goes ballistic threatens suicide, repeat. 7 years now

[howard]

Long 7 years. so much to tell, but most of you know the same story. My husband is textbook BPD. Abandonment issues to the max, but he is continually making it that I often do want to run away from him --FAR and FAST. There are a lot of complications going on right now and he is working internationally, but it will be over in June. It is like I have been able to find some openings in the fog during this time and then when I deal with him each day I shudder to think of when he comes back dealing with him in the house. Right now he is focused on the fact that this job only goes until June and he is convinced that nothing else will come his way. He is convinced that everything is against him, and he often tries to make it out that I am against him because I "dont care" about his pain.  He pushes me and pushes me with his negativity. I try to be patient and use the techniques of telling him I am listening and hear his pain but it is draining me.  Today he kept going on with his negativity and I was trying to talk but he would not listen . I snapped and started yelling. He then took it that I am so terrible to him. I really cannot take it.

He has tried to kill himself before and it was when he was in this same mindset of negative thinking. Nothing I was saying would get through and he cut both his wrists. He has said over and over I should have just let him bleed to death. How can I keep dealing with this? I love him and care. I love him so that I have thought that he deserved euthanasia to end his constant suffering. He is so focused on all he does not have or all that he is losing. He is obsessed with getting older, and from his years of self abuse he does appear older than he is. He wears it on his face, and he does not realize it but that pain shows to strangers before they even hear anything he says. More abandonment, abandonment before there is any connection.

He has no friends. He is not even able to find ways to do the flirty crap that he did years ago. In some ways I wish he did find someone again since that might be a way for me to get out. But it is not going to happen. He is so over the top with his negativity that no one wants to listen to him. He has no family. I am all he really has. So the burden on me is all the more. If I was to tell him I wanted to split (and I admit that some days I do), he would kill himself I am sure. I do not know how I would react to that over time.  I have always felt like a survivor. I have been able to deal with  a lot in my life but it is the first time that I am actually feeling like I need to see a therapist or counselor- for myself and maybe to help me get some stability in finding ways to deal with the negativity tornado.

Everyone on here talks about ways to stay, or ways they leave but I dont read much about how to deal with the suicide threats or attempts. I wonder if anyone else feels trapped by it like I do.  I have had to clean so much glass off the floor literally and figuratively.  After the actual attempt it took a whole day to clean the dried blood off of everything that was all over the place.  He flailed his arms up and down after cutting himself, in a kind of happy dance, saying I FINALLY DID IT!  I FINALLY DID IT! and he bathed the apartment in his blood. Of course I had to clean it up after he came back from the hospital with his stiched up arms. We were living internationally, and I told him that in the US he would not have been allowed to come back home since they knew what happened and he would have been admitted to psych.  I am so drained. I cannot deal with another episode like that.  I really fear that if he does not get another job, he is going to do it again. There is nothing I can do to stop it other then try like hell to get him a job where he can feel purpose and have something to occupy his very intelligent mind.  and then if that was to actually happen to have him not run into any situation with people there where he thinks they hate him or that they are against him.  My sick wish is that he would get a job, meet someone who he falls for and just leave me for her. I love him but I have to be real that this is never going to end.  I need my sanity back.

[howard]

I forgot to mention in my venting above that  I recently found out that he is bi sexual and he has had online relations with men. sharing pictures and he talked about how terrible I am to him. I have not said a thing about it.  I read his email when he stupidly left it signed in and I do not feel bad about it at all anymore but I did then.  After awhile I realized that he is the one who should feel bad for what he was saying about me.  And if I was so terrible I would have went nuts and broke up immediately.  I know him enough to know that this is yet another game he plays.  I actually felt bad for the people he spins his tales to online. they listened to it for awhile but eventually they too got drained and he was abandoned by them as well. I wish they would come back... .but I know they wont and so does he as he says to himself - I am garbage. I am nothing. I should just die.  How sad his story really is and how draining it is for me to be the moderator all this time.  I do not see it getting better but the only end to it would be the big end.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Howard, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  How can we help?  Do you have any specific questions?  LJ

[Svarl1]

Hi Howard,

I read your post a couple of days ago and have been thinking that you need and deserve to help yourself now.

In many ways your torment reminds me of an earlier time in my relationship. Thankfully I was never on the receiving end of a suicide attempt, but I well know the pain of being isolated with a raging and dysregulated person. My partner also made it clear on several occasions that she can't live without me. I know rationally that I'm not responsible for the survival of another adult, but in my heart I do also believe that she would die if abandoned.

I came up with the analogy: "Like a toddler with a gun". The person will rage and tantrum at the drop of hat, will threaten self and others, but it's YOU who feel totally responsible for their life.

At the worst times it was true hell, and the situation almost cost me my sanity and my life. I feel for you. I know what it's like to be made to question my every thought and motivation; to take the battle lines inside of my own mind; to let part of me become the property of the other person; to dread Fridays and long for Monday morning (but to try and not let that show on my face).

A person can't live that way forever. You think yourself a survivor, but imagine carrying that burden for the rest of your life, even into old age when you may not have the energy for it. It would be impossible to sustain.

And imagine the bitterness of the lost time, where you could have been living your life as a free adult in a free country.

Now it's time for you to change your situation.

The first step is to free your mind from the worst of the inner torment. You can do this without causing extra friction in the relationship: you'll still be together and your partner will still be alive. But you need to believe in a future of peace and decency for yourself, and to stop beating yourself up inside your own head. Maybe you have done these things already (you are writing here by your own permission) in which case great. I only know it took me a long time before I even felt that I even deserved a better life.

Once you tell yourself strongly that you deserve - AND WILL HAVE - a better life, that means there are only two possibilities:

1. You stay together, but your partner improves his behaviour so much that you then have opportunity for your own fulfillment.

2. You part ways and don't have him (or a similar person) in your life ever again.

Now this may seem strange, and I can only write about my own experience, but it seems that once i determined that there were ONLY options 1 and 2 on the cards, then things started to improve. I don't understand how. Maybe it was by some implicit communication in the relationship (body language or between-the-lines messages). Maybe it was nothing to do with me at all, maybe my partner has been quietly getting therapy or something.

But over several years she decreased the raging and blaming, the over-clinging, binge-drinking, financial irresponsibility etc.

Now she is not perfect (neither am I) but we can now communicate normally about a lot of things. My partner now rarely drinks, is much more self-aware, careful with money, and has taken on some of the household responsibilities.

So I think that there is something in the saying that bullies have a 'nose' for victims: People who are prepared to put up with $h!t more than once will attract those who are willing to dish it out. Conversely it seems that when a person decides (even inwardly, but strongly) not to accept it any more, then it will not be dished out so much.

If you are willing (or feel compelled) to stay in the relationship then I hope this kind of transformation can work for you too (but hopefully in months rather than years). The important first step is to promise yourself a better future. Whichever way you get there.

As for therapy, i would recommend you do try it. You should feel no shame or inadequacy about it whatsoever. Many highly functioning people happily disclose that they have undergone this or that therapy, because they wanted to live in the best way they can. Whether you tell your partner or anybody else about it is, of course, entirely up to you.

I have tried counselling a couple of times some years ago, but did not continue long and it didn't help me much then. But i have since realised that I was not in the right place for it, being then too immature and expecting results without bringing the right attitude of self-responsibility.

I'm considering to try again though, as although my relationship is now much better than it was, it is in some ways still unsatisfactory and stifling for me (and, I think, for her too). I realise now that this has a lot to do with my own issues, and am aware that I have some psychological impasses to address.

Having come to the realisation that a psychologically healthy person would not have remained in a largely unhealthy relationship for the length of time that I (and you) have done, I now aim to take a more searching look at myself, without shame or resentment, and would encourage you to do likewise.

Best Wishes

Svarlbard

[pallavirajsinghani]

From personal experience, I can definitely recommend that any threat of suicide should result in you calling the suicide prevention hotline right away.  Give that number to your husband too.  If you notice any attempt at suicide, call 911 right away.  Often we are ashamed to get authorities involved.  However, these are the people who are trained to handle crises situations.  We love our spouses who are negative and suicidal but we are not clinically trained to help them through our crises.  Helping them requires more than loving them... .it requires a trained team of clinicians. 

So the very first thing is to understand your own limitations.  Your love is undying and permanant and unwavering... .but understand that love is not a cure for mental disorder.

The other benefit of getting the authorities involved is that it may lead to a mandatory 72 hour hospitalization which may lead to a diagnosis and clinical plan.

Calling the authorities is NOT a threat, it should not be used as a threat, rather it is a caring act and should be considered as an ultimate expression of love and care by you.  Once you understand that using trained help is a gesture of love, then you will be able to present it to him and others this way.

These are my suggestions as to how to handle a crises.

You simply have to walk the path of self-care to handle the situation you are in.  How can you be there for him, when you are not there for yourself?  Taking care of yourself is not abandonment of him, nor is it lack of love for him.

You can give him love, but you cannot make him feel that he is loveable... .the latter part is his own responsibility... .because part of this disorder is that they are unable to feel loved... .it is a disease of dysphoria.

God Bless.

[howard]

From personal experience, I can definitely recommend that any threat of suicide should result in you calling the suicide prevention hotline right away.  Give that number to your husband too.  If you notice any attempt at suicide, call 911 right away.  Often we are ashamed to get authorities involved.  However, these are the people who are trained to handle crises situations.  We love our spouses who are negative and suicidal but we are not clinically trained to help them through our crises.  Helping them requires more than loving them... .it requires a trained team of clinicians. 

So the very first thing is to understand your own limitations.  Your love is undying and permanant and unwavering... .but understand that love is not a cure for mental disorder.

The other benefit of getting the authorities involved is that it may lead to a mandatory 72 hour hospitalization which may lead to a diagnosis and clinical plan.

Calling the authorities is NOT a threat, it should not be used as a threat, rather it is a caring act and should be considered as an ultimate expression of love and care by you.  Once you understand that using trained help is a gesture of love, then you will be able to present it to him and others this way.

These are my suggestions as to how to handle a crises.

You simply have to walk the path of self-care to handle the situation you are in.  How can you be there for him, when you are not there for yourself?  Taking care of yourself is not abandonment of him, nor is it lack of love for him.

You can give him love, but you cannot make him feel that he is loveable... .the latter part is his own responsibility... .because part of this disorder is that they are unable to feel loved... .it is a disease of dysphoria.

God Bless.

First, before I met him, he threatened, a friend called 911 and the cops came but ended up taking him to jail for having a gun.  He did not get help from the hospital they eventually took him too. they put him on heavy meds and in the end he just totally hated his friend for "doing that to him". that was years ago and he still goes on about how terrible that person was for making that call.

When he cut himself with me, we were living internationally. i could not call anyone for help. We lived about 20 minute drive from the hospital. I finally managed to get him there as he was going in and out of consciousness and bleeding from both wrists. they knew what happened, they stitched him up and let him sign himself out after his heart rate improved.  He really did almost die, and in some way I have to admit that I felt it was like euthanasia to just let him go. Please do not get me wrong, I love him dearly (obviously, to have to put up with this one sided toll booth) but I know that his pain has been going on for over 40 years. It is a layer cake of issues that he cannot overcome no matter what anyone does. He is in so much pain and just like if he had incurable cancer and I knew he could not have any peace, I thought it would have been best for him to just go out as he has threatened over and over.

Now he is working on the other side of the world. He hates it, but when he was here and could not find work he was more miserable. He would drink every night and then go into the same sick story line.  He cannot just do nothing or he loses his mind all the more when he does not have routine or feeling a purpose. Over the next 5 months it is going to be a constant threat of killing himself and there is NOTHING I can do about it. there is no suicide hotline there. He went to a psychiatrist for awhile and they just put him on prozac. It did not help since all his problems were still there and there were more that came up as he gets older and feels more inadequate. He does not believe therapy will help because there is no way for him to see that talking about his problems all the more will help him.  He does not trust anyone now.

There is NO ANSWER. As much as I hate the phrase, IT IS WHAT IT IS.  I have done all anyone can do to try to make him have some happiness but it is never enough. I find myself just trying to live my life and keep things together as best I can.  I have to say that I love him for the good things that we had in our past (I at least can remember some and I have to constantly remind him) and I hate him for all the selfishness he imposing on me with no remorse for it.  I just cannot relate to how someone can be in so much pain they do not care about the fact that they are hurting the one that loves them the most.  and when he does realize that fact, THAT is when he most wants to kill himself.  He then says, you will be better off without me.  I tell him no, that is not true. but in many ways that is the time that he shows me that he does love me, as sick as that is. I hate this in every way but calling suicide hotline would be a disaster if it were even possible. His PURE BPD mind would make thim HATE me FOREVER for doing so.