BPDh is taking a solid look at things...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

BPDh came home last night after work looking very serious. He asked if we could talk. We'd been supposed to have a talk about his threats, and his depression, so I thought it might be in regards to that. I asked him if this was in regards to that, and he said no. It turns out that he is now on notice at work, and may lose his job. His $10,000 bonus in now being withheld too.

He'd talked to me two or three weeks ago about one of his employees that was causing issue. This one guy has been causing him issue for well over a year, and he's recruited another employee of BPDh, and they are basically ganging up on BPDh. Now, this guy is clearly insubordinate, as I've read some of the texts. He says things to BPDh like "you ask dumb f-ing questions", and generally has it in for BPDh. I advised BPDh to talk to HIS boss about this, and deal with the situation. He didn't do this, and these two guys went over BPDh's head, and a secret meeting was planned with BPDh's boss. I told him this was not good, and that they'd gotten the drop on him. They are using kernels of truth, and running with it. Plus, they've been complaining so long that it's gotten other employees of BPDh to start looking for issues with him.

The secret meeting was clearly a bash fest, and now BPDh is scrambling to save his job. I know BPDh probably did something to this employee at some point, like was arrogant, or didn't communicate well(BPDh acknowledges he has huge communication issues). That does not however make it okay for the blatant disregard for respect these two employees have shown him, or the way they've tried to undermine him with his own boss. BPDh should have been way more proactive, and dealt with all this, way before.

As per his last review last year, his boss told him he had a couple issues to work on, and BPDh has been. In fact he's checked in with his boss, and asked how he's doing, and gotten told he was doing better. Now this? I sort of knew this was coming. I felt they were watching him, because they guys have been giving him trouble for some time. The HR director even has overheard some of the disrespect BPDh has taken off this guy. The issue is they are able to spin BPDh's issues, and make them seem much, much worse.

Because BPDh is so clearly avoidant of dealing with issues, he's now in this pickle. I can't even say that his anger hasn't gotten the better of him at some time, and he made this employee of his mad. I do know though that he's been trying to communicate better at work, and these two guys just want special treatment. BPDh works in IT, and sometimes they have updates at night. These guys don't want to do that, but it's in their job description. BPDh's women employees, and BPDh, do the evening updates without issue. Plus, I've read their texts to BPDh and they are just clearly militant, and cuss at BPDh in emails and texts. That is so not okay!  I feel BPDh has met his match with these two guys, sadly.

I'm sympathetic, and being very supportive, but I also feel that this has happened in most of BPDh's jobs. His anger, and lack of communication, and not dealing with issues(this time not dealing with clear insubordination), has led to this. I feel his boss' have a right to have some issues with him, but I feel it's very unfair that these two guys clearly have a gang mentality, and have painted a much darker picture than is truly fair. No one knows just how arrogant and uncommunicative BPDh can be, but I know he's been much more conscious of it at work.

What's sad is that, had BPDh just listened to me(or his friends), I'd bet he wouldn't be in this spot. He even had friends and coworkers who told him he should have fired one of these guys after the first time his employee cussed him out, but BPDh just did nothing. My therapist and I were just talking about BPDh's anger and blame, and communication issues yesterday. We had no idea BPDh would receive that news yesterday, but I'd related to her that BPDh was having issues in all areas of his life right now(our marriage, his grown kids, his JOB), and she stated that lots of men with anger issues only finally get help when it comes to losing a couple jobs. That they can no longer just say it's the wife, or kids.

I'm glad in one way that this has happened, as it's really making BPDh evaluate why this is happening, and has happened over and over in jobs, and relationships. I think he's going to get some help. He's open to me supporting him emotionally, and he seems scared. I just feel that the thing that has brought this to a head IS unfair. I think he has issues, but I think he's also the victim of a smear campaign from two guys. I just wish this was coming from a good employee, so BPDh could actually give it more credence?

Plus, I'm wondering how this all is going to add to his recent depression, that he has not been wanting to deal with. He thanked me and told me I was a good listener, and he's thankful for my support, but I know the tide might turn on that. I hope this spurs him to make some positive changes that can only make his life better, and happier.

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh came home last night after work looking very serious. He asked if we could talk. We'd been supposed to have a talk about his threats, and his depression, so I thought it might be in regards to that. I asked him if this was in regards to that, and he said no. It turns out that he is now on notice at work, and may lose his job. His $10,000 bonus in now being withheld too.

He'd talked to me two or three weeks ago about one of his employees that was causing issue. This one guy has been causing him issue for well over a year, and he's recruited another employee of BPDh, and they are basically ganging up on BPDh. Now, this guy is clearly insubordinate, as I've read some of the texts. He says things to BPDh like "you ask dumb f-ing questions", and generally has it in for BPDh. I advised BPDh to talk to HIS boss about this, and deal with the situation. He didn't do this, and these two guys went over BPDh's head, and a secret meeting was planned with BPDh's boss. I told him this was not good, and that they'd gotten the drop on him. They are using kernels of truth, and running with it. Plus, they've been complaining so long that it's gotten other employees of BPDh to start looking for issues with him.

The secret meeting was clearly a bash fest, and now BPDh is scrambling to save his job. I know BPDh probably did something to this employee at some point, like was arrogant, or didn't communicate well(BPDh acknowledges he has huge communication issues). That does not however make it okay for the blatant disregard for respect these two employees have shown him, or the way they've tried to undermine him with his own boss. BPDh should have been way more proactive, and dealt with all this, way before.

As per his last review last year, his boss told him he had a couple issues to work on, and BPDh has been. In fact he's checked in with his boss, and asked how he's doing, and gotten told he was doing better. Now this? I sort of knew this was coming. I felt they were watching him, because they guys have been giving him trouble for some time. The HR director even has overheard some of the disrespect BPDh has taken off this guy. The issue is they are able to spin BPDh's issues, and make them seem much, much worse.

Because BPDh is so clearly avoidant of dealing with issues, he's now in this pickle. I can't even say that his anger hasn't gotten the better of him at some time, and he made this employee of his mad. I do know though that he's been trying to communicate better at work, and these two guys just want special treatment. BPDh works in IT, and sometimes they have updates at night. These guys don't want to do that, but it's in their job description. BPDh's women employees, and BPDh, do the evening updates without issue. Plus, I've read their texts to BPDh and they are just clearly militant, and cuss at BPDh in emails and texts. That is so not okay!  I feel BPDh has met his match with these two guys, sadly.

I'm sympathetic, and being very supportive, but I also feel that this has happened in most of BPDh's jobs. His anger, and lack of communication, and not dealing with issues(this time not dealing with clear insubordination), has led to this. I feel his boss' have a right to have some issues with him, but I feel it's very unfair that these two guys clearly have a gang mentality, and have painted a much darker picture than is truly fair. No one knows just how arrogant and uncommunicative BPDh can be, but I know he's been much more conscious of it at work.

What's sad is that, had BPDh just listened to me(or his friends), I'd bet he wouldn't be in this spot. He even had friends and coworkers who told him he should have fired one of these guys after the first time his employee cussed him out, but BPDh just did nothing. My therapist and I were just talking about BPDh's anger and blame, and communication issues yesterday. We had no idea BPDh would receive that news yesterday, but I'd related to her that BPDh was having issues in all areas of his life right now(our marriage, his grown kids, his JOB), and she stated that lots of men with anger issues only finally get help when it comes to losing a couple jobs. That they can no longer just say it's the wife, or kids.

I'm glad in one way that this has happened, as it's really making BPDh evaluate why this is happening, and has happened over and over in jobs, and relationships. I think he's going to get some help. He's open to me supporting him emotionally, and he seems scared. I just feel that the thing that has brought this to a head IS unfair. I think he has issues, but I think he's also the victim of a smear campaign from two guys. I just wish this was coming from a good employee, so BPDh could actually give it more credence?

Plus, I'm wondering how this all is going to add to his recent depression, that he has not been wanting to deal with. He thanked me and told me I was a good listener, and he's thankful for my support, but I know the tide might turn on that. I hope this spurs him to make some positive changes that can only make his life better, and happier.

[guy4caligirl]

there always comes a time when they hit a road block and reflect on themselves and realize that this is not working to their favor anymore

and revise their strategy of hiding behind a' Mask ". when repeatedly they feel like people know them for who  they truly are .

I am experiencing the same issue with my Ex PBDGF, but definitely in a different way , she often told me and especially lately that I know her more than anyone else in this world , true so this is where they go to the closest person to them and confide finally that they need help .

May I ask if you and your husband still living together  ?

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, we are still living together, but he is back to being very depressed, blaming, and making lots of divorce threats, again. He stopped DBT, and is now in no therapy.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  This is quite a pickle.  It sounds in many ways similar to what my W is dealing with at her job, although my W's co-workers haven't cussed her out or sent threatening emails.  But they have acted in ways that are passive-aggressive or rude.  In the 4 Jobs my W has had since I have known her, the same thing happens every time.   She rubs people the wrong way with her attitude, others give her the label of "difficult", she becomes a PITA to others, and then others start giving her crap. 

Do you have any idea what the original incident was that got these employees to get mad at your H?  My guess is there was something, and something significant.  I doubt your H would be targeted out of the blue. In the case of my wife, she tends to not be social and tell others what to do through criticism.  Ironically, that is exactly the things she claims others are doing to her.  And when something happens W can't let it go until she floods someone's inbox with text messages and emails.

I think listening was a good thing - and it probably helped him tremendously.  But I do caution you about getting too involved - it will consume you and exhaust you. 

[Samuel S.]

It is extremely regretful that his fellow workers have created this issue for him! It is very good that you are being supportive of him and of his crisis. Like you say, maybe after having to deal with such cruel people, that he himself will begin reflecting on his behavior and to make significant changes not only professionally, but also with his relationship with you. In turn, your relationship together can become very positive. His perspective about himself, about you, about life, and about work can become very positive as well. Please keep us updated!

[Notwendy]

As you know, issues in relationships are the result of two people. Even if this is unfair to your H, as you said, he did have something to do with it.

It may be possible for him to consider his side of things but only if he is left to deal with his own bad feelings about it. This is very hurtful and we don't wish for anyone we care about to be in this position. However, the consequences of his actions might be the best lesson for him and if you step in to soothe, comfort, fix his feelings for him with the intent of being supportive, you may take this learning experience from him.

We may feel the compassionate thing to do is to step in and help. But when we step into rescue mode we are anything but compassionate if we keep someone from learning to manage their feelings.

It's a fine line to balance between being caring and enabling. It takes practice to get this right and it can feel uncomfortable and even mean to us to not step into the enabler role.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I really have no idea of what may have originally gotten this guy upset at BPDh, but I'm sure there was something. Or maybe this guy is just as difficult as BPDh, and he got the other guy to join in? I do know in BPDh's last job, he hated his boss, and there was a super nice guy BPDh really liked, but he'd often tell me he had to apologize to that guy for being really rude and angry with him. He's had issues at most jobs at some point, but I thought because he really likes this job, this might be different.

I do think some opportunities for good can come out of that, but I'm not sure BPDh will actually put it to use for the good. So far, he seems open to getting help, and he seems open to my soft, kind suggestions. I've suggested that this has been a life pattern for him: he either uses anger or avoidance, and that he seems depressed, and seems to have very negative thinking. I've told him I'm here to support him, and that I'll be there for him, but that he needs to want change, and do the work himself. I left him a note on the mirror, telling him I'm in his corner, and that I believe in him.

I always think good can come out of bad, and that life is greatly influenced by your attitude and thinking(not to mention how you treat others). I do think BPDh is being ganged up on, and they've used some small truths to show his Achilles heel, but I also think their total insubordination, has been glossed over. I think BPDh due to his lack of dealing with issue, his moodiness, and lack of communication skills, left himself open to this, and he simply got outmaneuvered.

I'm really, really hoping he can do what he said, and "find a way to save his job, and his marriage". What's funny, is that even though it's super hard living with his moods, dysregulations, and anger, I've never thought our marriage was as "broken" as he does. I've always thought with an attitude change, or some simple behavior modification, BPDh could be so much happier, and we could have a good marriage. He just has to want that, and make an effort... .

I do know he's making a big effort to save his job. I hope that gets applied to other areas as well, so he can finally be somewhat happier.