Future

[JLSeagull]

Hi, I'm a 47 yo physician. I have been separated from my wife for the past 2 months but still living in the guest bedroom of our large home. We have been married for 22 years and together for 25. We have 3 children 19,17,15. We have had a tumultuous roller-coaster ride of a relationship and things have come to a head now as a combination of mid-life crises and me overworking. I have finally come to the realization that my wife has BPD. We have been to marriage counsellors on many occasions but the sessions were never really helpful and ended with her feeling that the counsellors always seemed to be on my side. She has never been formally diagnosed. She is seeing a counsellor presently but has been keeping their identity from me and paying cash. I have discover who she is seeing as all of our contacts are still synced. As far as I know she is still not diagnosed. I have a couple of questions. I would like to contact the counsellor she is seeing to suggest that she may have BPD and to have the counsellor at least suggest to her that due to her long history of relationship difficulties she get a complete psychological evaluation. I would be happy to complete one myself. Is this a reasonable approach? I don't know how anything can ever improve if she doesn't get a diagnosis and some cognitive therapy. Secondly, I am really questioning if I want to be in this relationship for the rest of my life. It will likely continue to be stressful, challenging, and hurtful. At the same time divorcing someone with BPD can be hell. I'm a hopeless romantic and not sure I can ever achieve the connection I have been looking for with someone like my wife. I guess I would love to hear some success stories from people who have been through a situation like this and have found happiness after diagnosis and treatment. Thanks

[Lonely_Astro]

Welcome to the board!

With that said, you can find success stories here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0).  Most of the time, you won't find 'success' stories because frankly those that are in successful relationships aren't as likely to post.  I'm not saying there can't be success, mind you, just that you won't find many for the reasons I mentioned.

Getting yourself into professional treatment is always worthwhile.  It will let you explore your own emotions and will help guide you to where you need to go.  We have all been on the path you're on now, each one of us at a different place on that path.  I was in a relationship with my pwBPD for about 6 months, then we were NC (no contact) for 3 years, started up again, lasted roughly a year, and we've since fallen apart again.  Mine is diagnosed BPD (wasn't on our first go around).  She is medicated and has recently (about a month or so) started DBT.  We fell apart rapidly after she started DBT - though the past year has been rocky (lies, emotional affair, silent treatment, etc etc).  I thought we would succeed when we started up again, but it appears I am wrong.

Anyway, good luck on your journey.  Please feel free to reach out to us as you need to, you aren't alone!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jonathanlivingston, Welcome!  Agree with Lonely Astro, you have come to a great place and many of us have been down the path before you.  Believe me, you are not alone.

Concerning question #1, No, I don't recommend that you contact your W's T to relate your suspicion that she may have BPD.  If the T is any good, he/she probably knows it already.  Plus, I think you would be walking an ethical tightrope concerning the therapist/patient privilege that is best avoided, which I'm sure you, as a physician, can appreciate.

Concerning question #2, I can't tell you what to do.  Only you know the right path for you.  If you are unsure, listen to your gut feelings.  Agree that, if your W has BPD, you are likely to continue "walking on eggshells."  Also agree that divorce from a pwBPD is extremely challenging.  There's no easy answer.  Believe me, I've been in your shoes.

The answer, I suggest, starts with taking better care of yourself.  Self-respect is not selfish, my friend.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Hello JL,

Welcome to the group Doc!  It's a good place to find others who have been or are going through what you've been going through and will never pass judgement ... .we're here to pick you up when you stumble on this path you're walking. WE can't walk it for you ... .but can let you know what worked or didn't work for us and a place to vent.

Now, as a physician you did a tour in the mental health ward in a hospital ... .you should know that BPD is a serious behavioral illness not to be taken likely. I commend you on your patience & strength for having been with her for 25 years ... .but I would suggest that your "new increased awareness" of her behavior is due to the fact that you're aware of your mid-life crisis and maybe you overworked yourself to avoid situations at home that would of ended up in anything but an argument. With that being said, I would take you up on your offer to seek out your own mental health counselor/therapist ... .as it can be beneficial for you regardless of what is happening in the relationship. I think that it could help with your mid-life among other things that you might or might be sharing with the group at this time. You yourself have admitted to be a hopeless romantic ... .as most of us here would probably admit too. We're also perfectionist, Knights in armor, the white hat cowboy either saving others from themselves or rescuing those who need rescue ... .this is also known as being a care giver or a codependent. Would it surprise you that most of those who have codependency issues are in professions like doctors, nurses, military, police officers, therapist ... .see a trend here? Professions that take care of others ... .it's a learned behavior from early in life with issues that are unique to you growing up in your family environment.

Therapy will be able to help you sort through your midlife crisis and your codependency. Now to your question ... .you should know that anything your s/o says or does in the the office of her therapist or counselor or doctors office is protected by law and ethical behavior of the treating physician. He/she will not discuss any treatment or diagnosis of their patient as I would hope they wouldn't or I would get another counselor or therapist / physician  ... .and I hope you don't given the fact that you're a physician.

Only you can walk this path ... .we can not tell you what to do or what not to do. We can tell you to divorce or not to ... .those are choices you have to make doc. I would encourage you to read some of the articles to the top & left here on the page and would ask a mental health colleague for guidance & educate you on just how serious BPD is. From most every reference & study, this behavioral illness will take a lifetime of therapy ... .IF they the BPD accepts that there is an issue with them AND if they choose to go to therapy. It's like being an alcoholic ... .you can't force them to go if they don't want to go. And from what I've come to learn ... .it's not a quick fix ... .my exBPDgf has been going off and on to several different therapist over the last 25 years. Sometimes the therapist stops the therapy because he/she can't find a way forward or that it's just to emotionally draining for them ... .and sometimes it's the person with BPD who decides they can't trust the therapist or that they're not helping so they seek out yet another. What caused the BPD started long before you were ever in the picture ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  When i was seeing my exBPDgf she was seeing one therapist ... .after having some serious one on one with her I knew of the sexual, mental, physical, emotional abuse she suffered for years nearly everyday. She herself has said she is broken to the core & will probably never be fixed ... .just before she called things off yet again the last time she started to see a second therapist that dealt with PTSD better & approached it with EMDR therapy in addition to her continuing to see her other therapist and his DLT therapy. This is serious Doc ... .YOU can't fix it with meds or surgery.

Now all that said, it's not to say you can't have a semi normal life with someone who is BPD ... .but like an alcoholic its' going to depend on the person response to the therapy and the desire to continue with what will be a lifetime of therapy. You know as a physician how well a person heals depends on the person ... .this would include you ... .whether you want to believe it or not you too have been affected by BPD and you have underlying issues why you're attracted to them in addition to your midlife.  Only you can decide after what you discover from your education if it's going to be worth it staying & continuing therapy or moving forward and continue your work on yourself ... .Lucky Jim is correct ... .starts with taking better care of yourself on all facets of this diamond in the rough. How many people actually take the time to look inward on a journey of self discovery ... .to improve themselves for themselves which has a side effect of making ALL your relationships better ... .coworkers ... .family ... .friends ... .what's the ancient saying ... ." Physician heal thyself".

I wish you safe travels on your journey doc ... .come back as often as needed or as often as you want ... .let us know how you're doing ... .what's working for you and what's not working for you.

JQ

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JLSeagull, 



I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how difficult it is to cope with the roller-coaster behavior. 

As Lucky Jim said, it is probably not best if you contact your wife's therapist. It is understandable to want to help, but it is best not to interfere with her therapist. A large proportion of treatment is CBT based.  Many times therapists do not diagnose BPD, due to insurance reasons or the stigma behind the disorder. Usually there is focus on maladaptive behavior.  The behavior and the distorted thought process is what many therapists focus on. 

It does take awhile to "unlearn" a lifelong pattern of coping mechanisms and distorted thoughts. If your wife is dedicated to therapy, there can be positive changes. My bf has made incredible changes in therapy. I am not sure of a formal diagnosis, although he has made references to the diagnostic criteria. I tend to not focus on a diagnosis, but the behavioral changes.

At this point in life with my own therapy, things have never been better.  I cannot change his behavior, but I can change my own. Through my own therapy, I realized that I made things worse at times because of my own issues.  One thing I learned from therapy is that I tend to not focus on my own needs first. Taking care of yourself is important and it is easy to forget about yourself when you are coping with BPD behavior. I let my stress and anxiety build up so much, it became very hard to cope with my bf's behavior. 

What things are making you feel as if you do not want to be in the relationship for life?