Understanding the borderline mother

[unicorn2014]

I just wanted to let the board know that I just got informed that my copy just came into the library. I don't think I can pick it up tonight so I wanted to ask the board if there's anything I should to do to prepare myself to read this book? I have to be honest, I'm kind of anxious about it.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Form flier what I am saying is that you have a false perception that I am mentally or emotionally unstable and I am asking you how I can change your perception.

----

I should also add what can I do to change your perception of me that I am emotionally unhealthy?

Respecting your belief in being emotionally healthy, my recommendation is to read whatever you want, whenever you want with no fear or reservations.

[Harri]

Hi unicorn.  So many of us here have commented that that book is a tough read for a number of reasons.  It is going to cause some memories to resurface and along with those, the emotions can come too.  It is not the kind of book I would read in one sitting.  Regardless of a person's emotional health, it will be a tough read so take it slow if needed. 

Remember, those of us raised in a BPD environment often have BPD fleas/traits as a result of bad parenting by both the BPD parent and Non partner.  The author will talk about that a lot. 

There is another book called "surviving the borderline parent" that is also excellent and will discuss a lot of the behaviors we may have picked up, but follows the discussions with exercises to help us work things through.

Take good care.

[unicorn2014]

Hi harri and thank you for replying. I read surviving the borderline parent. Thank you for the triggering warning. That's what I was expecting.

Ps I love your signature. I have when things fall apart on my shelf.

[Harri]

   I love that quote too, though I am not quite as accepting as she is.  When I say it, I add on "I am damned sure going to get some wisdom out of this" with an OR ELSE sort of tone.

Yeah, I need to work a bit on acceptance with grace!

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I agree with Harri, this book definitely is a tough read and will likely trigger a lot of (intense) emotions and memories. Having said that, it is also the most important book I have read about BPD. It was also the first book I read about this subject and it was a turning point for me as my experiences were validated and it helped make sense out of the emotional and psychological chaos I grew up in.

Certain commenters on the book have mentioned that the book only gives you information about BPD without necessarily helping you heal from what you've been through. To that I say though that the book is called 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' for a reason. It is aimed at helping us understands what we've been through and with that understanding we can then start or continue our journey towards healing. Understanding what was going on does help with healing, but understanding alone often isn't enough to heal though. So as you prepare yourself for reading this book, I think it's also good to keep in mind that after/while reading this book you might want to look for things to help you cope/heal such as for instance the exercises from that other book 'surviving the borderline parent', the steps for emotional flashback management, ways of dealing with automatic negative thoughts etc.

Take good care indeed

[unicorn2014]

Thank you kwamina, I'm going to pick it up today. I think I will request surviving the borderline parent again. I'm also on my 10th step in my program of recovery for adult children and that has some really good inventory questions in it.

I don't have much contact with my mother and the last time I saw her, a week before thanksgiving, was difficult . Her behavior was challenging as was my father's around it.

The other day I was looking at the anger and aggression step to the right ➡️ (10) I can definitely control my anger today but it was hard as a teen. Back then my mom was also physically abusive.

Thank you for this board's support!

[Kwamina]

I am very sorry your mother was also physically abusive towards you. That is tough too deal with, children can respond to abuse in various ways and I can definitely see how the physical abuse could significantly contribute to anger and aggression issues. I am glad though that you feel you've made progress and are able to control your anger today

[unicorn2014]

Thank you kwamina, I've been able to control my anger since I got treated for complex PTSD. I also took an anger management class after I ended my marriage.

I was physically abused as a teenager and reported my mom to one of my high school teachers who filed a report on her.

[Kwamina]

When you are dealing with a disordered and abusive parent, it can make a huge difference when another adult, an authority figure, steps in and intervenes.

How did your mother respond to that report being filed on her? Did the physical abuse stop then?

[unicorn2014]

It didn't make a difference, I got blamed, had to pay for my own therapy and ended up leaving home at age 18, never to return.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Unicorn2014 

So how's the first bit of reading for you? Here's a hug for you in case you need it!   

I agree with Harri and Kwamina's comments totally about the book. It was a tough read, but definitely validated my own experiences as well. For me when I read the book, it was rather like reading the story of my life (and of course the life of most of us here on the board)!

I thought it was the 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' book that had a chapter about 'normal', but I'm not sure. I think that was one of the hardest chapters for me, which I started and stopped many times before I just pushed my way through it. I had major triggers as I read about a healthy child's birthday party, and I kept saying to myself that it couldn't be true, the things I was reading. My life was normal, not theirs. Many tears for me as understanding began to dawn.

All that being said, both books mentioned in this thread including the 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' have been indispensable to me. The latter has been the most healing, while the book you checked out recently was most enlightening for me.

Let us know how it's going!

Wools

[unicorn2014]

Hi wools it's making me angry because I'm seeing the story of my life. I've made it up to the shame and guilt part. I hate how powerless it makes me feel. I had a lot of anger as a teen and a young adult and this is making me feeling it all over again.

[Woolspinner2000]

Take your time. There's no hurry. 

Wools

[unicorn2014]

Thank you , I'm also simultaneously dealing with a narcissistic father, with whom I have more interaction with then my potentially borderline mother. And then there's my brother... .

[unicorn2014]

Form flier what I am saying is that you have a false perception that I am mentally or emotionally unstable and I am asking you how I can change your perception.

----

I should also add what can I do to change your perception of me that I am emotionally unhealthy?

Respecting your belief in being emotionally healthy, my recommendation is to read whatever you want, whenever you want with no fear or reservations.

Hi palla , can you please leave my staying posts on the staying board? Since I'm dealing with both a borderline parent and a borderline partner I would like to keep the two issues separate. Thank you very much .

[maddnessreturns]

This book was a tough read for me but I found it very informative. It was something that helped make my childhood make more sense than it ever did before. Yes it did bring up memories I didn't like and I only read a little bit at a time but I do believe it was worth it. I caught myself bookmarking pages on my kindle because I had heard those exact words said by my mother or the exact scenario unfolded. Hugs.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for the feedback . I have some downtime tomorrow so I will bring the book with me so I can take advantage of it. My last therapist identified my father as being narcissistic . When I was reading the part about feeling imprisoned by your mother it reminded me of the things I used to draw as a teenager .