Reflecting back at my life...WTH happend? And how did I let it get this bad?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wanted to put this out there and see if anyone else has this feeling or reality. I don’t think I’m the only one as I have found a lot of non’s have experienced similar bouts of “crazy, rage, etc.” from their pwBPD.

I have recently over the last couple years woke up and took a good look at myself and my life and found myself asking this question. “What the hell just happened to my life? This is not what I ever wanted for it and how the hell did I not see it until now?”

I live my life purely through my wife. By that I mean I cater to her needs more than I should. I am a “caretaker” by fault and never fully realized how this could actually harm me. When I look back I can clearly see all the signs. Now after 14 plus years I feel like I am trapped. I am the one that allowed it I know this bit I can’t seem to muster the strength to break free.

I have married into a family that is so dysfunctional yet keep it hidden well enough for outsiders to not notice it. I found out my sister in-law since being fired from her job many years ago has been living off her husband’s retirement. They have depleted all their savings. He works 2 to 3 jobs 7 days a week to support her and her kids (they are not his kids). She has 2 masters degrees but will only look for and take a high salary job. And since she has no experience (the reason she was fired) at her line of work she can’t find a job. Nor will she take something to help pay the bills. She is an angry depressed woman. The added stress she puts on her husband will indeed physically kill him I think. He has already gone to the Hospital for heart/stress problems. He was told to take it easy. But he can’t because he is supporting them as they are barely staying afloat.

My mother in law is practically held hostage. She was a stay at home mother (now grand kids are even out of the house). She has tried to volunteer and take part time jobs to spend her time while my father in law works. He seems to get angry at the fact she has these jobs and complains. When her mother was alive and she was going to see her in the nursing home he would be upset she spent time there (while he was at work mind you).  He calls all her sibling idiots as he I believe has strong Narcissistic traits.

Then my wife has what I would say is similar to both her sisters issues and her dad’s. Maybe not to the extreme of either but enough of both to make it just as bad. We have moved almost every single year we have been together. She end s up hating every single job she has ever had.  This last job we were able for me to keep my job and I was able to move to a different office but I am forced to make an hour and a half commute one way. It was for her dream job. That was short lived as she hated it in the first week we moved. Now she has accepted a new job that she has been trying to get into for the last 6 years. Hurray right?... .Nope. She thinks the person training her wants to keep her doing busy work so she doesn’t take her job or something like that. It is a pay cut but we knew that. Now she wants to take this other job that will require us to move again. It will be much closer to my work and make my commute only 20 minutes. But I know without a doubt she will not stick with it. She even said she will hate it and only wants to take it for the $.

All this said I am finding that this family is horribly unfortunately blessed with many mental health issues. And when I look back at the family I grew up with none of this seems to be even the most remotely considered issue. Never have I witnessed any sort of over baring controlling issues or abandonment issues. No family is perfect but when comparing mine with hers I can say mine would be much closer to being perfect. Yet she has found a way to get me to detach myself from them for the last 7 to 10 years. I miss them greatly. I secretly am still in contact with a few of them as they know the situation. I long to be able to see them and interact with them again. I am afraid also that I have changed enough that I won’t know how to function the way I used to in my own family.

[Cipher13]

I wanted to put this out there and see if anyone else has this feeling or reality. I don’t think I’m the only one as I have found a lot of non’s have experienced similar bouts of “crazy, rage, etc.” from their pwBPD.

I have recently over the last couple years woke up and took a good look at myself and my life and found myself asking this question. “What the hell just happened to my life? This is not what I ever wanted for it and how the hell did I not see it until now?”

I live my life purely through my wife. By that I mean I cater to her needs more than I should. I am a “caretaker” by fault and never fully realized how this could actually harm me. When I look back I can clearly see all the signs. Now after 14 plus years I feel like I am trapped. I am the one that allowed it I know this bit I can’t seem to muster the strength to break free.

I have married into a family that is so dysfunctional yet keep it hidden well enough for outsiders to not notice it. I found out my sister in-law since being fired from her job many years ago has been living off her husband’s retirement. They have depleted all their savings. He works 2 to 3 jobs 7 days a week to support her and her kids (they are not his kids). She has 2 masters degrees but will only look for and take a high salary job. And since she has no experience (the reason she was fired) at her line of work she can’t find a job. Nor will she take something to help pay the bills. She is an angry depressed woman. The added stress she puts on her husband will indeed physically kill him I think. He has already gone to the Hospital for heart/stress problems. He was told to take it easy. But he can’t because he is supporting them as they are barely staying afloat.

My mother in law is practically held hostage. She was a stay at home mother (now grand kids are even out of the house). She has tried to volunteer and take part time jobs to spend her time while my father in law works. He seems to get angry at the fact she has these jobs and complains. When her mother was alive and she was going to see her in the nursing home he would be upset she spent time there (while he was at work mind you).  He calls all her sibling idiots as he I believe has strong Narcissistic traits.

Then my wife has what I would say is similar to both her sisters issues and her dad’s. Maybe not to the extreme of either but enough of both to make it just as bad. We have moved almost every single year we have been together. She end s up hating every single job she has ever had.  This last job we were able for me to keep my job and I was able to move to a different office but I am forced to make an hour and a half commute one way. It was for her dream job. That was short lived as she hated it in the first week we moved. Now she has accepted a new job that she has been trying to get into for the last 6 years. Hurray right?... .Nope. She thinks the person training her wants to keep her doing busy work so she doesn’t take her job or something like that. It is a pay cut but we knew that. Now she wants to take this other job that will require us to move again. It will be much closer to my work and make my commute only 20 minutes. But I know without a doubt she will not stick with it. She even said she will hate it and only wants to take it for the $.

All this said I am finding that this family is horribly unfortunately blessed with many mental health issues. And when I look back at the family I grew up with none of this seems to be even the most remotely considered issue. Never have I witnessed any sort of over baring controlling issues or abandonment issues. No family is perfect but when comparing mine with hers I can say mine would be much closer to being perfect. Yet she has found a way to get me to detach myself from them for the last 7 to 10 years. I miss them greatly. I secretly am still in contact with a few of them as they know the situation. I long to be able to see them and interact with them again. I am afraid also that I have changed enough that I won’t know how to function the way I used to in my own family.

[Wrongturn1]

Yeah, Cipher, I can relate to a lot of what you said. 

My uBPDw was raised in a home with a narcissistic father who physically and emotionally abused her mom.  My mother-in-law is a super-nice lady who is unfortunately codependent to the core.  She is still married to my father-in-law, and she may be in the process of drinking herself to death because she has not seemed to find any other way to deal with it.  (One of the things that motivate me to change was looking at my MIL and realizing that I would become her in the next 30 years if I didn't start doing things differently.)  Their family is a pillar of their small community, but nobody really understands what goes on behind closed doors.

By comparison, my upbringing was much easier and healthier.  And my upbringing might have been conducive to me becoming codependent once married to a BPD spouse because I grew up under the impression that compromise could help relationships work better and that people would respond cooperatively to logic and reason. 

After I realized how much of a mess my life had become, I decided to stop accepting abuse and learn to validate (avoiding JADE was also key).  My boundary was the abuse part - I decided not to be abused anymore and did not ask her permission for this.  She understood my boundary much quicker than I expected; it took me walking away a time or two and me stopping several conversations that were getting abusive.  Since I made those changes, our relationship has improved SIGNIFICANTLY, and my wife has been a lot healthier - she even got a job this year and is working for the first time in the past 12 years!

Cipher, it sounds like you are starting to realize that the status quo cannot continue in your life... .are you thinking about taking action?  What are you thinking about doing?  What do you have to lose?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher, I think you are asking the right questions so keep it up.  Took me a long time to realize that care taking is unhealthy for care giver and care recipient.  You are not responsible for the welfare of another adult!  Suggest you reach out to your family and damn the torpedoes.  Isolation leads to loss of perspective.  You may be surprised at how family members will welcome contact from you, but you will have to make it a priority because your W will try to sabotage, I predict.  You have a long road ahead but the first step is the hardest; after that, you are on your path.

LuckyJim

[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, what you wrote sounds so familiar to me. BPDh wants to spend all this time doing things with his family, and they are so dysfunctional, yet he doesn't want to spend time with mine. When we go, he just sits, and zones out. My entire family has noticed. He's briefly talked to a couple brother in laws, but that's it.

I think it's about control. I used to think it was just because my husband is half Mexican, and I'm white, but I really don't think it's about that. Mexican families have lots of functions, yes, but that wouldn't explain him not wanting to make MY family, family too!

I saw that a distance was growing, due to this, and I'm working on keeping closer to my family. He'd like to even stay super close to his ex's family, yet he won't try to get closer to mine, weird, weird, weird!

Try not to let her isolate you from your family. Get back in contract with them, and build those relationships back up. This is going to take some boundaries, and your wife probably won't like it, but it's worth it. You deserve to have your family in your life.

[Cipher13]

The isolation does not end with my family. She now has maybe 1 friend. 2 or 3 if you count Facebook. I don't have any. Outside of work I don't anyway. She is isolating herself as much as she can from her family. At least her sister and Brother in law. anytime someone does something she doesn't agree with they are "stupid idiots" Not worth her time.  Our niece was in her first high school play. She didn't want to go. (My opinion because the focus wasn't about her) hse complained that her sisters husband would be there and she hates him. Well he was and guess what... outside of saying hello he never spoke to her and sat several people away. She complained the whole time about how dumb it was and how bad the kids were in it. Then after it was over and we made our way to the reception hall she was all like "ok we saw the crap  play lets go" " That was the worst thing I ever saw." I will admit it wasn't Broadway but a few of those kids were pretty good.

[Lucky Jim]

Her friends, or lack of, are her problem.  Suggest you focus on reconnecting with your family and old friends, and work on making new friends.  Isolation is what they do to brainwash prisoners of war or to coerce confessions from criminals.  Don't let her do that to you.  It's about control, I submit.

LuckyJim

[Waddams]

At this point, Cipher, you're biggest problem is YOU.  Not her.  Sorry to be so blunt, but you've been on here long enough and posting about a very hard situation with your wife that at this point, I think you are enabling her and digging your own hole deeper and deeper.  

Nobody made you agree to all the moves and job changes to accommodate her.  You know where it's going to lead every time it happens.  You allow yourself to be isolated from family and old friends.  It's been long enough that you can't blame her.

Nothing changes until you change it.  I think you are just plain scared to death of how she will react if you make a concerted effort to set and hold boundaries, and honestly, tell her no.  She's supposed to be a wife and partner, not another toddler to take care of and manage.  You shouldn't have to give into every whim to try to satisfy her.  What she is lacking in herself is not your problem to fix.  Through your posts I think I see that you want to but are scared to:

-Openly re-establish more meaningful ties with your family.

-Openly start living your life better for you and engaging more of your own interests again.

-Tell her no more moves or job changes.  

-Tell her to figure out a way to settle down.

-Tell her no more mistreatment of you.

-Tell her no more acting like a spoiled little brat.

-Set boundaries and reactions for when she does mistreat you or act like a spoiled little brat.

She's completely engulfed and enmeshed with you, and she has you too scared to individuate yourself.  It won't change until you make a choice to take the hit that's going to happen when you do this, and when you are willing to let her hurt and fail.  You know she will have a very rough time having to grow into a functional individual adult.  She will hurt, she will be afraid, she will fall flat on her face.  Just like the rest of us did when we were growing up.

The longer you wait, the worse it will get when you finally do it.  After this long, the only thing that is stopping you and keeping you in this situation and misery is YOU.  

Again, sorry if the bluntness is hard, but I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said.  There's nothing new here compared to your prior posts.  This changes when you make a choice to change it.

[Grey Kitty]

-Openly re-establish more meaningful ties with your family.

-Openly start living your life better for you and engaging more of your own interests again.

-Tell her no more moves or job changes.  

-Tell her to figure out a way to settle down.

-Tell her no more mistreatment of you.

-Tell her no more acting like a spoiled little brat.

-Set boundaries and reactions for when she does mistreat you or act like a spoiled little brat.

I think this is a great action plan/goal, with a couple comments: The list of "Tell her" things ... .you don't need to announce them in advance; if you do, she will see that as a challenge and attack you. Simply do them when the situation comes up. (Yes, she will blow up then too... .but no need to give her a head start!)

Next, I'd go along with one more move--if you can take advantage of her next whim to get you a 20 minute commute instead of an hour and a half, I'd take it. Afterall, you know she will be miserable in any job, but at least your life gets easier!

And lastly... .all these things changes will have her fighting back. I'd start with boundaries against mistreatment / verbal abuse. Because that will be her goto solution if you stand up on anything else, so do that first

And let me say this--you CAN do this. You can change your role in accepting all this. I know it can be done. I have.

[Cipher13]

And lastly... .all these things changes will have her fighting back. I'd start with boundaries against mistreatment / verbal abuse. Because that will be her go to solution if you stand up on anything else, so do that first smiley

I actually made an attempt at this last night following a counseling appointment. I wanted to discuss the lack of balanced minor chores or tasks around the house. Next thing I know she turned it around to me blaming her for me not fulfilling her needs she ahs been telling she was wanted for years now. Then that if she just did more chores then everything will be better is that it? One comment was " So if I do the dishes you will have sex with me more then?" I said that I felt resentment (meaning how she reacts to me and the words she uses towards me) and she took it as I resented her. A major fear she has expressed before. She has told me she thinks I resent her. That I hate her. Even though she uses those words daily.  That wasn't even a big boundary and it was so turned around that I lost all train of thought and sat there and apologized.  I am completely dumb founded. How did I let it get away from me?

[Grey Kitty]

For me, one starting point was realizing that once things go downhill in that direction that I can just get out, instead of trying to recover and get back to 'good' discussions.

And how did you let it get out of hand? I know that feeling all too well.

Over time I started noticing and acting productively instead of reacting codependently/JADEing earlier and earlier in the process. It took a lot of time and practice on my part. I did a lot of posting here, looking back at a conversation, and looking for the earliest point it started to go south and trying to stay mindful enough that I could step out earlier, instead of wishing I'd done it 5 minutes before.

Still wishing I'd done it 5 minutes earlier beat wishing I'd not spent an hour in that fight.

Slowly but surely, I got better at it.

[Waddams]

Instead of "I feel resentment... ." maybe rewording to "I feel like you're resenting me... .".  The nuances of wording and how it can be taken out of context and twisted around, in my own experience I started to think they were doing it as a way to make you the bad guy and justify their victimhood.  Create guilt and fear of setting them off again, so you'll go back to being the good little doormat they want you to be.

Sometimes letting your actions speak for you are best.  If you want help with mundane chores, ask her to do the dishes after a meal when they need to be done.  Or to help you.  You'll rinse, she'll load.  If the house needs sweeping/vacuuming, ask her to sweep while you vacuum.  Or cut up those veggies for whatever dinner dish is being made.  Keep it in the moment.   

I do think it's fine to tell her you don't like how she treats you, and that her treatment kills your libido.  She'll probably wig out, but that's okay.  It's an opportunity to set a boundary.  Simply tell her you're leaving the situation aren't willing to let her talk to you like that or treat you badly so you're leaving the situation.  And leave it.  When you come back later, don't say "ready to talk?"  Let her make the first move.  If she starts up again, leave again.  At some point if she shows some form of different treatment, then tell her you're willing to talk it out like a mature adult but you won't participate in angry, recriminating, guilting interactions.  It's not about making her wrong.  It's about your own boundaries.  Interact in positive ways, don't interact in negative ways.

I started making myself take a nice, deep breath, and tell myself "relax!" when the fireworks started.  It kept me cool headed so I didn't get sucked into the same old dynamics.  I never resorted to reciprocating, when she got abusive, I just shut down the interaction and left.  It came down it wasn't my job to correct her.  I wasn't going to tell her everything little thing she did wrong.  It was up to her to do that.  I just refused to interact when she turned abusive.

Of course, I'm single and not with her now, her end game reaction was to leave since she couldn't abuse and manipulate me.  Which is better than still being abused by her.

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher:  Sorry to hear that you were discouraged about the way things went with the chores discussion.  At the same time, CONGRATS on taking a step to change the dynamic!  It's okay that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  Change comes with practice and time, so it's not surprising or unexpected that it didn't go 100% perfect on the first try... .remember the first time you tried to ride a bicycle?  Probably didn't get it perfect then either, but you kept at it. 

That's the key here - you have to keep doing things different if you want a different (i.e., better) existence.  Keep it going, and don't be afraid of failure, because you'll get more chances in the future!

[emekaelihe]

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/how-do-i-get-my-crazy-abusive-girlfriend-out-of-my-house-and-my-life/

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/in-his-own-words-dodging-a-bullet/

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/02/19/ending-a-painful-relationship-and-starting-over/

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/5-stages-of-letting-go-of-a-relationship-with-an-emotionally-abusive-narcissistic-or-borderline-woman/

I found the above site extremely useful. Read all the articles and read the comments from all the people in the same or similar situations as you are - it will help a lot. Godspeed.