Do Nons always need to initiate divorce?

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I've been on the message board for a week.  It seems that even though the person with BPD ends the relationship, they never file for divorce.  Am I wrong about this?

[Joem678]

I've been on the message board for a week.  It seems that even though the person with BPD ends the relationship, they never file for divorce.  Am I wrong about this?

[jimmy99]

I've been on the message board for a week.  It seems that even though the person with BPD ends the relationship, they never file for divorce.  Am I wrong about this?

My exBPD filed for divorce against her husband. She couldn't say one good thing about him our whole relationship(1 year+). They co-parented two children so they came in contact with each other frequently. One day my ex is saying she wants to grow old with me and get married. Literally the next day she said she is giving her ex another chance because he apologized for everything he had done.

[Joem678]

Jimmy99 thanks for responding.  I think you were on the receiving end of the people BPD.  If you read my posts you will see that my wife drops her partners just like you were dropped.  I never understood it.  She would tell men that she was going through a divorce but never filed and never lost contact with me.  One day she would just drop them.  I'm expecting that to happen again.   I was the topic of their conversations and the reason the relationships start.  They would feel sorry for her. 

[goateeki]

My answer to your question is, you're probably not wrong.  Because triangulation and supply are so important to the pwBPD.  My diagnosed ex wife can be super chatty, even now, while I have no energy to speak to her or even look at her.  I think it's because I'm in touch with the reality of the situation (divorce) and the effects it has on the children, and she is fixated on any supply she can find.

I really want to have as little to do with her as possible. Not because I hate her, but because I don't like the person she is, especially after the insanity of the last few years of our marriage.  I don't know why she would not feel the same way. 

[Teereese]

Overall, perhaps.

In my case, yes.

My stbxh threatened divorce and yelled about it a lot but refused to file. I had to.

<sarcasm> He wasn't going to waste his time and money to divorce my controlling, worthless rear end. </sarcasm>

He actually wanted a mediator and us to split the cost. I knew mediation would have been a hot mess and waste of money. He does not negotiate well.

Plus, he gets the added bonus of being able to paint me black to all who will listen for filing.

[Michelle27]

While mine hasn't officially filed, he has retained a lawyer to put together an offer of settlement which I'm expecting any day now.  Like in everything else, despite the similarities in behaviors, all people with BPD are not exactly alike. 

That said, I'm pretty sure that left to his own devices, my ex wouldn't be doing anything but his sister, once again, is coming to his rescue and is likely financing the lawyer fees.  But leaving me of course now 5 months without child support and 3 months without any contact with our daughter.  Grr.

[English Sid]

My lawyer is trying to contact my ex via email regarding myself filing for divorce from her.

As of yet she has not responded and I don't know where she is, so not sure at this moment in time whether she is playing games or not.

[Popcorn71]

Although my exBPDh left and immediately had a replacement, he kept saying that he didn't want a divorce.  He even asked, after a few months, if we could just sort out the financial agreement but not the divorce!

I never did understand this.  If he didn't want me why didn't he want to divorce me.  Now I can see that it would have been a way to have triangulation going on ... .just as he did with his ex wife when I met him.  He didn't divorce her until I organised it all for him.  I didn't realize at the time, but he was making me feel very insecure and jealous because he still had a lot to do with his ex.  I think he was trying to do this between me and the replacement but I stuck to my guns and divorced him in record time!  Maybe the replacement wonders why I wanted to get rid of him so quickly

[Mutt]

My ex wife wanted a divorce and moved out and came out with her boyfriend. I wasn't informed about BPD and she was avoidant with talking about seperation agreements. I was confused because she was done with the marriage and didn't want to divorce. She was denying access and custody with the kids and I wanted to get that done on paper first. The family courts would at least listen to the parents at trial and you don't get a chance to voice your opinion in divorce court. I suspect that laws are different in different countries and States. I filed in family court and she retained a lawyer and wanted to move it to divorce court. I didn't have a lawyer with the court mediator and I was asked if mediation or moving it to divorce court was an option and I said a clear no. I was worried that she would stall with the divorce and we had to wait for a full 12 months with separation before dissolving the marriage.

I think that it was too emotional for her and that's a reason why she didn't want to talk about the divorce and honestly the divorce decree was granted last month and she projected that the courts issued the divorce and I think that she feels like she failed. I believe that she wanted to cement her relationship with her boyfriend because she had wanted to do things together and often it was with the kids in mind. I refused to, I was in a lot of pain and hurt after discovering she was having an affair in our marriage and was insulted with how she was invalidating my feelings. She had approached me around the year and a half mark and wanted to rekindle our friendship fir the sake of our kids. I suspect that things were not going well in the relationship because I had noticed that I was no longer split black and I was split white for the first time in three years. That said, i had shamed her when I gave her an angrily response and mentioned the affair. Two months after that exchange she sent an email and said that she didn't want me to hear it from the kids that they were having a baby. I had taken the advice from a lawyer about letting her file for divorce because she will likely be impulsive and give into concessions because she'll most likely want to divorce to get married. After the news with the baby I had a feeling it was going to be a matter of time and her lawyer filed and within a few months it was granted in divorce court. I wanted to keep my pension, she quietly ended the marriage and above all I got almost all if the provisions that I wanted in my custody arrangements in our divorce. I got what I wanted which was court appointed boundaries for the kids.