Red flag, or normal?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Back again after a few up & down weeks with kids -- from SD9 giving DH the "Maybe I won't spend time with you" letter to both kids doing fine the last 2 overnight weekends.

This last week, the plan was for DH to spend one weekday with the kids, then they'd be with Mom for Thanksgiving, then back to the usual overnight with DH that weekend. DH shows up for the kids on the weekday and is told SD9 is too sick. So, DH spends the day with sd7.

I (not DH) get a text from Mom that evening as DH & I are in the car taking sd7 to Mom's -- Mom says they're out at a restaurant and it's taking longer than they thought, so could we drop sd7 at the restaurant. I say sure, be there soon. Sd9 is there with mom & stepdad, so we give her a get well soon card and drop off sd7. DH & I both let this go -- so typical that suddenly she'd be well enough to eat out when all day Mom has probably considered her too sick to be with DH. Whatever.

At the end of a good weekend with the kids -- sd9 affectionate with DH -- sd9 tells DH in the car on the way to Mom's that she wants to see him the next day to make up for when she was sick. DH says ok, how about from Time A to Time B. sd9 says no, how about Time C to Time D. Ok, that'll work. Later, after dropping the kids off, DH emailed mom to say something like Hey, sounds like the kids want to come over tomorrow, how about I pick them up at Time & drop them off at Time.

On the one hand, wow, sd9 wants to spend more time with DH (sd7 always wants to). This is great -- the more the better. On the other hand -- do you guys get why the alarm bells are majorly going off for me? Less than one month ago, sd9 is writing that letter to DH. Now all of a sudden she's suggesting makeup time?

I 99% believe Mom is doing this, and here's why the alarms are going off. What if Mom is trying to set up DH -- bait him into scheduling through the kids? Something like "Well, if you listen to them when they DO want to see you, then you should listen to them when they DON'T want to see you". I wonder if Mom is planning some sort of bait/switch? Or is trying to make it look like DH is fine not having a set schedule (which is what he thinks would be better)?

Am I way off in being suspicious of this? Feedback appreciated.

[kells76]

Back again after a few up & down weeks with kids -- from SD9 giving DH the "Maybe I won't spend time with you" letter to both kids doing fine the last 2 overnight weekends.

This last week, the plan was for DH to spend one weekday with the kids, then they'd be with Mom for Thanksgiving, then back to the usual overnight with DH that weekend. DH shows up for the kids on the weekday and is told SD9 is too sick. So, DH spends the day with sd7.

I (not DH) get a text from Mom that evening as DH & I are in the car taking sd7 to Mom's -- Mom says they're out at a restaurant and it's taking longer than they thought, so could we drop sd7 at the restaurant. I say sure, be there soon. Sd9 is there with mom & stepdad, so we give her a get well soon card and drop off sd7. DH & I both let this go -- so typical that suddenly she'd be well enough to eat out when all day Mom has probably considered her too sick to be with DH. Whatever.

At the end of a good weekend with the kids -- sd9 affectionate with DH -- sd9 tells DH in the car on the way to Mom's that she wants to see him the next day to make up for when she was sick. DH says ok, how about from Time A to Time B. sd9 says no, how about Time C to Time D. Ok, that'll work. Later, after dropping the kids off, DH emailed mom to say something like Hey, sounds like the kids want to come over tomorrow, how about I pick them up at Time & drop them off at Time.

On the one hand, wow, sd9 wants to spend more time with DH (sd7 always wants to). This is great -- the more the better. On the other hand -- do you guys get why the alarm bells are majorly going off for me? Less than one month ago, sd9 is writing that letter to DH. Now all of a sudden she's suggesting makeup time?

I 99% believe Mom is doing this, and here's why the alarms are going off. What if Mom is trying to set up DH -- bait him into scheduling through the kids? Something like "Well, if you listen to them when they DO want to see you, then you should listen to them when they DON'T want to see you". I wonder if Mom is planning some sort of bait/switch? Or is trying to make it look like DH is fine not having a set schedule (which is what he thinks would be better)?

Am I way off in being suspicious of this? Feedback appreciated.

[formflier]

  I would go with it for now, but make clear in the acceptance this should be a limited and rare thing.  Kids want control over their worlds, and limited control is a good thing to give them.  One of the ways you will know that kids are ready to control their world is when they are consistently ok with not having control of it, being obedient and having a good attitude when they have to do what they don't like.  I would also consider in the future, that daughter comes with you even if she is sick.  I may be missing part of the dynamic or custody schedule here, but if she is sick, you guys take care of her.  Of course it will be said that she should stay with Mom so as not to "ruin" your day, just calmly explain that sick kids is all part of it, and you guys look forward to that part.                

FF

[Thunderstruck]

I don't know, kids are going to be like that. Sometimes they're all gushy and sometimes they're all hatey. It's easy for them in a moms house/dads house situation to just say "I don't want to be with you" whenever things aren't going their way. And usually with a BPD parent, the pwBPD can use that to alienate and control the kids. My SD10 has told us about a billion times in fits of rage that she wants to live with her mom. Of course, these always happen after she gets in trouble at our house. Teaching the kids it's ok to run away from challenges isn't really a good way to set them up for life. SD10 should be "stuck" coming back to our house even if she is mad at us because the last time she got in trouble. We don't harp on it. We move on and continue our life.

Personally, we wouldn't have let our uBPDbm withhold SD10 from visitation just because she is sick. We also wouldn't set "makeup" time through the kid. We stick to the schedule as rigidly as possible. Occasionally we'll switch the schedule if uBPDbm has a conflict, but those never go well.   Drama drama drama. That's why we can't be flexible. It also has shown to be better for our situation for SD10 to have that set schedule with predictability.

If you're concerned about alienation, then keeping to a schedule where DH sees the kids as often as possible is the best way to go.