Parenting Costs and Time

[rarsweet]

  I am preparing to take ex back to court for a modification from temporary to final orders. Enough is enough. I have been keeping a chart of parenting times and support costs for daughter. It actually has really surprised me. I didn't realize how little time he has had.

  September she was with dad for 56 hours. October she was with dad for 85 hours. November she was with dad for 62 hours. December she was with dad for 61 hours. So far in January she has been with dad for 21 hours. Totals 285 hours in the last 132 days. Less than 10%of the time.

   It costs him around $60 a month to feed her 12 dinners, go through 28 diapers, and drive 24 miles total to pick her up all month. Going through the allowable dependent care expenses like housing costs divided by occupants, childcare, food, diapers, I pay $1135 a month for our daughter. I didn't even count little things like Vick's when she got sick, or clothes, or gifts, or going out to eat. I didn't count personal things like my phone and internet or groceries for my older kiddos. I just counted the monthly essentials that stay the same. I am paying at least 95% of her support. Not to mention the $500+ I spent on Christmas alone for her. The Halloween costume I bought and let him use because he had her that night.

   I am going to sue for child support and for me to claim her on taxes every year. The parenting times I can best come up with are for him to have her are for 3 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays, 3:30-6:30, and 8am-noon on Saturdays. Atleast for 6 months or until he has held a job for 6 months and has stable housing. My new hours at my new job are I can choose to work 8-4 or 10-6. My mom can only babysit for me until 3:30 so I only pay childcare for my evening and weekend babysitter. It will save me some money, limit his time with her, give him ample room to get a job and be flexible.

   I tried to come up with smaller frequent amounts of time with him while considering my schedule too. I worry that she may have an even adverse reaction to him when he picks her up then she does already. I don't know what is better time with him 3 days in a row like she has now or times split up. But this is what I can reasonably come up with.

    If he doesn't like my proposal he can defend his position in court.

   

[Turkish]

Sounds like you've done a solid anaysis and have excellent documentation.

I'd still be concerned about her adverse reactions to her father. Have you asked her?

[rarsweet]

   She is only 17.5 months so she can't tell me what is wrong. I hadd to have ex pick her up from my mom's the other day and she had the same reaction upon seeing him while she was with my mom too. So it can't just be separation anxiety.

   On Saturday when he dropped her off she had the beginnings of a diaper rash again along her tailbone. I took pics and sent them to him. He hasn't responded. I am thankful she was only with him for 4 hours. He actually dropped her off 2 hours early. He said he had to bring and pick up his friend's teenage daughters from the movies. He said daughter was getting tired and he could either ride around with her waiting for the girls to get out of the movies or drop her off to me then. I said drop her off. Now that my work schedule is different he seems to be willing to give up more time, if I'm not at work he doesn't see the point in keeping her as long. Which I am very happy about.

   Yet he keeps telling me that he is motivated and confident, etc, etc, and that he wants me to wait until he can have 50/50 time. I swear every month at the end of the month since August I have texts about him being optimistic and trying the best he can, etc, etc.

   I realize how black and white his thinking is too. If I tell him I don't want her riding around for hours he says I am alienating him. Yes those words. When I told him I want to make our parenting plan final he said I am trying to eliminate him. He said every family he knows where one parent has more time the kid ends up hating the other parent.

  My mom says her rashes look like beginnings of bed sores. In 2 weeks daughter has her 18 month checkup. Ex will be there. How do I bring this up to the doctor? It is very hard to talk to the doc about things when he is there. Should I call the office and ask if the dr can meet with me separately another time?

[Panda39]

Hi Rarsweet,

I'm with Turkish I'm worried about your daughter's reluctance to see her dad and the rash (that could be considered neglect) can I ask what was your thought process on ruling out supervised visitation?  Has he ever taken a parenting class? Maybe make something like parenting class along with supervised visitation and 6 mos to get a job and place to live a condition for unsupervised later on down the line? Once all that has happened then re-evaluate? (yes I recognize this means more court time  )

I feel you need to be honest in the Pediatrician's office this is about your daughter's health not about walking on egg shells around your ex.   

IMO you need to focus more on your daughter and less on the ex. I realize he is part of the equation but "what is best for your daughter" should always come first before what your ex wants and even what you want.  I know that doing that is sometimes hard and uncomfortable but you can't please all of the people all of the time as they say.

I know it's hard to try and have your own life, take care of your daughter,babysit your ex, and deal with court... .I've been there done that too.  For what it's worth I think you are doing a really good job juggling a lot.

Hang in there 

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I've said this before and I'll keep saying it, courts are comfortable with alternate weekends, however brief.  I strongly recommend you don't lock yourself into "every weekend" obligations unless you or he is an emergency worker or something similar with a real reason to get parenting time on every weekend.  Remember, in the years to come you will sometimes need to go away with child on weekend trips out of town.

For example, what if you get married to a nice guy (like me? ) and have kids and the family wants to go to the beach, mountains, visit grandparents, friends, weddings, etc and then you say, "Sorry we can't leave until Saturday afternoon because ex gets his Saturday morning every single weekend."

I'm serious (okay, not about getting married :'( ) that you need to give yourself maneuvering room on the schedules so you don't get demands that you're uncooperative or in contempt of court for some little miffed time.

For example you can give him up to 2 or 3 Saturday visits out of every month, subject to events that may come up.  Or if you do Gift him all Saturday mornings then you reserve the right to cancel one or two in a month if you have other plans.  Don't paint yourself into a corner.

[rarsweet]

I completely agree, the only problem is I can't let him have any set weekends right now because he doesn't have stable housing or money. I wouldn't mind if he took her to his sister's house on a weekend but it's 2 hours away and he doesn't really even have the gas money to do it. Even though I started my new job I still have my second job on weekends. I am literally working 7 days a week unless I leave. I feel like I am too unsure of my financial situation paying for everything to leave my other job unless he starts contributing to her support, especially if I am going to have court costs coming. New Hampshire really sucks, the courts care more about the "friendly parent" standard.

[ForeverDad]

If you can't set specific weekends now, then why give him time on all of them?  That's what I can't figure.  Isn't there some way to keep which weekends flexible at least for now?

You can always be more "friendly" than the order states.  Yes, it could give him an idea he could then seek even more, but then you could just say No.  But the point is that you don't lock yourself into an order that eventually will be hard to work with or put you at a disadvantage.  In months or a year or two you may not have to work 7 days a week.  Do you then want to be stuck with having to provide time on every single weekend (excepting your holidays)?  Think ahead too, not just your current circumstances.

Another thought, what would a judge think if you wanted ex on supervised, limited or restricted visitation status but then give time time on every weekend?  Believe me, giving time on every weekend is very seldom done.

[rarsweet]

You are absolutely right. I have been texting him for 2 days trying to find out what time he was picking daughter up tomorrow so I could let my mom know(she will do the exchange, i'll be at work) After no answers I facebooked the friend he stays with. His phone is disconnected apparently. Wow. Yup Tuesdays and Thursdays for 3 hours and every other weekend on Saturday is what I will offer. I will try to keep that schedule until he has had employment for 6 months. We'll see what the judge says.

[Turkish]

Can you give us background on the "friendly parent" standard in your state, maybe a link? What's the minimum requirement for you to meet?

[rarsweet]

It is a grey area. The law considers the best interest of the child and there are certain factors that go into this. 

461-A:6 Determination of Parental Rights and Responsibilities; Best Interest. –

    I. In determining parental rights and responsibilities, the court shall be guided by the best interests of the child, and shall consider the following factors:

       (a) The relationship of the child with each parent and the ability of each parent to provide the child with nurture, love, affection, and guidance.

       (b) The ability of each parent to assure that the child receives adequate food, clothing, shelter, medical care, and a safe environment.

       (c) The child's developmental needs and the ability of each parent to meet them, both in the present and in the future.

       (d) The quality of the child's adjustment to the child's school and community and the potential effect of any change.

       (e) The ability and disposition of each parent to foster a positive relationship and frequent and continuing physical, written, and telephonic contact with the other parent, including whether contact is likely to result in harm to the child or to a parent.

       (f) The support of each parent for the child's contact with the other parent as shown by allowing and promoting such contact, including whether contact is likely to result in harm to the child or to a parent.

       (g) The support of each parent for the child's relationship with the other parent, including whether contact is likely to result in harm to the child or to a parent.

       (h) The relationship of the child with any other person who may significantly affect the child.

       (i) The ability of the parents to communicate, cooperate with each other, and make joint decisions concerning the children, including whether contact is likely to result in harm to the child or to a parent.

       (j) Any evidence of abuse, as defined in RSA 173-B:1, I or RSA 169-C:3, II, and the impact of the abuse on the child and on the relationship between the child and the abusing parent.

       (k) If a parent is incarcerated, the reason for and the length of the incarceration, and any unique issues that arise as a result of incarceration.

       (l) Any other additional factors the court deems relevant.

    II. If the court finds by clear and convincing evidence that a minor child is of sufficient maturity to make a sound judgment, the court may give substantial weight to the preference of the mature minor child as to the determination of parental rights and responsibilities. Under these circumstances, the court shall also give due consideration to other factors which may have affected the minor child's preference, including whether the minor child's preference was based on undesirable or improper influences.

    III. In determining parental rights and responsibilities under this section, including residential responsibility, the court shall not apply a preference for one parent over the other because of the sex of the child, the sex of a parent, or the financial resources of a parent.

[Turkish]

"Best interests of child"

…including whether contact is likely to result in harm to the child or to a parent.

It sounds like you are safe under this criterion, but your daughter's extreme agitation, and anxiety sounds like it fails to meet this. His failing of b sounds clear (the continued diaper rashes). What do you think?

From your story, several others sound questionable as well.

[rarsweet]

Now his phone has been shut off since the 11th. I am having to communicate with a friend of his through facebook to even  make sure he is picking daughter up on time. He is b.s.ing me saying it's a problem with his phone carrier, ya right, no money.