Ex Gf broke up silent treatment - please help

[Looking4insight]

Hi everyone,

I've been researching BPD and I'm really in need of some help and people to talk to. I'll try to keep this brief. So I was dating my gf for 7 months.

It was an awesome seven months. We traveled to many places , took all types of pictures and didn't have one major disagreement. One day we got in what I thought was a small fight and we stopped talking to each other for about 4 days. I reached out to her thinking this was a small thing that she was still mad about and she didn't respond.

I left her alone for two more days thinking she was still angry. It had been a week with no word so I text her are you ok (more like are you alive tone) . She responded with "I'm fine thanks". Which I thought was so cold and assumed this was her way of breaking up with me. I gave her two more days and then text her a long message saying how much I cared about our relationship and if she wanted to break up I understoodbut how breaking up by the silent treatment was so wrong. She read it and didn't respond (I was in disbelief someone could not respond to a message like that esp. Bc i told her it was ok to say it's over). I left her alone. It's so hard being dumped by the silent treatment so I was extremely depressed, I question my self worth and blamed myself for everything.

I assumed we were through but My mom texted her recently about coming to dinner for thx giving and my ex texted back with exclamation marks and agreed to come. On the same day she posted a picture with a necklace I gave her. She never came to dinner. But texted me 1:30am saying happy thanksgiving. This is the first time she has texted me in three weeks.

I guess my first question is does this sound like someone with BPD.

The only signs I have prior to this breakup was -

1. She would say thing like "I'm not ignoring you" if she took a few hrs to respond (as if she used the silent treatment  in the past)

2. She had very bad memory

3. She would do things that she knew wouldn't be ok if I did it and would say that she understood why I was concerned about them but she knows herself

4. She said her and her ex broke up because they stopped talking "they both knew it was over" ( now thinking about it she might have just made this part of , him knowing this up ). But I thought it was ok because he cheated on her in the past

Why I'm not sure -

1. She's had two long term relationships before me (2 yrs and 3 yrs)

2. She never used the silent treatment habitually

3.why is she still wearing my jewelry ? I've read pple with BPD don't have attachment to gifts ... Anyone read this?

4. I changed my fb info (not the relationship status , always was single) and pics. She doesn't use fb EVER but recently got back on fb and changed all her stuff too ... Almost like a response to me ... .

Guys any help is appreciated I'm so confused and I don't know if I'm dealing with someone with BPD ... Should I respond to this text ? What do u guys think

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[cosmonaut]

Hi Looking!    

First of all, yes it does sound like it's possibly BPD.  We can't diagnose your gf, of course, but there do seem to be some traits.

It sounds like what happened was your ex was triggered by your fight and she went silent to deal with this, or possible to punish you.  Or both.  She may have been further triggered when you mentioned breaking up.  That very likely triggered her abandonment fears - something that is fundamental in the disorder.  That significantly escalated the situation.

I know how hard the silent treatments are to deal with.  I dealt with them too.  They hurt terribly, they are hard to understand, and they often make us feel like we are to blame.  The truth is that this is just part of the disorder.  It is something that your gf is going to continue to do because this is a survival mechanism for her.  It is one of her primitive, unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with her overwhelming emotions.  It is important to realize that she doesn't have any better tools.  She can learn them, but she doesn't have them now.  So, please try to not take these silent treatments to heart as something you did or failed to do.  It's just the disorder at work.  It is a consequence of her inability to self soothe.

The best way to handle the silent treatments are to take them in stride.  Pulling her back will only push her further away.  At the same time it is critical that you not push her away or trigger her abandonment fears.  Gently reminding her that you love her is a positive thing to do.  Sometimes people with pwBPD have trouble remembering this, and they crave reassurance of your love.  Remember that one of their greatest fears is abandonment.  It is a difficult line to walk and one that we don't tend to have the proper tools to handle at first.  I understand how frustrating it is that she controls the timetable.  There's just nothing you can do to change this.  If you want to continue this relationship it will be something that you will need to work on.  Staying means that we must make changes too.  We must recognize that our partner has special needs and limitations.  Acceptance is a huge part of a relationship with a pwBPD.  We have to accept them as they are - and that includes the fact that they are disordered.

I'd recommend spending some time when you have it looking through the Tools Section.  This is the toolkit that you will need to learn how to use to improve your relationship.  These will teach you how to better communicate with your gf and how to better handle and defuse the situations when she is dysregulating.  The senior members here can help with learning more about these, and also are here to support you.  Relationships with a partner with BPD are hard.  They can also be very rewarding, but there is no question that they require constant work.  We have to be the rock in the relationship.

I'm sorry for all that you are going through.  I know that this is very painful and it is scary to not know or understand what is going on.  Spend some time here learning more about the disorder.  That will help a lot.  We're all here for you.

Edit:  Yes, I would respond to her text.  Keep it short.  Don't blame.  Just say something like "Happy Thanksgiving.  Was thinking of you today.  Hope all is well."

[Palladio]

Silent treatment is nothing short of emotional abuse,BPD or not.

Even though I'm now into the 7th month post BU, the pain is still

there. About a month ago I received a text from my ex mentioning

a few things from our past history. Part of my reply involved pointing

out the hurt and emotional abuse caused by ST. The response was

ballistic. Was told that it was all he could do to take care of himself

prior to the BU and it was not punishment on his part. "Punishment"

being the exact word he used, which I refuse to believe that he did

not know that was exactly what it was. Ridiculous that an adult

can not behave in a more mature manner. Typical behavior for

a BPD to react more like a petulant 4 year old.

[Looking4insight]

Hi Cosmo,

Thank you so so much for your reply, I've been a wreck over these past few weeks. I think the hardest thing is just not understanding why. I have so many questions only she can answer but won't.

I will take your advice and look at that section and text her back. What you said made so much sense. thank you so much!

[Looking4insight]

Hi Palladio,

Thank you for sharing that. I know this pain too well. Im so happy it's people here who can relate. My friends don't understand and neither did I until I ran across this. I myself have used the ST for a few hours maybe a day to cool down but never as a way to BU with someone. I was devaster and still am but knowing that I have a support system here helps. Thank you for sharing

[Looking4insight]

I would like to add that I also remember her telling me one time that

She had stopped speaking to her dad for about three weeks and they live together.

This is all starting to make sense

[Palladio]

Hi everyone,

I've been researching BPD and I'm really in need of some help and people to talk to. I'll try to keep this brief. So I was dating my gf for 7 months.

It was an awesome seven months. We traveled to many places , took all types of pictures and didn't have one major disagreement. One day we got in what I thought was a small fight and we stopped talking to each other for about 4 days. I reached out to her thinking this was a small thing that she was still mad about and she didn't respond.

I left her alone for two more days thinking she was still angry. It had been a week with no word so I text her are you ok (more like are you alive tone) . She responded with "I'm fine thanks". Which I thought was so cold and assumed this was her way of breaking up with me. I gave her two more days and then text her a long message saying how much I cared about our relationship and if she wanted to break up I understoodbut how breaking up by the silent treatment was so wrong. She read it and didn't respond (I was in disbelief someone could not respond to a message like that esp. Bc i told her it was ok to say it's over). I left her alone. It's so hard being dumped by the silent treatment so I was extremely depressed, I question my self worth and blamed myself for everything.

I assumed we were through but My mom texted her recently about coming to dinner for thx giving and my ex texted back with exclamation marks and agreed to come. On the same day she posted a picture with a necklace I gave her. She never came to dinner. But texted me 1:30am saying happy thanksgiving. This is the first time she has texted me in three weeks.

I guess my first question is does this sound like someone with BPD.

The only signs I have prior to this breakup was -

1. She would say thing like "I'm not ignoring you" if she took a few hrs to respond (as if she used the silent treatment  in the past)

2. She had very bad memory

3. She would do things that she knew wouldn't be ok if I did it and would say that she understood why I was concerned about them but she knows herself

4. She said her and her ex broke up because they stopped talking "they both knew it was over" ( now thinking about it she might have just made this part of , him knowing this up ). But I thought it was ok because he cheated on her in the past

Why I'm not sure -

1. She's had two long term relationships before me (2 yrs and 3 yrs)

2. She never used the silent treatment habitually

3.why is she still wearing my jewelry ? I've read pple with BPD don't have attachment to gifts ... Anyone read this?

4. I changed my fb info (not the relationship status , always was single) and pics. She doesn't use fb EVER but recently got back on fb and changed all her stuff too ... Almost like a response to me ... .

Guys any help is appreciated I'm so confused and I don't know if I'm dealing with someone with BPD ... Should I respond to this text ? What do u guys think

[Palladio]

Looking 4Insight

Keep in mind that it's highly likely that she has behaved the exact

same way with others who have become caught in her orbit. You

aren't the only person in her world who have been singled out with

such treatment. In my numerous attempts to make my relationship

work , I have repeatedly been subjected to ST. Truthfully, the only

thing that is accomplished by such behavior is successfully stopping

any emotional intimacy, which is most likely what the BPDSO wants.

Allows them to then decide to leave us before they think we will

leave them. I genuinely believe it's the most hurtful of their behavior,

possibly even more so than infidelity. Be strong and do not

internalize her behavior. Remember that you did not cause her

BPD, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Be strong. Be thankful here at the Thanksgiving season that you are

the healthier of the two in the rationship and that you are blessed

to understand what you are up against.

[Looking4insight]

Wow Palladio,

Thank you for saying that. I really never thought about it like that. I was feeling like ok this is something she has only done to me (what's wrong with me),  because of her lengthy relationship past. But it make sense that her exes could have been stuck in her orbit. Out of those 3 yrs who knows how many times she did this to them. Thank you for that insight.

It is so hurtful. I became sick ... .I almost got into a car crash from the stress ... And I almost destroyed my career. I'm not proud to admit it and even typing it almost brings me to tears to know all this.  Honestly I never knew people used St in this way and especially not with pple they cared about.

[patientandclear]

ST can be used to punish and when that happens it is abusive. But materials available here, many stories posted here, and my own experience have allowed me to come to understand that it is also a coping mechanism when pwBPD are overwhelmed with emotion. In my ex's case, he retreats to it rather than rage. Then he gets stuck.

On the receiving end it's tough regardless, but following Cosmo's guidelines about not grabbing on, not pushing away, giving space, and reminding the person you care, and not shaming, may make a path for return. In your case it sounds possible.

Looking for explanations too early may make it harder for her. She may not fully understand. It may be easier for her to tell you the feelings she had, confused though they may be, rather than "explain" why she did what she did.

[shatra]

why is she still wearing my jewelry ? I've read pple with BPD don't have attachment to gifts

-----They might not be focused on gift-giving or gift-receiving. But they use whatever they got from, or whatever reminds them, of the lost ex, as a "transitional object"----this can be a necklace, photo, hat, anything at all that reminds them of the person. It keeps them more secure and attached, in the person's absence. They havve something that reminds them of the ex.

It is also likely that she started up the fb page and posted the necklace to get your attention. How didi you see it? Was she looking at your page or vice-versa?

[cosmonaut]

why is she still wearing my jewelry ? I've read pple with BPD don't have attachment to gifts

-----They might not be focused on gift-giving or gift-receiving. But they use whatever they got from, or whatever reminds them, of the lost ex, as a "transitional object"----this can be a necklace, photo, hat, anything at all that reminds them of the person. It keeps them more secure and attached, in the person's absence. They havve something that reminds them of the ex.

It is also likely that she started up the fb page and posted the necklace to get your attention. How didi you see it? Was she looking at your page or vice-versa?

I think this is it exactly.  It is a memento of someone who was once (and perhaps still is) very important to them.  pwBPD often are never able to fully detach from the relationship.  It may seem like it when they can sometimes find someone new very quickly.  But keeping tabs on an ex, contacting us later, and even self-reported feelings of pwBPD all suggest that they never quite let go.  That's even true of many of us, too.  How many of us have kept mementos of our relationship?  I know I have.

[Looking4insight]

Patientandclear,

Thank you for your input! I think your very right! I actually remembered an incident early on where she went quiet for a few days. My friend suggested I contact her and not bring up anything about the issue and she responded like it never happened. I'm a person who loves to communicate problems and take care of them so I thought that was strange.

I think her inability to express herself is the reason she is shutting down like this and it makes so much sense.

[Looking4insight]

Shatra,

Thank you for commenting on the jewelry and picture. It's been very hard and confusing to deal with that part. As I do believe for most people those are a clear indication of missing someone but her actions are just so irrational.

I saw it on my fb timeline, we are still friends on fb. I updated my fb but she never uses her fb (her picture and info was at least 6 months outdated). A few days after I updated she updated and changed her profile picture to the picture with our necklace.

Directly after our fight she posted a picture with the necklace off. Now it's back on and as her fb picture. So confusing. Thank you for the info!

Cosmo

I failed to mention she was still very attached to her ex, I'm sure she has some items from him that I didn't know of. She was very outspoken about how he would just be around but meant nothing. I feel pretty naive now that I think about it. 

[Looking4insight]

Everyone,

Thank you so much for your input. Ima slowly piecing a lot of early signs together which is helping my make sense of this bottomless situation. Your help means a lot to me.

*i have an UPDATE*

I took Cosmo advice and texted her something very similar - *happy thanksgiving. Was thinking of you. Hope you enjoyed the food and family time*. She responded "thanks" fairly quickly.

I texted her back almost a day later I'm not sure if that effected her response. I'm more confused on why she would text me happy thanksgiving at 1:30am (thanksgiving was over).

Thanks Cosmo for the advice. I feel better knowing I texted her back. I would not be helping the situation giving her silent treatment back. Also would be doing something I now hate.