of the restaurant... .and after it was all said and done, my girlie told me "So disappointing... .That's why I just don't trust anybody"

By the way... .I know it is just a Facebook and all that. She changed her profile pic a few days ago (I check from time to time since it doesn't trigger me anymore). Her last profile pic was from 6 months ago. After seeing this topic, I went back and just for the hell of it, compared who liked her latest pic and the one before. ONE person in common between the pics. I know it doesn't say much... .But it is weird to me, like she got a new set of friends... .

[Bigmd]

My ex gf friend did it 3x with her best friend while I was with her. First time was over my ex being in her destination wedding. My ex couldn't afford it so they had a little blow up. They didn't talk for a while.  Next time the friend was supposed to watch her sick daughter. At last minute she couldn't. My ex said she was betrayed and that resulted in no talking. Than over winter my ex was taking care of her dogs while friend was on vac. Because her friend called to check on dogs she felt insulted and ignored her from then on. Ultimately not talking for months and told me not to talk to her as well.

[Wu-tang]

Yes, absolutely. My uBPDexgf only has 2 longterm friends and by that I mean 8 years. Even then she would cycle between loving them to the end of the earth to saying how she couldn't rely on them.

Other acquaintances or work colleagues would be talked about loads and idealised. Then I wouldnt hear about them for a while and when I'd ask she would say she didn't really talk to them anymore or they were annoying.

[Should I stay or...]

Inanimate f/u

I bought her a Samsung cell phone and when the phone dropped a call she claimed that the phone sucked. I bought her an IPad, when the IPad wirelessly didn't connect it sucked too... .and so did the Fios service that I suggested... .

When she was in need of a place to live, leaving her marital home, I found a 2 acre rental property that was on a creek that a friend of mine rented to her for 1200 per month, normally 3200. It sucked too, too humid in the summer. She moved out after two years and the place sold for 1.5M.

This part is very interesting; I don't know if there any studies done, but her children; D13, S9 would agree with her and would chime with the same exclaims! Samsung suck, Fios sucks, this house is too hot!

I know they were parroting her not to be painted black too, needed to stay in the white, on her good side. We were her sacrificial lambs... .I felt so badly for her children, I was watching possibly future borderlines developing. They loved me and couldn't show it.  :'(

[juniorswailing]

My soon to be ex has next to no friends.

Initially,  and by that I mean when I met her 4 months ago,  I thought it was a bit odd.

Now I know why.

[SummerStorm]

By the way... .I know it is just a Facebook and all that. She changed her profile pic a few days ago (I check from time to time since it doesn't trigger me anymore). Her last profile pic was from 6 months ago. After seeing this topic, I went back and just for the hell of it, compared who liked her latest pic and the one before. ONE person in common between the pics. I know it doesn't say much... .But it is weird to me, like she got a new set of friends... .

Yes, I've noticed this, too.  Really, what it comes down to is that the people who liked her stuff before were her ex's friends.  So, they are out of the picture.  Now, it's her new co-workers, though I've seen less of them since she got a new boyfriend.  I'm sure she's ignoring them like she ignores everyone when she is in the idealization phase.

I'm new to Facebook, but what I've noticed is that even people who have hundreds of friends tend to have a core group that consistently like their stuff.  So, when I see someone liking everything for a few weeks or months and then not liking anything at all, I get suspicious.  And when this seems to be a pattern that repeats itself with multiple people, that's a  .

In the past three years or so, the number of people who wish her a happy birthday on there has dropped significantly.   This year, it was mostly family.

So, Facebook can hide a lot, but it can't hide everything.

[LostGhost]

I've noticed much of the same with my ex as well. She does have a handful of friends she's had for years - but the key thing about these friends is they live in another country, so she rarely interacts with them in real life and when she does it's been months so they probably have a great time. In terms of local friends, she seems to find a new bestie every once in a while and then one day they're not a bestie, just an acquaintance.

This new friend she has is almost identical to her in every way (virtually clones, it's hard to believe!) so I imagine they get along quite well! We're all co-workers and naturally I really like this other girl too since she has a lot of the same qualities and attributes I liked in my ex. If history repeats, I wonder how long it will be before their friendship hits some turbulence. I almost wish this other girl would come to me in the future and ask if there's something "off" about my ex. I also hope I'm wrong about everything and maybe she finally has a real, quality friend.

[MSNYC]

Inanimate objects:

When I first met him he was done smoking weed, never to do it again.

By the time we split, he was spending hundreds a week on fancy bongs, vapes, high quality weed and papers, etc.

Animate non-humans:

When I first met him, he had given away his dog and "was never EVER going to have a dog again." When we split, he had adopted a puppy that was the apple of his eye.

When I first met him, he had no political persuasion and was apathetic. When we split, under my influence perhaps, he was reading Malcolm X and leftist literature and all about it. Even offered to help me plan rallies, etc.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex has one good friend he's known for years.

When we first met, the guy was on good terms with him.  Our first fight was over him ditching me for him.  "He's one of my oldest and best friends!" he said.

Then he sort of generally lost interest in seeing him at all for a while.

Then he said that his friend was bisexual and had come on to him once while drunk, so he didn't trust him.

Now guess who is his biggest ally in fighting against me, the only mutual friend of ours to block me on Facebook too?  They hang out at least once a week.

[MSNYC]

Just yesterday I found out mine cut out his best friend and his girlfriend a couple weeks ago. A few months ago, this guy was a gem.

[shatra]

Yes, they don't seem to be able to handle being angry at someone they have contact with. It seems to be "I'm mad, and so therefore I am dumping you"... .and then later sometimes years later "Oh I'll forget about that memory, now you are all good and I want you back"

[SummerStorm]

Yes, they don't seem to be able to handle being angry at someone they have contact with. It seems to be "I'm mad, and so therefore I am dumping you"... .and then later sometimes years later "Oh I'll forget about that memory, now you are all good and I want you back"

Yep.  Mine literally forgot everything bad that happened between us and then just wanted to be friends again.  The only problem is that NONE of our past issues were resolved.  I can only go on like that for so long.  Not being able to express your feelings gets very old.