Thoughts of Life without Her

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I am feeling like the most horrible daughter ever. Why? I am fantasizing about how life would be so much easier without my mother. I am unable to live independently and would have to move 500 miles to find something suitable for my condition/situation. That's not going to happen unless my parents move (one has to work for at least two more years) or they die and I'm orphaned, though I am an adult in my right mind. I refuse to live with in a place for people with intellectual disabilities, which is my sole option in this area, as I feel that would be worse than living at home. Here I at least have my dad and he usually balances out the insanity of her BPD.

I'm losing the ability to tolerate her, her constant put-downs of my dad, her unpredictability, her cockiness, always having to be right. She is also a mild hoarder and has managed to fill our latest house which is over 2x as big as my childhood home. The stuff and clutter is not a hazard but it makes me super anxious. I wish to God I could just ignore the state of the house.

I seriously feel like an evil person for having such thoughts... .I know I am probably just wishing more for an escape from the current situation, and not really her being permanently out of my life... .but I want these thoughts to stop. I'm unsure if this makes any sense to any of you. I guess I just need to vent.

[ViaCrusis1689]

So I am feeling like the most horrible daughter ever. Why? I am fantasizing about how life would be so much easier without my mother. I am unable to live independently and would have to move 500 miles to find something suitable for my condition/situation. That's not going to happen unless my parents move (one has to work for at least two more years) or they die and I'm orphaned, though I am an adult in my right mind. I refuse to live with in a place for people with intellectual disabilities, which is my sole option in this area, as I feel that would be worse than living at home. Here I at least have my dad and he usually balances out the insanity of her BPD.

I'm losing the ability to tolerate her, her constant put-downs of my dad, her unpredictability, her cockiness, always having to be right. She is also a mild hoarder and has managed to fill our latest house which is over 2x as big as my childhood home. The stuff and clutter is not a hazard but it makes me super anxious. I wish to God I could just ignore the state of the house.

I seriously feel like an evil person for having such thoughts... .I know I am probably just wishing more for an escape from the current situation, and not really her being permanently out of my life... .but I want these thoughts to stop. I'm unsure if this makes any sense to any of you. I guess I just need to vent.

[Singingdove]

Oh gosh, ViaCrusis, I totally get it.  In fact, just the other night I found this article:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother  and the first line in it I'm sure you'll relate to.  It was comforting to hear that this professional says that when they hear a client say something like this, they know they are probably dealing with a child of someone with BPD.  I just thought I'd send it along and try to send some thoughts/words of encouragement because my sister and I totally get that thought.  Yes, it does feel horrible but I think that thought about the parent is a form of escape - it just gets so hard dealing with them all the time.

Hang tough.  I will pray for your situation that at some point you will find a way to live on your own or at least away from the stressful situation for you.

[ViaCrusis1689]

Oh gosh, ViaCrusis, I totally get it.  In fact, just the other night I found this article:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother  and the first line in it I'm sure you'll relate to.  It was comforting to hear that this professional says that when they hear a client say something like this, they know they are probably dealing with a child of someone with BPD.  I just thought I'd send it along and try to send some thoughts/words of encouragement because my sister and I totally get that thought.  Yes, it does feel horrible but I think that thought about the parent is a form of escape - it just gets so hard dealing with them all the time.

Hang tough.  I will pray for your situation that at some point you will find a way to live on your own or at least away from the stressful situation for you.

Thank you so much for your kind words and the article! I definitely needed the encouragement, and thank you also for the prayers. I pray a lot that I can get to the point where I am not so angry about things and just let it go. Don't get me wrong, there are some good aspects to living at home, like traveling to see my relatives and being here when my siblings are home. I am just really hoping I can get past this as it torments me.

[Singingdove]

You're very welcome!  It's my pleasure to be able to share the encouraging words.  I'm glad I found this site because it really is nice to "talk" with others who truly "get it".

Thank you so much for your kind words and the article! I definitely needed the encouragement, and thank you also for the prayers. I pray a lot that I can get to the point where I am not so angry about things and just let it go. Don't get me wrong, there are some good aspects to living at home, like traveling to see my relatives and being here when my siblings are home. I am just really hoping I can get past this as it torments me.

[Charlie3236]

There will be a time when you are out on your own and making your own choices! I hear how confusing your situation must be, but there is Truth and Clarity to be found! Abuse will throw you off your feet, but you do not have to stay there.

I felt the same way about my very abusive uBPD mother, until she finally committed suicide when I was 12-years-old. And my NPD (also crazy) father made it seem like it was my prize and something I had done and earned! (Her death!) But now at 43 I realize how sick and abusive they both were, and most importantly they were WRONG!

You can let go of the toxic people and rebuild the life you deserve, I'm living proof!

Love & blessings!

[ViaCrusis1689]

There will be a time when you are out on your own and making your own choices! I hear how confusing your situation must be, but there is Truth and Clarity to be found! Abuse will throw you off your feet, but you do not have to stay there.

I felt the same way about my very abusive uBPD mother, until she finally committed suicide when I was 12-years-old. And my NPD (also crazy) father made it seem like it was my prize and something I had done and earned! (Her death!) But now at 43 I realize how sick and abusive they both were, and most importantly they were WRONG!

You can let go of the toxic people and rebuild the life you deserve, I'm living proof!

Love & blessings!

I am sorry to hear that happened to you! Thank you for your encouraging words. Some days are better than others. My dad is pretty "normal" so he keeps me sane, for the most part.