He got very nasty when I told him I wanted no contact - it hurts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can anyone talk to me about how people with BPD react when threatened with abandonment?  I mean, I know this stuff theoretically, but I'm dealing with the reality now - a letter from my friend of 30 yrs wBPD - and I'm sick over it. Crying a lot, constant headache, heart palpitations.  I'd said to him,  'I do honestly love you, but I absolutely can't do this anymore' - suggesting a break.  He came back with the most nasty, ludicrous things.  He accused me of being a bully, said I'd so often screamed at him for hours and he could not take this any more.  I've never screamed at him for hours, not ever.  He accused me of being inappropriately intimate with him because I sometimes call him 'sweetie' in emails.  He once phoned me up drunk, after I was married, and told me what he wanted to do with me was hold me and cherish me all night.   I didn't make a big deal over it. And now, he says I'm inappropriate! The letter goes on and on like this.  Complete denial of the pain I've been through, one accusation and self-justification after another.

As i write this I'm feeling stupid.  If I know what he says is untrue why is it upsetting me so much?  And why am I so surprised?  He has gotten very nasty in arguments before.  But this feels different.  I just can't believe he'd say these things.  Does he actually believe what he is saying himself?  Is this his reality?  Or does he know he's lying but doesn't care just so long as he hurts me as much as he can?  Which of those two should I wish for? Either option breaks my heart. Somewhere in there is a man I once loved, a flawed person whom I still care about deeply.  But I can't see that man.  The moment I mentioned ending contact, that man was replaced by this vile creep.  I have ended contact, and I know that's the right thing.  But I can't believe 30 yrs have ended like this.  I'm really struggling with this.

[wakingfirst]

Can anyone talk to me about how people with BPD react when threatened with abandonment?  I mean, I know this stuff theoretically, but I'm dealing with the reality now - a letter from my friend of 30 yrs wBPD - and I'm sick over it. Crying a lot, constant headache, heart palpitations.  I'd said to him,  'I do honestly love you, but I absolutely can't do this anymore' - suggesting a break.  He came back with the most nasty, ludicrous things.  He accused me of being a bully, said I'd so often screamed at him for hours and he could not take this any more.  I've never screamed at him for hours, not ever.  He accused me of being inappropriately intimate with him because I sometimes call him 'sweetie' in emails.  He once phoned me up drunk, after I was married, and told me what he wanted to do with me was hold me and cherish me all night.   I didn't make a big deal over it. And now, he says I'm inappropriate! The letter goes on and on like this.  Complete denial of the pain I've been through, one accusation and self-justification after another.

As i write this I'm feeling stupid.  If I know what he says is untrue why is it upsetting me so much?  And why am I so surprised?  He has gotten very nasty in arguments before.  But this feels different.  I just can't believe he'd say these things.  Does he actually believe what he is saying himself?  Is this his reality?  Or does he know he's lying but doesn't care just so long as he hurts me as much as he can?  Which of those two should I wish for? Either option breaks my heart. Somewhere in there is a man I once loved, a flawed person whom I still care about deeply.  But I can't see that man.  The moment I mentioned ending contact, that man was replaced by this vile creep.  I have ended contact, and I know that's the right thing.  But I can't believe 30 yrs have ended like this.  I'm really struggling with this.

[13YearGoodbye]

WakingFirst: It's been 90 days since I abandoned my X of 13 years. I've been getting the same sort of emails... .I call them surreal, for their lack of connection to the physical reality as I (think that I) witnessed it. For example, she said that I never did anything around the house. The reality is that the whole time I was with her I did 99% of the cleaning,  cooking, and lawn care. She said that she always said thank you to me and that she appreciated my help. Always. The reality is that she constantly b___ed at me about what I cooked, how I cleaned, and how I took care of the lawn. She wrote about my souless black eyes a lot. Whatever. It was her that was frequently raging. My tactic was to calmly disengage from conflict.

One time she told me in an email that she stopped having sex with me because I am too big? Huh? After 13 years she finally thinks to mention that? Being too big wouldn't have stopped me from cuddling, or rubbing her back, or any number of other pleasant kinds of touching.

I also felt upset by the untrue things that my X was writing, until I realized that she is writing about herself, and that she is not writing about me. Sometimes I read the emails and substitute "I" for "you". For example if she writes, "You never do anything around the house." I can substitute,  "I never do anything around the house." and it pretty much gets at the real truth of the matter.

Mine got much nastier after I left and went No Reply... .It's been 3 months now for me, and the fear, obligation, and guilt are receding into the background. I was fortunate that i left during the busiest working time of the year for my occupation, so I was well distracted by other things during the adjustment.

[wakingfirst]

Thank you, Thirteen Years, that has really helped me.  I reread the letter from my ex, actually changing every 'you' to an 'I', and for the first time there is some sense in it.  My ex lost his mom to suicide when he was a teen.  He was an only child and very close to her.  He has told me hundreds of times that I remind him of her.  When I make the substitutions, the letter reads like he's talking to his mom - he even writes that he wanted to show the world how proud he is of me, which when we make the change means he wants me to be proud of him.  Which isn't something one often says to an ex or to a friend.  But you might say it to an absent mother.

I did try to address the mother stuff with him, lots of times, but never got far.  I still feel terribly sad, like my chest is full of broken glass.  BUT I'm not as angry and upset as I was.  Thank you so much for that insight.  I hope you continue to feel better, happier and stronger!

[13YearGoodbye]

WakingFirst: Hang in there. Things have gotten better for me, I expect they will for you also.

My X includes a mother story in most of the emails that she sends me now... .Usually something about how evil her mother treated her father... .I didn't know her mother, and have never attempted to match her against a diagnostic chart for BPD, but I wonder... .

My X was hyper-critical and excessively-anxious when I'd drive... .(Unrelated to my driving, because I am a safe and cautious driver.) One day when she was being critical of my driving I told her, "I wish that you wouldn't speak to me the way that your mother spoke to your father." Her explosion of intense rage told me that I had come pretty close to the heart of the matter.