My wife has BPD symptoms and it is driving me to depression

[Lucky68]

I have known my wife since the 1980s but we did not become a romantic couple until the mid 2000s. We got married several years ago. I am in my mid-50s; my wife is slightly younger. Both of us have held long torches for the other.

My wife has symptoms consistent with BPD; when i was in therapy several years ago my therapist felt that my wife may suffer from BPD. She has never been diagnosed and she resists going to therapy. My history of depression and emotional issues has made it difficult to be strong enough to keep helping her. We are lucky in that neither of us has a substance abuse problem.

We recently moved to a new city. That involved selling a house we had been in for over 5 years. Our life had been happy there, but my job was sapping my spirit and I was making up for that by getting involved in volunteer activities. The new job offered me one last chance to do something meaningful in my career. We discussed whether I should take the job and move; I was surprised at how eager she seemed to be. However, deciding to move and actually moving were two very different things. We were apart for several months and clearing out our old house and putting possessions into storage was highly stressful.

We got to the new city and things were great for the first two weeks. Out of the blue, my wife got an offer for a great job - a dream job. One where the boss wants to mentor her into running a business. She feels unworthy, but the boss is thrilled at how well she works. Unfortunately, while at her new job, she was outdoors and was bitten by many insects. She is very allergic to insect bites and over the weekend became very sick. Then, the sale of our house closed. Now she is in tears. She says she wants to go home. She is going to quit her job.

Last night was one of the worst in my entire life. She blamed me for making us leave our comfortable life behind. I was tired after a full day of work and ended up overwhelmed by negative emotions. I do not know if her current mental state is going to last for long. There are times when she is back to normal. But there are times when she is tearful and horribly depressed. She wants me to devise solutions to this situation but rejects every idea I propose. She says very hurtful things to me.

I am at work now. I will be heading home. She says she talked with her boss. She will tell me what was said when I get home. She took medication for her allergy attacks so she will be drowsy.

It is not unusual for couples to move to this city and for one of the couple to hate it and want to leave. I do not want that to happen. Living here alone is horrible. I will end up depressed. I was worried I would be depressed when I moved here; things were lonely and terrible until she got here. The first week was wonderful... .then this happened.

Forgive me for venting. I can't talk about this with anyone. I probably need to find a therapist here. I will find a therapist.

Moving back is not possible. I left my old job and they would not hire me back (except as entry level at half the salary). We used up much of our savings to get here. If she leaves and goes back, I do not know if I can afford to maintain two households, especially since she probably will not get a job.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Welcome Lucky68

Moving is incredibly stressful.    Being allergic is very stressful.   Dealing with a new job is very stressful.   Real estate deals are stressful.   By my simple count you and your wife have a huge amount of stress going on.   Enough to knock over an elephant.   

Everything must look very overwhelming to both of you right now.   

I am wondering since you mentioned that you have been in therapy if you have heard of the concept of validation? 

I do not know if her current mental state is going to last for long. There are times when she is back to normal. But there are times when she is tearful and horribly depressed. She wants me to devise solutions to this situation but rejects every idea I propose. She says very hurtful things to me.

Validation is a tool to acknowledge the current emotion,   to recognize that things are feeling difficult right now.  Validation can help to lower the emotional temperature long enough to effectively problem solve.   With out blame shifting.

You can find more about validation in the Lessons box on the right hand side of the screen.

Let's us know how the conversation with your wife went okay?

'ducks