We had such high hopes

[OutOfGas]

My husband and I adopted an 4 month old daughter 32 years ago. We already were experienced parents with 2 daughters by birth and wanted to add to our family. I am adopted myself, so I am very familiar with possible adoption issues, but we felt that solid good parenting and a loving family could conquer whatever came our way. If I wrote what we have been through, it would be a book. I will just say, for now, our 32 years have been and continue to be a series of painful, trying, non-resolvable problems. I would go as far as to say that we look back with such sadness because we had such high hopes, but the reality was frustration every single day. She's a beautiful, intelligent single woman who lives 1500 miles from us. Her life is a tortured series of relationships, jobs, insecurities and rages, but to see her you'd think she didn't have a problem in the world. Our family has been in therapy off and on since she was 4. Her BPD has affected the whole family and she, by choice, has alienated herself from her siblings.

With another probable miserable holiday coming, I am wanting to tell her that we have decided that she may not come to our now peaceful (we are retired) home. My choices are both awful: 1. allow her to fly here and deal with the inevitable angry accusations of our failure as parents, or, 2. tell her she may not come here and deal with the inevitable anger and tears.

I'm glad I found this group. Thank you for existing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, OutOfGas &

Gee, I'm so sorry for all of the stress and pain you and your family have been going through... .All of the parents on this Board know how much you must hurt, and how frustrated and sometimes angry you must feel. We're here for you; I'm so glad you've found us!

Your 2 choices seem pretty sad; is there another one available possibly? Can she maybe come home for the holidays, but stay somewhere else so that your time with her would be limited? Does she have any other family she could stay with? Friends? Could you maybe even get her a nice motel room as a "gift" (somewhere nearby, but cool--maybe with something special onsite, like a Spa, etc.?), so that she at least wouldn't be in your home for the whole duration of the trip?

It might be tricky to accomplish, but if there were a way to make it special for her, like a great present or something, could that work? Just putting on my thinking cap here 

Please tell us more about your situation, and make sure to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page for all sorts of tips and advice... .And there are so many parents here who will be able to commiserate with you regarding this specific situation you're in, and offer you the benefit of their experiences. We really want to help, OutOfGas 

[OutOfGas]

Thank you for your reply and putting on your thinking cap. Your suggestions are all appreciated and might work, but not with our daughter. As evidenced in so many holiday celebrations, she will insist on doing things her way (staying with us) and no matter how accommodating we are, nothing will suit her.

As painful as it was last night, I told her that she may not come here for Christmas. I used the suggested technique of not arguing, not defending my decision, not trying no justify, not explaining, and when she loudly protested, I stopped the argument by hanging up the phone.

I have tried reasoning for many years, but one cannot reason with a BPD who is not able to reason. After 32 years, I am learning from this site how to handle what has been so frustrating. From the lessons on the right column: "If your current approach is not working - change it"

I'm trying.

[twojaybirds]

Another angle to consider for next time is to make the decision about YOU not her.

":)ad and I want to spend Christmas in a quiet house.  After all those years of kids and noise we just want to do this for ourselves."

Just a thought.   

[OutOfGas]

Sounds good in theory, but she is not capable of empathy, i.e. ":)ad and I want a quiet Christmas". Her world is all about her needs. I have decided that boundaries  aren't selfish on my part; boundaries are set for self-preservation. I only wish I had known this a long time before now.