Hello

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!

My name is Cat, and my Mother has BPD. I started seeing a counselor a year and a half ago for an unrelated issue, and she has helped me a ton with my Mother. My biggest problem besides my mom was that my Dad often told me to do whatever I had to do to appease mom so that we would have peace in the household. I'm sure as you all know, it is very difficult to please a BPD and keep a solid state of mind, especially as an adolescent trying to figure out where you fit in the world. I am 18, almost 19 now and about to go home from my first semester of college for thanksgiving break.

I am a division 1 athlete and due to NCAA regulations my sport is allowed one month of "fall-ball," games. That was October. My family came down every weekend, but the last weekend things got pretty heated between me and my mother. Nothing more than usual, but the topic of choice was driving 6 hours the day we get out to make my Grandmother(her mothers,) surprise 80th birthday party. I would be fine with this, but I did not know if I would have practice that day or not so I told her I would have to see. She obviously wasn't satisfied with this answer, especially since she believes my Coach hates her. She told me it was disturbing that I wasn't going to try to make my Grandmothers party, and slammed a door.

That wasn't the bad part. Later that night I was texting my father and i explained to him how my Grandmother seemed to think I was not thankful for her and that was stressing me out, and mom was also stressing me out. Both parties are trying to make me feel guilty and it hurt my feelings. Mom walked in after Dad received the message and forced him to show her.

Me and Dad got into a huge argument and I stood up for myself which was good. It ended with me saying that I stopped being a kid when I started being held responsible for Moms feelings.

Dad came to his senses, apologized the next day, and said he was done being Mom's emotional repairman. I was excited for him but I doubted it would last.

3 weeks later I get a call from him. She has banned one of my friends she does not like from the house for when I come home(it's legal, her name is on the deed,) wouldn't tell me or Dad why. Dad then went on to explain that things were quickly unraveling. They are, in his words, 85% yes getting a divorce, 15% no.

He warned me that he had no idea what this week would entail. She has decided she is not going to his side of the familys thanksgiving(which includes me, him, and another grandmother who's husband died less than 4 months ago,) and is spending multiple days at her Mothers house next week. She is enraged at me because I don't try and talk to her and because I text Dad about her, but he has not showed her the rest of our conversations. It would not surprise me if she has seen them though because she looks through his stuff all the time.

I have enough regular money that if things go sideways I can go and rent a hotel room. I'm just completely dreading it. I know she can only hurt me if I let her, but it is still scary.

Anyone else have experiences like this?

Nice to meet you all!

Cat

[kxCobra]

Hello!

My name is Cat, and my Mother has BPD. I started seeing a counselor a year and a half ago for an unrelated issue, and she has helped me a ton with my Mother. My biggest problem besides my mom was that my Dad often told me to do whatever I had to do to appease mom so that we would have peace in the household. I'm sure as you all know, it is very difficult to please a BPD and keep a solid state of mind, especially as an adolescent trying to figure out where you fit in the world. I am 18, almost 19 now and about to go home from my first semester of college for thanksgiving break.

I am a division 1 athlete and due to NCAA regulations my sport is allowed one month of "fall-ball," games. That was October. My family came down every weekend, but the last weekend things got pretty heated between me and my mother. Nothing more than usual, but the topic of choice was driving 6 hours the day we get out to make my Grandmother(her mothers,) surprise 80th birthday party. I would be fine with this, but I did not know if I would have practice that day or not so I told her I would have to see. She obviously wasn't satisfied with this answer, especially since she believes my Coach hates her. She told me it was disturbing that I wasn't going to try to make my Grandmothers party, and slammed a door.

That wasn't the bad part. Later that night I was texting my father and i explained to him how my Grandmother seemed to think I was not thankful for her and that was stressing me out, and mom was also stressing me out. Both parties are trying to make me feel guilty and it hurt my feelings. Mom walked in after Dad received the message and forced him to show her.

Me and Dad got into a huge argument and I stood up for myself which was good. It ended with me saying that I stopped being a kid when I started being held responsible for Moms feelings.

Dad came to his senses, apologized the next day, and said he was done being Mom's emotional repairman. I was excited for him but I doubted it would last.

3 weeks later I get a call from him. She has banned one of my friends she does not like from the house for when I come home(it's legal, her name is on the deed,) wouldn't tell me or Dad why. Dad then went on to explain that things were quickly unraveling. They are, in his words, 85% yes getting a divorce, 15% no.

He warned me that he had no idea what this week would entail. She has decided she is not going to his side of the familys thanksgiving(which includes me, him, and another grandmother who's husband died less than 4 months ago,) and is spending multiple days at her Mothers house next week. She is enraged at me because I don't try and talk to her and because I text Dad about her, but he has not showed her the rest of our conversations. It would not surprise me if she has seen them though because she looks through his stuff all the time.

I have enough regular money that if things go sideways I can go and rent a hotel room. I'm just completely dreading it. I know she can only hurt me if I let her, but it is still scary.

Anyone else have experiences like this?

Nice to meet you all!

Cat

[Kwamina]

Hi kxCobra

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to our online community

Dealing with a BPD parent can be quite challenging indeed as you (unfortunately) know quite well based on your post. It is good that you have a support network in the form of your counselor to help you with these things. Having a solid support network can greatly help.

Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or perhaps some other disorder? Has she (as far as you know) ever gotten any kind of targeted treatment or therapy for her issues?

The way your dad has handled things in the past is unfortunate and concerning. You indeed were made responsible for your mother's feelings and reactions which is a very big burden for a child to bear. I hope he has now truly come to his senses and will stop making you responsible for your mother's feelings. yet given your experiences with him so far, I totally understand your skepticism about him being able to keep it up though. Time will tell. You can't control his behavior anyway so the most important thing for you right now is indeed to focus on what you can do yourself to deal with your mother's problematic behavior.

Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your parents? How does the thought of setting firm boundaries with them make you feel?

Great that you were able to stand up to your dad He unfortunately seems to have been enabling your mother's problematic behavior. Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

Good luck with your sporting career