My birthday blown off. And there was a baby.

[Daniell85]

Things with my boyfriend have been calm. This is the thing that always really scares me. He can appear very peaceful on the surface, but behind the scenes... .


The last few weeks have been very quiet. He rarely "disregulates" openly unless he feels he is being "attacked".

If he feels that way, then the ugly comes out.

I am deeply unhappy. Sad, disappointed, angry. Particularly after the last two days.

First, I have been letting issues lie. Not because I think I should let them go, but because I can't address anything with him, he won't allow it. Second, I felt that if an extended calm period passed, we would both calm down and build up some good will, and then issues could be addressed.

He, himself, told me this was his own thought, too. I haven't been very optimistic about it, though, because I know the moment he feels he is attacked, the nastiness will begin. By blocking, silent treatments. I have a deep seated rage and pain over how he has treated me, and I am not sure when I will be up for being the recipient of more of it.

This brings me to a couple of things that are actively upsetting me. I haven't talked to him about them. I don't even know how to.

First, he has blown my birthday off. Again. He did it last year, too. I did ask him last year why he did. He said he remembered it, thought about it, then let it go and got distracted. This from a man who had bought me birthday presents the 4 prior years. I know him. This isn't really a distraction. This is a conscious choice to indicate to people that he feels they are not up to his standards, so it's a passive aggressive thing on his part.

So, again, I am the recipient of this quiet message that he wants me to know that I haven't jumped high enough for him to value my feelings. He knows he is being hurtful.  I just feel sad that he wants to do this. Makes me want to just walk away without a word and disappear.

Ok... the big thing, now.

The women he cheated on me with... .her sister contacted me on facebook yesterday. She had an unhappy story to tell. Allegedly my boyfriend got the other woman pregnant about 2 years ago. The lady opted to terminate the pregnancy on Valentine's Day 2013.

I feel like I have been kicked in the head. I don't even know what to do or say. So far, I decided to go quiet since I received the mail.

He still has me blocked on facebook. As far as I know the other woman is still his friend there, and probably he still talks to her. I was already very troubled about that. It's badly aggravated how I feel over being cheated on.

A possible baby ( even one that didn't come to term)  exponentially complicates the situation - particularly in my feelings- and I have no idea what to do, if anything. It's a big thing to me.

It hits home partly because I had hoped to have another child. I am starting to get to the age where it may not be a good idea, and the first thing I think and feel is "he gave my baby to her and she killed it  :'( "

And on Valentine's day? how can a person ever forget that?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

 

Happy Birthday! 

Wow... .

Here is my first impression... .there was no pregnancy... .this is some cruel thing. 

Next thought... .we'll never know for sure.   

Have you replied to the person that sent this?  I would limit any communication about this.

What is your status with a T?

Do you have any kind of timeline for you?

Timeline would be... .I will be able to address r/s issues with my boyfriend by (fill in date)... .or I will move on with my life.

That doesn't mean leave him behind... .he has a choice to follow... .

Good job with calm... .there are benefits to that... .

FF

[Daniell85]

I didn't answer that person. Am not going to.

It seems possible to me. I guess in some ways I am very lucky, as boyfriend rarely approaches me in a confrontive state or complains or starts drama. I get drama and upsets when *I* am the one trying to address things with him. I pretty much dropped that effort for now.

The unlucky part is he lies by omission and big scary painful things tend to leap out of nowhere. It's always an awful shock to me.

I haven't found a new therapist yet. I haven't been looking. I guess I haven't been ready to pick back up. I have been processing a lot of things the last therapist touched on. So it's slowing me down on upset reactions. I think, where is this energy coming from... .what's really behind it. So that's been really productive for me. I have a lot more inner peace.

My timeline... .it's honestly based on what I know of what he is tolerant to. If I am actually able to stay calm with him, I could maybe start to address things with him for real after 3 months or so. Little things. If I am able to handle that in a way that doesn't make him feel cornered and blamed, then other issues could be addressed.

He has expressed that he does feel really impacted by how I communicate things. I can see his point. I have become many times very angry at him... .but it's been after I already tried politely and calmly and got a nasty backlash.

So I guess my skills need to be worked on.

Thanks for the happy birthday, it cheers me

[formflier]

  but it's been after I already tried politely and calmly and got a nasty backlash.

If you try politely and calmly... .and there is any sort of backlash... .end that interaction... .

Here is the thing... .it probably appears to him that you are "chasing" him... or after him... .(for something).

Perhaps if the tables get turned and he begins to chase you... .and the only way for him to catch you is being communicating about things... .well... .maybe.

It's a long shot.

Great analogy I heard the other day... .

A r/s is a seesaw... .if one person does more of one thing... .the seesaw gets unbalanced... .only one can be up or down at one time.

Somehow... .you need to get in position to find out if he is going to chase after you... .

Or... some hard truth... .

If he is toying with you... .is only in it because you chase him.

Does this make sense?

Either way... .my hope for you... .my prayer for you... .is to put you in the driver seat of your life... .and your r/s.


FF

[Daniell85]

He is very self contained. a self described introvert. So he needs time alone in order to feel ok.

I actually talked to him at one point about him not approaching me. At this point he says he is scared of what mood I may be in, so he waits for me to initiate conversation a lot. He specifically says he does not want to step into a situation where I am upset and he gets it in the face.

I could point out that most of the time I am not simmering here about anything enough to smack him when he speaks. I am just happy when he begins a conversation. It is, he explains, all a part of how he feels he cannot trust me to behave calmly.

I think honestly, fair or not, he will wait a few months to put himself forward more than he is. His perception is he is in danger.

So he makes himself available to me so if I say something to him, he responds fairly quickly ( half an hour at most) and wants to chat.

[formflier]

so he waits for me to initiate conversation a lot.

A clever way to get you to "chase" him... .

You deserve to be chased some... .let him pursue... .

FF

[Daniell85]

I've been through this before. Once he is satisfied that I am not going to pounce on him, he starts initiating.

It's a bit different this time around, I don't feel the degree of anxiety I was and the urge ( as I posted prior) to try and fix has calmed down.

I am guessing it won't be productive to ask about the baby thing. I am worried about it being true and I am afraid this is not the last I will hear of it.

[formflier]

I've been through this before. Once he is satisfied that I am not going to pounce on him, he starts initiating.

It's a bit different this time around, I don't feel the degree of anxiety I was and the urge ( as I posted prior) to try and fix has calmed down.

I am guessing it won't be productive to ask about the baby thing. I am worried about it being true and I am afraid this is not the last I will hear of it.

If you worry about it... the person that sent you the message "wins".

Tell you what... .why not try this exercise for a bit.

Assume it's true.  Even the valentines day part...

Then what?

FF

[Daniell85]

Then I trust him less. And I already don't trust him.

Then it adds to the hurt I already feel.

A lot of the struggle I am having with these kinds of things, is this is my life too.

I understand sometimes you have to let time pass and people calm before a discussion can be had. On his part, if it's true, he already knows it. He already knows it will hurt me, impact me. That valentines day will be a reminder.

At the same time, concealing things ( him ) in order to regain my trust faster and not have to account for his actions to me ( and I feel he owes me a degree of respect as another human being ) is fraudulent behavior and intention on an emotional level. We hadn't broken up over the cheating at the point the supposed pregnancy happened. I didn't know he was cheating right then.

I am troubled. These are damaging things. I'm doubtful that it's healthy for me or him, long term to pretend it doesn't exist.

If I asked him about it now, he would probably goes on the defensive and be very unkind to me. I don't feel like a big bust up now. The holidays are coming and I would rather be troubled than flat out in complete misery over an argument with someone who reacted on me in really painful ways.

Self preservation maybe? I care how I feel.

[Daniell85]

Well it's true. I asked him and he said it was true.

I said ok and I left the conversation.

Now what do I do?

[formflier]

Well it's true. I asked him and he said it was true.

I said ok and I left the conversation.

Now what do I do?

That's up to you.

You are facing some hard truth.

Is this the type of guy you want to be in a relationship with?

 

There are lots of things we (and I) can help you with... .but the decision to stay... .or leave... .is so immensely personal... .really not a good idea for me to say what you should do.

Hope that makes sense.

If you were advising someone you cared about... .that was in this situation... .what would you tell them?  Why?

FF

[Daniell85]

It's pretty easy to tell other people what to do when you yourself don't have to live with the consequences. I am not big on telling other people to ditch someone. At the same time, I think reality about what a person is putting themselves into needs to be faced at some point.


Funnily ( not really funny ) I asked him and he said if he had to tell me the truth, HE "will be upset for a long, long  time."

I said it's fair to treat each other with honesty. So he told me.

I guess I had some forewarning. Maybe I am in shock.

So he is off being "upset for a long time". And I don't know why it's worse for him to tell the truth than it is for me to hear it.

I want to understand that because I am interpreting his statement as he was threatening me with absence and silent treatment if I get the truth. What am I supposed to do about THAT?

And NO, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who does those things. I want to be in a relationship with someone who learns from mistakes and cares how I am impacted.

Am I misunderstanding the threat of punishment?

And he was reaching out to me on his own. He had just started again.

[formflier]

  What am I supposed to do about THAT?

And NO, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who does those things. I want to be in a relationship with someone who learns from mistakes and cares how I am impacted.

Am I misunderstanding the threat of punishment?

And he was reaching out to me on his own. He had just started again.

Not supposed to do anything with that.

Does he learn from his mistakes and care about how he is impacted?

I think you are misunderstanding the threat.  He may be threatening... but... .don't go looking for threats. 

Here is the thing... .  How would you feel if you had a deep dark secret... .and you felt like you were forced to "give it up".

Again... this assumes all of this is true.  There is no way for you to know for sure... .

Not a good thing to go investigating things like this... .the investigation usually does more damage than the issue being investigated.

And... at the end of everything... you still have to figure out if you are going to believe something or not.

FF

[Daniell85]

He cheated on me. After asking me to marry him. He asked me to marry him Christmas 2012. She was already pregnant.

As far as me investigating, someone else threw this at me. A child... .a life. This is an important thing. It's how I feel. It feels very strange to me that you would say that my asking (investigating) if it was true was somehow wrong. That *I* am damaging the relationship because I asked.

That feels way off to me.

I have a secret I never told anyone. It was something that happened to me. I was an innocent person.

See, it's a dark secret. My intention is not to mislead someone into trusting me by not telling them that secret. I had another secret that I shared with my boyfriend. He told the other woman and she threw it in my face.

Often I feel like the woman in Sophie's Choice. There is no "good" choice. So you pick what you think is the lesser evil.

The lesser evil is that I get to know the truth and base my life choices on that truth. Unlike what happened with him before. He lied and I made important life choices on the basis of the lies.

That is the greater evil. A life defrauded.

[formflier]

Hey... .you are not right or wrong by listening, reading or asking about anything.

 

But... .it is also critically important "how" you think things through when you are figuring out things that you consider to be "truth" in your life.

Daniell85,

Listen... you are a solid member of the staying board.  I really like being in threads with you.  You have a lot of great insight that you share with people.

I care about you and how you like at life.  I care about good outcomes for you.

I've done tons of investigations in my day.  Lots of them were based on "he said/she said"

So... I really want you to think through that you don't know what happened.  You know what you have been told.

Think about that for a minute.  

My remembrance is that your SO has played a little fast and loose with the truth before...

I also remember what I would call "game playing" around who he was with, why he was with them... .was it work or "fun" or whatever.  But it seemed to me like he was into games.

Those two things were setting off     to me when you got this information unsolicited.

Two options... .both are cruel.  Both are games people are playing with you.

1.  The story is not true... and was told to you in order to "toy" with you.

2.  The story is true and was told to you in order to... .?  (make you feel good... .or cause you pain?)  Which would it be?

Last thought on the games thing.  People that like to play games... .usually hang around with other people that like to play games... .such as the person that reached out to you on FB.

He cheated on me. After asking me to marry him. He asked me to marry him Christmas 2012. She was already pregnant.

If this is true.  Either way... .he was cheating.

As far as me investigating, someone else threw this at me. A child... .a life. This is an important thing. It's how I feel. It feels very strange to me that you would say that my asking (investigating) if it was true was somehow wrong. That *I* am damaging the relationship because I asked.

And you picked up what they tossed... .  Again... that is not right or wrong... .but other peoples words don't require you to do anything.  

My comments on damage are not just to the r/s.  To you, to him, to the r/s... .to other people that may be touched.  And listen... .if it is not true... .the damage is still there to you.  If they are game playing and not "damaged"... .you still are.  

Ok... you may want to substitute "hurt" for "damaged"... .but I think you get the idea I am trying to go with.

That feels way off to me.

I have a secret I never told anyone. It was something that happened to me. I was an innocent person.

See, it's a dark secret. My intention is not to mislead someone into trusting me by not telling them that secret. I had another secret that I shared with my boyfriend. He told the other woman and she threw it in my face.

Yep... .that is a sick game.  I wonder what other sick games that people like this would play?

Often I feel like the woman in Sophie's Choice. There is no "good" choice. So you pick what you think is the lesser evil.

The lesser evil is that I get to know the truth and base my life choices on that truth. Unlike what happened with him before. He lied and I made important life choices on the basis of the lies.

That is the greater evil. A life defrauded.

You don't get to know the truth... . I'm really sorry... .but you don't.

You get to know what they told you.  The people that told you may... or may not be telling the truth.

I still think you can base big decisions on what you have been told.  Because that does shine light on the character of these people.  Specifically your SO.

Again... I can only imagine the pain here.  I also understand the value of a life.  I've successfully pleaded for the life of a baby that one of my Sailors was going to terminate.

I had to tell her that if there were complications from the abortion that the feds would not cover it (because of regulations at the time).  That was the business part.

Then I had a talk to her about morality and life choices.  She ended up having a baby boy.

 

Hang in there... .please think about this post... .

Your feelings are real... .let them flow... .

FF

[Daniell85]

He told me it was true and he is clearly very upset. Or seems to be.  I really hate to think that he would admit to something awful just to hurt me.

You mentioned the other day to wait for him to contact me more and I was sitting here thinking you are right. I figured I was in for a big wait. And that day he contacted me on his own and I was feeling more optimistic.


I think the story was told to me to upset me. I am upset.

Keeping these kinds of secrets, my own thoughts are that when you compartmentalize your life in order to get by, you lose part of yourself in the process. You can't give what is needed in a relationship or to your own self. People end up holding way back in order to preserve the secret.

I guess I just wanted it out in the open so it didn't bite later when/if relationship was restored.

Will think on what you have said. Thank you.   

[Flexion]

Things with my boyfriend have been calm. This is the thing that always really scares me. He can appear very peaceful on the surface, but behind the scenes... .


The last few weeks have been very quiet. He rarely "disregulates" openly unless he feels he is being "attacked".

If he feels that way, then the ugly comes out.

I am deeply unhappy. Sad, disappointed, angry. Particularly after the last two days.

First, I have been letting issues lie. Not because I think I should let them go, but because I can't address anything with him, he won't allow it. Second, I felt that if an extended calm period passed, we would both calm down and build up some good will, and then issues could be addressed.

He, himself, told me this was his own thought, too. I haven't been very optimistic about it, though, because I know the moment he feels he is attacked, the nastiness will begin. By blocking, silent treatments. I have a deep seated rage and pain over how he has treated me, and I am not sure when I will be up for being the recipient of more of it.

This brings me to a couple of things that are actively upsetting me. I haven't talked to him about them. I don't even know how to.

First, he has blown my birthday off. Again. He did it last year, too. I did ask him last year why he did. He said he remembered it, thought about it, then let it go and got distracted. This from a man who had bought me birthday presents the 4 prior years. I know him. This isn't really a distraction. This is a conscious choice to indicate to people that he feels they are not up to his standards, so it's a passive aggressive thing on his part.

So, again, I am the recipient of this quiet message that he wants me to know that I haven't jumped high enough for him to value my feelings. He knows he is being hurtful.  I just feel sad that he wants to do this. Makes me want to just walk away without a word and disappear.

Ok... the big thing, now.

The women he cheated on me with... .her sister contacted me on facebook yesterday. She had an unhappy story to tell. Allegedly my boyfriend got the other woman pregnant about 2 years ago. The lady opted to terminate the pregnancy on Valentine's Day 2013.

I feel like I have been kicked in the head. I don't even know what to do or say. So far, I decided to go quiet since I received the mail.

He still has me blocked on facebook. As far as I know the other woman is still his friend there, and probably he still talks to her. I was already very troubled about that. It's badly aggravated how I feel over being cheated on.

A possible baby ( even one that didn't come to term)  exponentially complicates the situation - particularly in my feelings- and I have no idea what to do, if anything. It's a big thing to me.

It hits home partly because I had hoped to have another child. I am starting to get to the age where it may not be a good idea, and the first thing I think and feel is "he gave my baby to her and she killed it  :'( "

And on Valentine's day? how can a person ever forget that?

Wow... .Sorry bout your birthday! WEll, Happy birthday!

I can definitely feel the pain. I am at the place I can't hardly take another day!  IN fact, I told her off in a nice way yesterday. Then, let her soak in what she had been saying to me... .Especially when i do NOT personally attack her or verbally abuse. she, as she does every time, goes right for my throat with her attacks.

SHe finally apologized for the mean crap she was saying and when I loosened up, she immediately put all the blame on me for acting that way.

I ended the texts with " there is absolutely zero reason for anyone to talk to their spouse that way!"

Cheating would put me over the edge! I am sorry you had to deal with that. As a man, it's still painful to think about, as my first marriage ended that way. God I don't even want to think about her cheating. I have asked numerous places about the probability of UBPDW cheating. She seems very rooted in her disgust with infidelity. I guess seeing the way her mom was growing up disgusted her at some point, so she never had many sexual partners. But, due to my ex cheating, that creeps in.

I know it's hard to deal with some chic getting pregnant by your man. Then, terminating it like a piece of trash. This bothers you for a reason... .It's not right!

Stay strong and keep your eyes on YOU!

[formflier]

 

Just keep remembering... .you know what you have been told.

Either way it is upsetting news.

   

FF

[Flexion]

Just keep remembering... .you know what you have been told.

Either way it is upsetting news.

   

FF

For real, I do. This is my way of venting and getting others ideas. This birthday thing has bothered me every year.

[Daniell85]

 I started another thread. I am pretty unhappy about all of this.

You know, I realize we are dealing with people who think differently due to BPD. I try to understand. I am having a really hard time even wanting to try to cope with someone who clearly crossed so many lines, yet tries to make me the bad guy and then mistreats me more.


I am guessing my brain really isn't wrapping around accepting that this person in my life really thinks all of this stuff is something I should be accepting cruel and unkind behavior over.

I don't have the same problems other people here are having. My ex husband has ADD. I learned just to shut the door if it was open without comment 20 years ago. I just shut the door if it's open. I pick up the half empty coffee cup and wash it. I make enough money that I don't have to rely on unreliable people.

I mean I just do what needs done and I accept doing it.

The big problem is how I am being made fun of or kicked around emotionally when it was ME cheated on and lied to. It was me who was stalked and harassed by the other woman, it is ME who sits here today knowing he got her pregnant. It may be old news to him, but it's new news to me.

It hurts. Why retaliate against me? I didn't do any thing like that to anyone ever.

Not to whine. It just feels so butt backwards.