Out of patience and empathy, unable to forgive BPD sister

[AuntPam]

So since I started posting on this board, and reading other people's stories, I occasionally have a day (when I am alone in the house) and I begin "talking" to my not-present BPD sister. 

And I find that I am just furious with her.  Since my parents have both passed on, I'm the oldest person in our nuclear family, and I feel the Big Sister responsibility.  But I also have a husband and a job and a life.  Every time I respond to a request from BPD sister for help, she somehow manages to sabotage whatever I'm trying to do for her, and then wind ups blaming me, and often escalating into a rage fit against me, including ridiculous allegations.

And I can't seem to let go of the resentment of having thirty years of such bad experiences---because she simply won't recognize that her behavior is... .to say the least... .abnormal. 

The family we grew up in had next to no fighting.  Seriously, during my parents' entire marriage, I recall exactly one bad argument between them.  Me and my husband, about every five years we have a twenty-minute argument over something stupid, then kiss and make up.  My other sister and I have never had a serious argument.  We have different views about some things, but we're both completely content with "Well, I can understand what you're saying, but I just don't agree.  Now, what are we making for dinner?"  But not BPD her... .she is the fuse for almost every confrontation I've had as an adult.  And she manages to turn my refusal to escalate (once it's clear she can't be distracted) into "You don't care!  You're saying I'm stupid!"

Anyway, in these imaginary conversations with my BPD sis, I sometimes wind up being almost overwhelmed by my own anger.  I don't think that's good.  But it's like telling your heel not to form blisters while you continue to wear the shoe that creates them.  Her behavior isn't changing. 

What do people do to let go of their own anger at being cursed with a BPD family member?  This stuff ain't healthy.

[enlighten me]

Its because they don't have the same logic as you. They think differently to you and it doesn't make sense. Its confusing and frustrating and no matter what you say your point never is heard.

[Panda39]

Its because they don't have the same logic as you. They think differently to you and it doesn't make sense. Its confusing and frustrating and no matter what you say your point never is heard.

I'm a member here because my SO has an uBPDxw and I arrived here a very angry lady too.

As enlighten me said "they don't have the same logic as you" or I.  My big question was always "why".  Why? would she pull her daughter out of school for a year, Why? would she not get the other one dental care, Why? would she demonize her husband of 17 years to her children? Why... .Why... .Why?

So for me it has been a journey of learning about BPD both reading on the subject and coming here.  Understanding what BPD is helped, understanding there are patterns in my SO's uBPDxw's behaviors that I can actually predict helps, that her behaviors are common to people with BPD , that there are tools like boundaries (communicating via email only for example), don't validate the invalid, communication tools like SET, and coming to the realization that I have no control over what this person does... .that I can only control myself.

I have over time been able to get to a place of "radical acceptance".  She is who she is and she is going to do what she is going to do. I am not responsible for her and can not control her.   I don't need to ask "why" any more because the answer to why is simply this is who she is and what she does.

This does not mean that I still don't get angry because I still can but it is situational and short lived.  Not the underlying anger that I had carried around all the time when I first arrived here.

So I encourage you to join the rest of us, we are all on our own journeys of understanding, healing, and processing the fallout from a person with BPD in our lives.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Suzn]

Anyway, in these imaginary conversations with my BPD sis, I sometimes wind up being almost overwhelmed by my own anger.  I don't think that's good.  

What do people do to let go of their own anger at being cursed with a BPD family member?  This stuff ain't healthy.

Hello AuntPam

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've had those conversations alone with my mom and my brother too. I can relate to things you've done being sabotaged by the one you've tried to help.

Letting go of the anger is hard and hard isn't one step above easy. Acceptance comes with time and during that time allow yourself to experience your feelings. There's only one way to experience them and that's straight through to the other side. Bottling them up or trying to avoid them only prolongs your recovery. Taking care of you during this time is important. How are you coping with this anger? Have you considered working with a therapist with what you've been up against? The Lessons over to the top right of your screen, the first step is Taking Care of Yourself--->

You will find a wealth of information that will be helpful.

I found that behind the anger is sadness because, you're right, they won't change without help however things can get better. Allow yourself to cry, it helps release the anger. The communication skills you've been using and setting boundaries take time, this situation didn't come about over night and it won't change overnight. It's a process for everyone involved.  

I'm glad you've found us. Keep posting, it helps.  

 

[AuntPam]

Thanks for all the answers.  I usually feel that getting angry is bad for me, because it can lock me into staying angry.

But acknowledging that I'm angry has helped in some way.  It was bottled up, and venting it by shouting at an empty room is way better than shouting at the person who causes it.

And now, I'm not so angry.  However, as noted above, I am sad.  As I get older, the regrets I have for people who waste their chances to be happy are sharper.  Yet I don't believe that if I were unhappy, that would magically make my BPD sis get better.  And I do have all these other folks who make me feel great, and who love it when I make them feel great.  One of 'em is my husband.  We're gonna play some guitar together tonight.  That will make us both happy.