hey janestorm
i feel similarly. i wasnt who i wanted to be (which is ultimately just authentic) in relationships. i regretted each, because i felt like my gut originally tried to steer me from them. i have a lot to be proud of with my "BPD relationship". it was by far my longest, and closest relationship. it enabled me, once i was past the pain, to have the truly corrective experience id been seeking and im more emotionally available and better able to navigate a healthy relationship now.
what lessons has your experience taught you? what did you protect yourself from?
After my last marriage, I got caught in the "he's the devil" phase that I had in the past. Through working through everything over six years, I realized he was very broken but also that he was just not a nice person. Good riddance. Then I met my recent BPDex.
This one showed me that I could be devoted to a man, even when things were hard. He never name-called or put hands on me. The damage he did was extraordinary and nothing I had experienced anyway. I never felt like a victim while his behavior was victimizing me at the time. That is huge for me. I abhor feeling like a victim. I am not. I make choices, nothing more, nothing less.
I did not go forward in marrying him; he did not want to cohabitate but wanted the full commitment and that was a NON-starter for me. I own a home and have a little something for my children when I am gone.
I stood on my boundaries and did not invite that into my home like relationships before. I did not reduce to the same behavior; I held true to my core values and previous training. I did not retaliate or hurt him intentionally. For once in my life, I did not hold a grudge against hurtful behavior and I did not blame myself (he did that plenty for us both! ), I did not seek him to make me whole as I knew myself for once. I told him I did not NEED him but I WANTED him and that is the highest honor from me. Of course, at the time I did not know what I was dealing with and in retrospect, explains the unintended reaction!
**Sidenote: he texted me today and asked again 'if I want' him still. I just said, "give me something to want."
I have miles to go but I guess I just did not relinquish my Self to him. I do need to eat more though! Lunchtime!
