Divorce pending...alimony issue, court threats

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

With our divorce pending, he has told me we need to keep the lines of communication open. Except he doesn't want any contact with me ... .  Because I do not want to share a bank account with him after the divorce( for many reasons)... .I sent him a link to the POP Money explanation so he can make payments to me in that way for free. He got all upset and started texting and e-mailing me all kinds of things... .starting with saying that I must be getting nervous and then started in on how he was under duress when he agreed to pay me and that I know that he had been committed 4 times in the past and I will see you in court! I suppose these are idol threats, but I really don't know what he may or may not be planning. I know he does not have money for a lawyer. Our divorce papers are pretty clear and he made a choice to make payments to me in leu of my getting half of other assets... .Not sure is he will do anything, but I am getting a bit nervous over what he may pull in the future. I do depend on him financially a bit. With my having to get my own health insurance soon, that will be a bit of a drag on me as well. I told him that he promised to take care of me when he married me and I spent so much money on him over the past 9 years, it's the least he could do to honor his word to me and pay me this money. I think when he set it up... .remember this was his choice, not mine... .I think he thought we would get back together. I don't think he expected to get this gf pregnant! It's too bad for him really... .I have heard a judge would say too bad as well. Any one have any issues with alimony or child support? His income is the same (in fact, he lied to me and told me he was promoted)... .? P.S. I never responded to the e-mails and texts... .the e-mail I sent was self explanatory the fist time.

[Herodias]

With our divorce pending, he has told me we need to keep the lines of communication open. Except he doesn't want any contact with me ... .  Because I do not want to share a bank account with him after the divorce( for many reasons)... .I sent him a link to the POP Money explanation so he can make payments to me in that way for free. He got all upset and started texting and e-mailing me all kinds of things... .starting with saying that I must be getting nervous and then started in on how he was under duress when he agreed to pay me and that I know that he had been committed 4 times in the past and I will see you in court! I suppose these are idol threats, but I really don't know what he may or may not be planning. I know he does not have money for a lawyer. Our divorce papers are pretty clear and he made a choice to make payments to me in leu of my getting half of other assets... .Not sure is he will do anything, but I am getting a bit nervous over what he may pull in the future. I do depend on him financially a bit. With my having to get my own health insurance soon, that will be a bit of a drag on me as well. I told him that he promised to take care of me when he married me and I spent so much money on him over the past 9 years, it's the least he could do to honor his word to me and pay me this money. I think when he set it up... .remember this was his choice, not mine... .I think he thought we would get back together. I don't think he expected to get this gf pregnant! It's too bad for him really... .I have heard a judge would say too bad as well. Any one have any issues with alimony or child support? His income is the same (in fact, he lied to me and told me he was promoted)... .? P.S. I never responded to the e-mails and texts... .the e-mail I sent was self explanatory the fist time.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

He probably feels shame and that's why he wants NC. He wants to talk about the divorce because ge wants he wants know and he may try to convince you one way or the other. I sense that you might feel a little sorry for him because of the comparison with what a judge would think.

He is an adult, mental illness or not and responsible for his choices and actions. He's emotionally blackmailing you with threats. I'm not in the US but in Canada we have a third party ( government ) that collects child support. Is there something similar there a government agency where he pays into a trust and they pay you?

[david]

My ex has done similar things over the years. I do not reply either. It minimizes the back and forth and keeps my life more peaceful.

I only communicate through email with my ex. We have two boys (17 and 12) so I have to communicate.

Looking back, I believe, my ex was very good at reading me and knew how to keep me unbalanced/uncertain/second guessing myself. Email takes that away. I stay focused on our boys and disregard all her attempts at making me second guess. At first, it was difficult and I second guessed myself a lot.

I still get emails like yours from time to time. I view them as casting a wide net to see what she will get.

More than likely he has no plan and is looking for something from you to make a plan. My ex will distort anything I say so I say only what needs to be said and nothing more. I volunteer nothing.

MY ex tries to change the court order from time to time. If I reply I usually quote the court order exactly as written. I never interpret it. If she needs an interpretation she has an attorney for that. Our order is very clear.

[david]

When my ex is extremely agitated about something she will send an email to her attorney telling the atty to take me back to court for whatever she is upset about. She will cc the email to me too. I believe it is supposed to scare me. I never reply to these emails and they have never been acted upon by her.

[Herodias]

Thanks David... .I see mine acting similar. I asked him about Insurance today because we need a plan on that as well. He e-mailed me back a really dumb remark. I think it's just to get me going, but I can see right through it. I did not respond. He knows exactly what I am asking him. He is playing like he is smarter than me... .I will wait for an intelligent response. I could also send him a copy of the agreement for him to see what he has to do. He knows though... he just discussed it with me a week ago! Mutt; yes, that's how I feel... .he is an adult. Just wants to pretend he doesn't know anything like a kid. How can he be a store manager if he is so dumb? It was already set up the way it is... .if the courts are involved with the payments, it costs money I was told... .I do hate that he has to make the payments and I am reliant on him. He likes that I am sure. The only problem is when and if he goes to jail or if he is in the hospital... .I tried to work that out with him, but he wants all the control!

[david]

I've had emails that pertained to our kids. I would reply and get something that made no sense/tried to change the topic/was a very angry attack towards me/etc. Depending on the circumstance, if I thought I needed a reply, I would simply ask the same question exactly as before. I would do this up to three times. After that I would make a decision and email her what I was going to do. Ex would either agree or threaten me with legal action. She has never followed through with any threat she made in an email.

Asking him about insurance: Keep it brief and to the point. If he sends a really dumb remark simply ask the exact same question. I decide on how to write my questions with the idea that a judge will be reading it someday. If my emails are direct and unambiguous I figure the courts will get it. I also believe that my replies have prevented a lot of additional nonsense from ex because there have been occasions where ex was extremely dysregulated and, I am fairly certain, she went to her attorney and her attorney handled her.

[Herodias]

Thanks David... .that's really smart! I will remember to write as if someone else will see it. Most of the time I try to do that, but now I need to be extra careful. I think he is making empty threats as well... .I just don't know. This last email was right to the point. I will repeat it again tomorrow. Give it time to sink into his head. Thanks for the tips!

[ForeverDad]

I separated over a decade ago, divorced now for nearly 8 years.  Last time we were in court was about 2 years ago.  Every so often when she gets triggered or gets herself triggered she'll threaten court again.  Last time was, oh, let me think, oh yeah, less than a week ago.

In our cases our ex-spouses feel they're in control and the authority.  However, there is one good thing about court, it is The Real Authority.  If there is a court order about the agreement, then the court will not care much about his excuses to avoid paying, yes they may listen to him, he could get a hearing ear but courts are usually pretty good about confirming the order.  (Though that's not a guarantee.)  Especially an agreement, an agreement is his fault if he later complains, he can't blame the court for it, only himself for agreeing.

Of course, if you're in the midst of the divorce process, things can be a bit fluid so the above may not be strictly accurate.  Still, do your best.  You were in too close a relationship for your stbEx to listen to you now, too much emotional baggage is in the way, but the professionals are there to be your buffer zone.

The court and lawyers are there for more reasons than most people realize.  In this case, feel free to divert the complaints to the court or lawyers, let them be the fall guys.  "Sorry, but the court said... ."  So feel free to let the court and other professionals be your shield and redirect the heat away from you.

Be aware that in the USA if he pays child support, he is responsible for the income taxes on it, but if it is alimony then he can deduct it from his tax forms and you have to report that as income.  If you're in a lower tax bracket than him, that may make him more willing to agree to certain types of support easier than others.  Be aware that in most if not all states child support cannot be stopped or at least not without your agreement.  You could call it something else, in my divorce we called the first years of post-divorce support as alimony since she had minimal income and that reduced the tax impact on us.  But my lawyer warned me that she could still seek CS later. That's why the settlement had a clause something like, "Ex agrees to alimony and waives CS.  If Ex seeks CS while receiving alimony then FD can return to court to recalculate and reduce alimony."  It was a risky tax maneuver but somehow it worked.  And it saved me/us the taxes on over $20K of support.