Restraining Order

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi.  I am new to this board.  I had a three year relationship with a pwBPD and it ended in August.  She thought I was going to leave her and she split me black in a second, then broke up with me.  I managed to remain NC for three weeks but called and texted her numerous times one night.  She encouraged me to text her, then called the police and told them I was threatening to assault her.  On Monday morning, she went to the courthouse to get an ex parte order.  She lied and said I had punched her in the face in the past and the judge granted the order. She told damaging lies to my friends and coworkers, and disclosed some of my most intimate secrets to anyone who would listen.   In the end, I spent over $5,000 on legal fees to fight the order.  She dismissed it a few days before the hearing - I think because I had witnesses who could expose the various lies she told during her deposition. 

This has easily been the worst experience I have ever had.  The breakup was hard enough, but there is a lot of confusion when someone you think loves/loved you suddenly becomes intent on destroying you.  I had read about pwBPD before, and the splitting, projecting, etc. after a break up, but I really cannot truthfully say I expected it to be so bad.  The lengths she went to do harm me were alarming - she actually tried to deliver the restraining order to my work herself (with her 9 year old daughter in tow) just to humiliate me. 

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?  I read an article about BPS and restraining order, and apparently it is fairly common.  It has been three months since we were together, and I still feel the impact of this woman.  I think about her all the time and am very much struggling with the feelings of humiliation, grief, anger, sadness, smallness, etc, etc.  I don't want her in my life anymore.  Even though I do think about her often, and sometimes miss her, she scares me far too much to ever have a relationship of any kind with her again.  I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for her, but I also find myself hating her at times.  I'm a mess.

[Squander]

Hi.  I am new to this board.  I had a three year relationship with a pwBPD and it ended in August.  She thought I was going to leave her and she split me black in a second, then broke up with me.  I managed to remain NC for three weeks but called and texted her numerous times one night.  She encouraged me to text her, then called the police and told them I was threatening to assault her.  On Monday morning, she went to the courthouse to get an ex parte order.  She lied and said I had punched her in the face in the past and the judge granted the order. She told damaging lies to my friends and coworkers, and disclosed some of my most intimate secrets to anyone who would listen.   In the end, I spent over $5,000 on legal fees to fight the order.  She dismissed it a few days before the hearing - I think because I had witnesses who could expose the various lies she told during her deposition. 

This has easily been the worst experience I have ever had.  The breakup was hard enough, but there is a lot of confusion when someone you think loves/loved you suddenly becomes intent on destroying you.  I had read about pwBPD before, and the splitting, projecting, etc. after a break up, but I really cannot truthfully say I expected it to be so bad.  The lengths she went to do harm me were alarming - she actually tried to deliver the restraining order to my work herself (with her 9 year old daughter in tow) just to humiliate me. 

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?  I read an article about BPS and restraining order, and apparently it is fairly common.  It has been three months since we were together, and I still feel the impact of this woman.  I think about her all the time and am very much struggling with the feelings of humiliation, grief, anger, sadness, smallness, etc, etc.  I don't want her in my life anymore.  Even though I do think about her often, and sometimes miss her, she scares me far too much to ever have a relationship of any kind with her again.  I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for her, but I also find myself hating her at times.  I'm a mess.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear Squander,

I am so sorry that such an event has happened to you.   It is very painful when the person that you thought had your back suddenly exposes you to legal and emotional blackmail.   As such you have likely hit upon one of the saddest parts of leaving a pwBPD person behind.  Every emotion that you described is perfectly reasonable!   Confusion, humiliation, anger and depression are part of the initial recovery process.   It's likely you're having trouble sleeping as well.   Read the online material regarding fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).  And read the posts here.  I know when I was in your shoes, I read the posts on here just to calm my heart down!  Knowing that others had been in similar situations does help with the sting of it.

You will likely need to distance yourself from her.   Try hard to not reengage, or severely limit your conversations with her.  Believe me when I say that this is one of the hardest things to do!  You want to defend yourself.  Take away the blame by saying "what a second, that's not how it went!" And so forth.   But if you really don't have a reason to talk to her (like having children together), then the further you distance, the better it will be for you.   But I can tell you, this is easier said than done.  You'll probably read lots of posts here about failure to keep the distance and it resulting in yet another crisis of some kind.

I also had a restraining order against me.  All lies or completely irrelevent.  I was accused of... .smoking a cigarette in the deposition.   Because I had done a pretty good job of creating distance, I received TONS of text messages.   And in fact, I used those text messages to generate my own factual deposition for a counter restraining order.   This resulted in what is called a mutual restraining order and I was able to prevent her not only from contacting my employer in any way, but also to prevent posts in social media.   When she said she hoped I would die from HIV - AIDS in a text message, that went right into my deposition for my side of the restraining order.   You can fight back!  Be smart!   If you don't reply to the texts that are likely heading your way, you are in a much better position legally!

She is indeed likely bent on continually hurting you, I'm afraid.  And weirdly, may also send signals of wanting to reconnect.   This would not be at all unusual.  You should anticipate the reengagement behavior.   It's a comin''

My expwBPDgf called the police for domestic disturbance three times the week before I finally left.   No arrests, but it's really scary!  Like you, my private secret of being a bisexual male (something that she was fully aware when we met) was revealed to all our friends at a tennis group party about a month after I left.   I was also blackened with virtually all of our mutual friends and some that were mine beforehand about things that were supposed to be kept in our sessions with the therapists.  You may be tempted to fight fire with fire here.  But again, you'll likely end up reengaging and that's likely to hurt you further.   The good news is that I didn't lose a single one of the them in the long run. 

Be sure to get good support from your friends and family.   Tell them you  might call when you're really feeling down and confused.   Trust them to be good stewards for you.   When you're feeling all those emotions, you're far likelier to make a mistake.   In my own case, I thought I had all of it beat, but then in a crazy moment of all those emotions crashing along, I did something so stupid that it actually cost me my job.   So please, stay in contact with the friends that get it.   Call them when you get overwhelmed.   

I'm sure others will agree that talking to a professional is a pretty good idea too.   Be sure to find someone who knows about personality disorders (PD) to a strong degree.   

The best news is that you are on your way to a better healthier life.   You're going to have to go through some pain to get there, but it will be worth it. 

Hi.  I am new to this board.  I had a three year relationship with a pwBPD and it ended in August.  She thought I was going to leave her and she split me black in a second, then broke up with me.  I managed to remain NC for three weeks but called and texted her numerous times one night.  She encouraged me to text her, then called the police and told them I was threatening to assault her.  On Monday morning, she went to the courthouse to get an ex parte order.  She lied and said I had punched her in the face in the past and the judge granted the order. She told damaging lies to my friends and coworkers, and disclosed some of my most intimate secrets to anyone who would listen.   In the end, I spent over $5,000 on legal fees to fight the order.  She dismissed it a few days before the hearing - I think because I had witnesses who could expose the various lies she told during her deposition. 

This has easily been the worst experience I have ever had.  The breakup was hard enough, but there is a lot of confusion when someone you think loves/loved you suddenly becomes intent on destroying you.  I had read about pwBPD before, and the splitting, projecting, etc. after a break up, but I really cannot truthfully say I expected it to be so bad.  The lengths she went to do harm me were alarming - she actually tried to deliver the restraining order to my work herself (with her 9 year old daughter in tow) just to humiliate me. 

Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?  I read an article about BPS and restraining order, and apparently it is fairly common.  It has been three months since we were together, and I still feel the impact of this woman.  I think about her all the time and am very much struggling with the feelings of humiliation, grief, anger, sadness, smallness, etc, etc.  I don't want her in my life anymore.  Even though I do think about her often, and sometimes miss her, she scares me far too much to ever have a relationship of any kind with her again.  I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for her, but I also find myself hating her at times.  I'm a mess.

[Squander]

Dear TakingWingAtLast.  Thank you very much for the response.  I was hoping to find someone with a similar experience - it does help take some of the sting out of what I am going through.  I often wonder if I am going to feel this way forever, but you seem to be in a much better place and that gives me hope.

I have been able to remain NC with her for over two months now, except when I saw her at the deposition and at court.  I think what helps me most is just knowing this was always going to happen, and while it was bad, it could always have been worse.  I am in therapy and I think the biggest thing I get from it is understanding what it is about ME, not her, that caused me to stay in a toxic relationship for so long.   

She is in a new relationship now (she met him on FB before her and I broke up), and I believe she will not contact me again until the excitement of this relationship is coming to an end.  I believe she does need drama and chaos in her life, and therefore I believe she will look for it eventually.  Maybe not with me, but if she does, I think I am prepared for it.  I do believe if she ever contacts me again it will be because she wants me to validate her and/or stroke her ego.  I am not prepared to do that now, and I certainly will not be prepared to do it once I am the same place you seem to be in.  So, I am hoping she gives me time before she decides to contact me.  I talk a big game, but I also tend to make bad decisions at times... .

I think in the end, the times I go to a place of forgiveness with her, the better I feel.  So I am going to work on that some more.

Thank you again for the response.  Just writing this post makes me feel better.

[cloudten]

I am sorry to hear about all of the struggles.

Have you thought about getting a reverse restraining order? If she starts contacting you, you need to start documenting, then report to police if necessary, then take legal action if necessary.

I have a dBPDx.  After he tried to kill me in October, I got a restraining order. It was easy for me because my evidence was through the roof.

I believe you need to stay absolutely NC.  I believe it was Skip that told me to "give him nothingness"... .and that is my #1 goal... .to give him nothingness right now.

you will definitely need to focus on yourself to break the pattern. someone in another thread called it "addiction to self improvement". That phrase resonates with me. I am pouring myself into me and figuring out what is wrong with me.

Good luck! Court is so scary! Facing the ex is so scary! I'm sorry for what you have had to go through!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Squander,

Was glad that you felt better!  That's the genuine benefit of being on this site!   I like what you are saying and I like that you are getting prepared.   

And I agree with CloudTen about the reverse restraining order.  It helped me enormously.   It was what I was saying about documenting the texts and messages that you receive.   And you are probably right, she might not contact you today, but it seems likely that you will get that "text" at some point.   

Keep up the good work.  There is hope indeed!

[swimjim]

Hi Squander. I feel your pain. My ex did the same thing. This kind of borderline splitting is the worst kind to experience. Stay NC. Don't get mad at her. As much as you would like to confront her for attempting to destroy your reputation, any kind of contact will cause her to call the police. It is frustrating I know. She will run to the police like a 3 year old runs to her mommy.

[Mutt]

Hi Squander. I feel your pain. My ex did the same thing. This kind of borderline splitting is the worst kind to experience. Stay NC. Don't get mad at her. As much as you would like to confront her for attempting to destroy your reputation, any kind of contact will cause her to call the police. It is frustrating I know. She will run to the police like a 3 year old runs to her mommy.

Hi Squander,

I agree with swimjim. My ex did the same thing, it was the mother of all tantrums and it felt like an emotional barrage.

The most radical act is to do nothing. My advice is maintain complete radio silence, the less that you confront her the quicker all of this will pass. Hang in there.

[Squander]

Thank you everyone for the support.  The one good thing to come out of all of this is my fear of her putting me through this again far outweighs my desire to contact her.  I do like the phrase "give her nothingness".  It sounds a little strange I know, but I keep a list on my phone of things she has done to me in the past, then I reference that list whenever I feel the urge to look at old photos/texts or go to her FB site.  It's a long list!  But it helps.

Cheers.   

[swimjim]

The list is a good idea. I think we tend to romanticize the relationship. It is easy to forget the bad experiences. Except the police and restraining order of course. I still can't wrap my head around calling the police and false restraining order. I will never know if my ex put me through it to punish me or because her thinking was distorted. I will never know because of NC.