Feeling a bit sickened

[vortex of confusion]

I took a break from the forums for a while because I needed to gather my wits about me. Before taking a break, I was posting primarily on the Staying Board. Before jumping back into posting, I have been reading through some of my old posts, especially ones that I posted here on the Leaving Board.

As I read through MY posts from October of 2014, I realize that nothing has really changed. My husband's relationship with the kids has improved drastically but that is about it.

I found a letter that I wrote and posted here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235692.0

I am horrified at the fact that here it is a year later and things haven't really changed that much. My husband and I had agreed that there would be no more ad posting or answering and that if either of us found somebody else, it had to be done through normal means. In other words, if he or I met somebody worth dating in the course of doing normal stuff, it would be okay. Well, I met a really awesome guy while going about the business of living and caring for my kids. The guy didn't believe that my husband was not only okay with me dating him but was actually encouraging it. So, I started a conversation between the three of us and my husband told this other guy, point blank, it is okay if you date my wife and it is okay if you have sex with her. He even went so far as to tell this guy that he wouldn't be disappointed (and yes, he was bragging about me being good at certain things).

As part of our "open relationship" agreement, I thought that I was pretty clear that posting and answering online ads was out of the question. Well, the minute that I told him about my relationship, he was back to posting and answering ads. He is supposedly a sex addict yet tries to tell me that him posting and answering ads isn't a violation of his sobriety. He tells me that all of his problems stem from the fact that he has been struggling with his sexual identity and that he is, in fact, bisexual. I don't care if he is bisexual. If that is the case, then it seems to me that he should be looking for men, not women. In all honesty, I don't even care about this stuff any more. I am done worrying about him and whether he is SA or bisexual or who knows what. I am including this background information.

And, my husband has gone on quite a bit about how he is built for polyamorous relationships, blah, blah, blah. I can say with some level of certainty that I am not built that way. I get jealous of the thought of my partner being with somebody else. I don't feel good about my husband being okay with me being with somebody else. Quite frankly, I feel like my husband has repeatedly thrown me away. I feel like a piece of trash that my husband has thrown away and given to the first poor sucker that would have me.

I am rambling here. I am just feeling really kind of sick at my stomach that I seem to have made so little progress in a years time.

I know that I have to continue to live with him for financial reasons and kid reasons. I guess I am looking for advice or input about how to leave while living in the same physical space. For the last year, I have let him string me along with his half hearted attempts at counseling. I have let him guilt me into continuing the physical aspects of our relationship. When I have tried to discuss some of these things with him, he just doesn't seem to get why I might be upset. It is like he has normalized this kind of behavior and I am supposed to do the same.

I can no longer normalize his behavior. I can no longer tolerate the fact that he can only be physical with me if I talk about other men. I cannot and will not do it. I told him this last week. I told him that our relationship is essentially over. He started to protest and I told him flat out, "If you have a problem with this, you are free to leave."

I really need to get this stuff out somewhere. Are there other people out there that are continuing to live with their spouses even though the relationship is over? If so, how do you do it? Some days, he acts like everything is great and wonderful and like nothing ever happened. It feels like the ultimate dismissal. I don't know how I expect him to act. On one hand, I am relieved that he isn't throwing fits or raging or being too big of a jerk. He continues to do his annoying passive aggressive stuff. On the other hand, it further cements the fact that it seems like he is not and never will be invested in anyone or anything but himself.

And how do I act? I don't have any interest in doing stuff with him outside of the kids. I don't want him touching me. I don't want him kissing me goodbye. I don't mind talking to him but I do not want anything to do with anything that even remotely resembles any kind of romantic relationship. He and I are friends and coparents and that is where I want things to stop.

[Turkish]

It seems like you started letting him call the shots here, but now you're not ok with it at all.

Given the kids and financial reasons, is there a time line here? I had to live with my Ex for 4 months while she was living a double life. By the middle of the 3rd month, there was an end in site. If there wasn't, I don't know how I would have survived.

It sounds like you aren't ok at all with the way things are. Being in limbo only hurts you, nevermnd that he's ok "living in the grey," as a friend of mine once put it.

[vortex of confusion]

It seems like you started letting him call the shots here, but now you're not ok with it at all.

Hmmm. . .I feel like I tried to say what I wanted but it fell on deaf ears. In the process, what I wanted got lost and shoved aside. I spent a lot of time trying to communicate with him only to lose myself in the process.

Given the kids and financial reasons, is there a time line here? I had to live with my Ex for 4 months while she was living a double life. By the middle of the 3rd month, there was an end in site. If there wasn't, I don't know how I would have survived.

I do not have a timeline. At one point, I was focusing on a five year plan and trying to work on figuring out how to stay. Now, I am feeling like I still want peace but will essentially be moving on with my life and doing my thing, which includes dating and NOT letting him know anything about it. His voyeuristic tendencies are kind of creepy. I tried things his way and it did not work for me.

It sounds like you aren't ok at all with the way things are. Being in limbo only hurts you, nevermnd that he's ok "living in the grey," as a friend of mine once put it.

I don't feel like I am in limbo so much because I have committed myself to being done. Last night, he and I had a long conversation. He was trying to back pedal about some things and play the "poor me" stuff. He was going on about how horrible he is and how he wishes he had never done this or that. In the past, I would cave and soothe him. I did not cave and I did not soothe him.

He kept pushing things and I kept standing my ground. I told him that I am done. He says he can't live like this and I told that is fine and that he can leave whenever he wants. He was rambling on about this and that. I told him "I will NOT be growing old with you." After several years of pushing me off on other people, he is finally saying that he is jealous and angry. In my book, it is too late for that. It is too late for anything.

I feel bad for one of the things that I said but at the same time, I am glad that I said it. I told him, "You have gotten so excited about me being with other people. Now, you can spend the rest of your life watching me with somebody else." I was not mad or angry when I said it. The whole conversation was completely calm. I didn't fight with him. I just laid it out there as "this is where things are". There is zero chance of him winning me back or getting me to be emotionally invested him ever again. He has told me, "Let's give it a year" for several years now.

I guess all of this is to say that I don't feel like I am in limbo any more. Something inside me has finally clicked. The horror of some of the stuff that he has done is finally sinking in.

[Panda39]

Hi Vortex,

I know that I have to continue to live with him for financial reasons and kid reasons.

So you are financially dependent?  Do you feel that you would not receive child support or enough child support if you left your marriage? Have you consulted with a lawyer to see what kind of options you have? How long until you feel that you could make it financially on your own?

I guess I am looking for advice or input about how to leave while living in the same physical space.

 

IMO you can't have it both ways and be happy.  I spent years in a marriage where I stayed for the financially stability and for my son.  For 10 years there was no sex, I wanted less and less to do with my husband, gradually the love died too but I stayed so I could raise my son in a financially stable environment.  (Emotionally things were not so stable)  It was my choice to stay but it also just made my life stuck.  I was still married so dating (for me/my values) was not an option. So there we all were in our new townhouse, my alcoholic ex husband drunk in the basement, and my son and I trying to have the normal life in suburbia... .keeping up appearances.  Did my son get all of the material things he required yes, did he have a loving happy home life? I did my best but no he didn't and there have been repercussions for him because of his childhood.

And how do I act? I don't have any interest in doing stuff with him outside of the kids. I don't want him touching me. I don't want him kissing me goodbye. I don't mind talking to him but I do not want anything to do with anything that even remotely resembles any kind of romantic relationship. He and I are friends and coparents and that is where I want things to stop.

The last 4 years of my marriage living like I and you describe (minimal interaction) above finally lead me down the path to depression.  By then my son was 16 and would be going to college soon and there was no way I could stay married anymore.

I finally told my husband I would be divorcing him I couldn't stay married anymore.  I wanted my life back.  My divorce was quick with very little conflict but it took a long time to sell our townhouse... .during the housing bubble... .and I had to live with him for almost a year after our divorce was final.  That was the biggest lesson in patience I have ever experienced.

I just wanted to share my story I'm not telling you to leave or to stay that decision must be yours and it is yours alone.  You have to do what you can live with.  For me though it eventually came down to  leave or stay I could not maintain a gray middle ground I really don't see how that works long term and it could potentially be confusing to your kids.

I know it sucks to feel trapped in a marriage where you are not having your needs met and you have to meet the needs of others. 

Take Care,

Panda39

[vortex of confusion]

So you are financially dependent?  Do you feel that you would not receive child support or enough child support if you left your marriage? Have you consulted with a lawyer to see what kind of options you have? How long until you feel that you could make it financially on your own?

I haven't consulted with a lawyer. I haven't been emotionally ready. I can't help but feel kind of stupid for letting things go on like this. I don't have any answers to these questions. I am not completely financially dependent. I work but he brings home the lion's share of the money. With 4 kids, it is hard enough to accomplish things on our combined incomes.

IMO you can't have it both ways and be happy.  I spent years in a marriage where I stayed for the financially stability and for my son.  For 10 years there was no sex, I wanted less and less to do with my husband, gradually the love died too but I stayed so I could raise my son in a financially stable environment.

I keep hoping that I can find a way to have it both ways. I know deep down that I am not going to be able to leave him and live in the same space. I am so afraid that I won't be able to care for 4 kids on my own. Even with 2 incomes, things are not financially stable. It has taken me this long to make it to this point. I am really feeling down about my inability to make more progress more quickly.

I just wanted to share my story I'm not telling you to leave or to stay that decision must be yours and it is yours alone.  You have to do what you can live with.  For me though it eventually came down to  leave or stay I could not maintain a gray middle ground I really don't see how that works long term and it could potentially be confusing to your kids.

I know it sucks to feel trapped in a marriage where you are not having your needs met and you have to meet the needs of others. 

I am going to leave. Emotionally, I am already gone. I just have to work up the courage to actually do it.

Last night, my oldest daughter and I were joking around about the dog being spoiled. I made some kind of silly remark like, "Who in this house isn't spoiled?" My daughter didn't say a word and just pointed at me to indicate that I am the only one in the house that isn't spoiled. My oldest daughter gets really upset with her dad because she sees that he doesn't take care of me or look out for me. She has said, "Mom, you take care of everyone and look out for everyone but nobody takes care of you. Will you let me take care of you mom?" I tell her no, she is my daughter and I am her mother. It is not her job to take care of me. I don't remember exactly how she said it but it was something along the lines of ":)addy won't take care of you so somebody needs to." It makes me so sad.

[babyducks]

I guess I am looking for advice or input about how to leave while living in the same physical space.

hi vortex,

I'm sorry that things have reached this point for you.   

I had one thought I will throw out there regarding sharing the same physical space.  My P used to tell me,  "babyducks put on your emotional armor."   She used to say it a lot actually.   Put on your emotional armor, deliberately build mental walls and barriers between me and the thing that was bothering me.   I had a whole bunch of thought exercises that were designed to help.   a slew of repetitive phrases that I would repeat only to myself.   my phrases included, "not my circus, not my monkey",   "I don't know that person"   "that's not my problem" "I actually don't care what you think."   the thought exercises tended to aim more for the positive, vivid guided imagery of what a free babyducks would look and feel like.   I would imagine myself in better, happier circumstance, not quite meditation, not quite daydreaming.   I'm sure the internet has a bunch of guided imagery scripts.   the guided imagery worked for me about 50% of the time, which I thought was pretty good.

ducks

[vortex of confusion]

I had one thought I will throw out there regarding sharing the same physical space.  My P used to tell me,  "babyducks put on your emotional armor."   She used to say it a lot actually.   Put on your emotional armor, deliberately build mental walls and barriers between me and the thing that was bothering me.   I had a whole bunch of thought exercises that were designed to help.   a slew of repetitive phrases that I would repeat only to myself.   my phrases included, "not my circus, not my monkey",   "I don't know that person"   "that's not my problem" "I actually don't care what you think."   the thought exercises tended to aim more for the positive, vivid guided imagery of what a free babyducks would look and feel like.   I would imagine myself in better, happier circumstance, not quite meditation, not quite daydreaming.   I'm sure the internet has a bunch of guided imagery scripts.   the guided imagery worked for me about 50% of the time, which I thought was pretty good.

I like that a lot. I know that I have been working on disengaging for a while now. I don't take the bait when he throws out passive aggressive stuff. A lot of times, I listen and nod and zone out. He doesn't listen to have an actual conversation. He listens to talk and find a way to interrupt. I sometimes sing silly songs in my head while he is droning on.

[babyducks]

I sometimes sing silly songs in my head while he is droning on.

singing silly songs works.  it's a great way to time things too, one chorus of row row row you boat and time to go find something else to do, anything else to do as long as it's at the other end of the house.

[vortex of confusion]

singing silly songs works.  it's a great way to time things too, one chorus of row row row you boat and time to go find something else to do, anything else to do as long as it's at the other end of the house.

I am going to have to remember that. I had been singing "This is the song that doesn't end" in my head. Maybe if I choose a song that actually has an end, I will get up and walk away sooner rather than let him drone on so long.